Five and a half years (and four days shy of what would have been our forty third wedding anniversary–had I actually been in a real marriage) from my unfaithful spouse’s confession of a twenty seven year affair and I still hurt down in the core of me. The anger and devastation still live there, uninvited and despite all the self care and self value deeply felt. It still is beyond my ability to understand how someone who swore undying love and protection could inflict the cruelest actions against everything promised as sacred. How could I have been such a transactional commodity?

That said, I happily report that this does not occupy my days anymore. I am mostly free of the soul withering effects of betrayal. And yet the reality of it is never too far away. The reality of it will always live deep inside me.

cruel

adjective. Willfully or knowingly causing pain or distress to others. 

Enjoying the pain or distress of others. 

Causing or marked by great pain or distress. 

How can a betrayed spouse define their betrayer as abusive or cruel?

abusive

adjective. Using, containing, or characterized by harshly or coarsely insulting language. 

Treating badly or injuriously; mistreating, especially physically.

Wrongly used; corrupt.

Let’s unpack why.

“Willfully or knowingly causing pain or distress to others.”

Many have said that betraying one’s spouse is not meant to hurt them. ‘What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her’. This is delusional thinking and a lie of the highest degree. A betrayer knows what they are doing is wrong and harmful or they would not hide it. They know they are harming their marriage by nullifying it. They know their expenditure of time, effort, emotions, money on another subtracts that time, effort, emotion and money from their spouse, family, and home. Their actions and emotional investment are spent on another. 

As limited human beings how we invest our time is where our heart will be. It demonstrates commitment to another that directly denies and disinvests in the primary relationship. That investment leaves the faithful spouse to live life alone—physically, emotionally, financially, during all episodes of betrayal including the incessant thinking/planning/daydreaming involved in betrayal. The betrayer is not present for enormous amounts of time, if only emotionally. They are actively building a house of cards making their spouse the villain in contributing to the necessity of its construction.

The distress suffered by the betrayed, even and especially when they are unaware of the secret life their spouse is carrying on, is of the deepest most destructive kind. The lying and gaslighting involved in all affairs has the effect of detaching the betrayed’s gut from reality. The betrayed knows their spouse is not invested in their relationship in a healthy way. Even if the betrayer is showering the spouse with guilt gifts, the lie behind them is felt in the saccharine disingenuousness. The gut feel that the giving has strings attached. In my personal case, it was not guilt gifts, rather it was withdrawal of presence, both physical and emotional. Our relationship grew increasingly surface with day to day interactions all about responsibilities or planning of some future vacation. Bait and switch. Don’t pay attention to the man behind the curtain.

“Distress” is an understatement. I was a taken for granted, overworked, over-giving betrayed spouse who was secretly resented for investing so much time and energy in keeping the home and kids afloat. Catch 22. I was blamed for being tired and not responsive enough sexually. What woman responds to sexual demands and score keeping/shaming? CRUEL.

“Enjoying the pain or distress of others.”

As the ‘other’, I do not believe my spouse was Snidely Whiplash cartoon villain, wringing his hands in delight as I struggled to run the home. Not that kind of sadistic villain. He DID however enjoy the freedom of time my distress afforded him. He escaped home and responsibilities with his mistress both physically and emotionally—-enjoying that escape at my expense. So yes, he was gaining enjoyment from my pain and distress.

… “causing or marked by great pain or distress.”

I was greatly pained and distressed at my inability to measure up to my spouse’s sexual expectations. I thought it must be something wrong with me. So much so that I sought medical advise as well as read about low libido. The greatest cruelty of all is distorting another person’s reality. Not only was I made to feel at fault and shamed for it, I was kept track of on a calendar as to my performance or lack thereof. I was made an object of sexual gratification rather than a living, breathing human with emotions and needs of my own. I was emotionally and physically abandoned for another, yet held to account for not performing adequately often sexually. CRUEL & ABUSIVE

“Using, containing, or characterized by harshly or coarsely insulting language.”

Not to my face, but to his mistress and his brother who was in on the charade—I was to blame for his actions. I was a sexual disappointment not fulfilling his estimation of ‘enough’. I was made a performance value, not a loved wife. 

“Treating badly or injuriously; mistreating, especially physically.”

But he never laid a hand on me in anger—no bruises no abuse? Even the most naive of us know this is not true. Emotional abuse is every bit as harmful and often much longer lasting than bruises. Sleeping with another, de facto exposes the unwitting spouse to potential sexually transmitted disease—some fatal. That is playing Russian Roulette with the betrayed’s life and wellbeing. ABUSIVE.

How did he treat me badly? His withdrawal physically and emotionally – secretly blaming me for it.

“Wrongly used; corrupt.”

If gaslighting, manipulating another’s reality and using them to escape responsibilities is not a corruption of marriage vows and basic human dignity, what is?

Am I the abuse victim? Not anymore. I was. It is forever realty I was cruelly abused and betrayed.

What was I really? A naive, over trusting, over giving, accepting far too little, spouse who was, yes, taken advantage of for those qualities.

I am no longer a victim. I am a survivor.