The definition of significant rings familiar. However, in the study of statistics ‘Significant’ has a color of meaning that I find.. well, significant.

significant

adjective

Important; of consequence. Having or expressing a meaning.

Statistics – of or relating to observations that are unlikely to occur by chance and that therefore indicate a systematic cause.

The significance of the choice to have an affair can not be understated. Until and unless the unfaithful recognizes what led them to make those choices, they are at risk of a repeat performance. Humans must dig deep to understand themselves. Self reflection is vital to self management and self control.

When a person’s thinking blossoms into stories they tell themselves that are not cross checked with reality; when a person assumes, he or she crosses into the land of minimization, justification, villianization of others and generally what 12 step programs refer to as “stink’in think’in”. The unfaithful often have placed significance into their own thought processes without benefit of adjusting their lens to reflect 20/20 reality. In short, they fool themselves–self delusion.

“unlikely to occur by chance and that therefore indicate a systematic cause.”

Their choices did not occur ‘by chance’. They have a systematic cause that must be unearthed to recognize it, clarify and adjust it to defend against its repetition.

What can we say about significance when it relates to the thinking and actions of the betrayed? So many of us are blindsided by our partner’s betrayal. Rightly so. Not many people expect the most beloved and presumably trustworthy person in their life to destroy the contract, the agreement to support, honor and cherish.

What I am about to say may tweak you the wrong way, make you mad or, at first blush– just seem w-r-o-n-g.

I found my identity in the wrong things.

WHAT???

I hear you thinking: “Is it wrong to be committed to my spouse, family, home and career?

Whoa. I did not say anything about commitment. I said ‘identity’. My significance.

identity

the sense of self, providing sameness and continuity in personality over time and sometimes disturbed in mental illnesses.

Many of us have such a huge commitment to our spouse, family and home that it becomes our identity. We feel a-fronted should someone criticize how we are parenting or judge our housekeeping or our marital relationship. We take on an inordinate share of our worthiness and place it outside our healthy circle of control. At the end of the day we have zero control over other person’s choices–even our children and spouse. Truth be told, we have little control over anything or anyone other than ourself.

For those of us who find our sense of worth in the success of our marriage, our children, our career, the state of our house—we are bound to be disappointed. We may, in fact, live in a nearly chronic state of low level disappointment.

There is no such thing as perfection. No such thing as reliable control (and therefore responsibility) for other person’s behaviors. It is not realistic to think that we do. “Mental illness?”, though? Perhaps if taken too extreme. We risk slipping into codependence at best.

Out of love we misplace our value, our identity, sometimes our very significance on the perceived health of our spouse, children, home, and/or career. We put the golden eggs of our self esteem and value in other people, places and things. We exert unenforceable rules and demands, whether stated or imagined, onto imperfect, limited person’s and things. We set ourselves up for disappointment.

When we judge our day, our week or our life on how well others outside our circle of control are behaving, and place the value of our happiness upon them, we will eventually, inevitably be disappointed, ney, devastated should they betray us.

I misplaced so very much of my identity, my value, my worth on how well I was doing in my primary relationships; how successful those relationship were in the lens of my upbringing and cultural influences. Did my life measure up to what I deserved because I gave so much and tried so hard to be a great mom, wife and employee? Surely everyone else who professed to love me– owed me the same. They would act in love toward me, support me, value me and feed into my identity of good mom, wife and employee.

Nuts.

It just doesn’t work that way. What any given person invests in is seldom returned in full. Even when there are occasions of happiness, of support and investment of love toward us, it is imperfect and limited–as everyone and all situations are. If my identity is as a valued, respected and loved wife, mother and employee, I WILL be bruised and disappointed when not treated as such.

In the case of infidelity, I will be devastated. My perceived value as that great wife, mother, employee is going down the drain when the plug is pulled. When the rug of my expectations is yanked from beneath me the ‘unfairness’ of my expectation of faithfulness and love–shattered, I am in peril of being shot down. I feel devalued if not worthless. All my love and work and giving did not yield what I told myself I deserved, earned. And why didn’t I see it coming? Is there something wrong with me that this atrocity should have been cast upon me? My perfect world is shattered. My expectation of growing old with the spouse I loved always and forever at my side in loving support—obliterated. “Plan A” into which I invested all my golden eggs has proven to be untrustworthy, flawed and… *gasp* uncontrollable.

I am now in the land of destroyed plan A–hoisted into a plan B I neither planned for, expected or deserved. Where do I go from here? The rubble of plan A is all around me and my outlook on life has taken a severe beating. From where do I find my strength, my value?

For those of faith, a higher power is the one reliable answer. From a secular perspective, another safety net must be constructed or drawn upon. If we have put all our worth and identity in our marriage, we are starting from ground zero. For those of us who have spread our identity out to include a broad spectrum of persons, places, accomplishments, our task will have some support so vital to heal. Grief needs to be witnessed. Many of our unfaithful are too deep in shame or ‘the fog’ to help us. If our very identity, our significance has been placed in them, we are up that cliche creek without a paddle.

What we all desire is to be loved. When someone we love lets us down in the most profound way and we do not have a strong relationship with our personal value apart from persons and things, we are bound to flounder. The first step of the 12 step recovery programs reminds us that we are powerless over _______________. Fill in the blank. Whether it be alcohol, overeating, drugs or other people the truth of it rings loud and clear.

God

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change—

The courage to change the things I can (myself, my attitude, my personal circle of control–ME!)

…And the wisdom to know the difference.

When a person is betrayed by their spouse or significant other their life is forever altered. The past that contained the hidden second life has to be rewritten in the mind of the betrayed to now include the truth. The person they believed their spouse to be is not the person he or she really is. Although the unfaithful may have feelings for their betrayed and in fact enjoyed/benefited from their role within the allegedly committed relationship, they allowed a false self, a second self to exist and be fed. They chose to be and remain duplicitous.

To ‘move on’ suggests that one is capable of putting such an emotional/physical atrocity behind them and somehow ‘forget’. That, in my experience, is impossible. Any traumatic life event is never forgotten. It can, and indeed needs to be rewoven into the fabric of personal and relational history, incorporating the reality of what actually happened. To expect there to be some sort of willed amnesia is just not realistic…or possible.

“Can’t you just move on?” Nope.

While we are living we all move on in time. The sun continues to rise, people around us get in their cars and drive off to work or shopping. Children play and laugh. The dogs need to be fed and walked, the garden weeded and watered. Life does not stop. The earth continues to spin in space and we, each of us, grow a day older between sunset and sunset.

All of us move on in time.

If it is indeed impossible to move forward (toward health and growth) without doing the painful, deep work of processing our new reality, then why would a person choose to deny it as they move on in time?

For the betrayed it is often a factor of the stages of grief she or he must go through to get to the other side of acceptance–hopefully also finding meaning. I think we have all experienced someone who is a shell of their former self as they remain stuck in loops of grief, resentment and denial. While there is no rushing grief, there is great personal and the possibility of relational healing, when commitment to examining oneself and our place in the world is included. And then sharing it with the significant other so understanding, empathy and acceptance can ensue.

Self reflection.

The unfaithful are often resistant to self reflect. They doom themselves to moving on in time, but not forward in growth, in their denial of the vital need to examine their life and what led them to make such devastating choices. They doom their relationship to the death of living in a shallow, pretend co-existence with their betrayed, should they remain under the same roof together. They move on in time, but they do not, they can not move forward in personal or relational growth and healing.

So the original contention of the title of this blog is a misnomer. We all move on (in time). Time can not and does not stop. What is required for health and healing is commitment and choice to self examine for personal growth/healing and empathy, honesty and transparency for any hope of relational healing in order to move forward in personal and/or relational health.

The betrayed will NEVER forget. While they can move forward into personal health, they can not move forward into a healthy relationship without the active commitment of their unfaithful to re-earn their trust and respect. Healthy ‘real’ relationship take two healthy relational people. Active repair work on the part of the unfaithful MUST happen. Although the couple may continue to live under the same roof, the relationship will be a dead, shallow shell–as much a ruse as it was under the manipulation and control of information that existed during active betrayal. Living a lie will continue only this time the lie is faux to no intimacy. If there is none, there is not a ‘real’ (healthy) relationship.

The marriage is dead, two hurting people in its wake. Both can heal if they choose to do the work of self reflection and growth. The relationship, not unless both are committed to truth and behaving in love; the best interest of the other, paramount.

Consider well what you are forfeiting in continuing to live in a hollow lie.