“It only takes one safe adult for children to heal and have safe attachment.

As you go though recovery you can show up in new and better ways for your kids.

The pain and the trauma of infidelity can be used in post traumatic growth.”

The Power of Showing Up – Dan Segal

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The experiences I provide will shape my children–from this day forward. If you, the parent, are reliably present they will learn who they are..what they can be. Positive self. Grit strength. No matter their age, what you model will influence them, reassure them. This does not mean they need to be shielded from the effects of trauma. They too will someday need the resources to survive and thrive their own losses.

It has been said- Not every traumatize child is an addict, but every addict is a traumatized child. Your presence can model resilience over time.

It is not the infidelity itself that causes brokenness in children. It is how the parent handles the trauma of infidelity. Children, ney, all humans need to feel

Safe

Seen

Soothed

Secure

These four S’s of healing are immensely important in the lives of children, in the presence of infidelity in their parents relationship and in life. When their world is rocked by the effects of the trauma of their parent’s struggles, their needs are much the same as the traumatized parent.

Safety needs to be reestablished, reassurance offered. They will be safe, no matter the outcome of their parent’s marriage. You know this and will find a path to provide all the loving care they need to thrive. They will need to see and feel it. Take care of you so you can provide for them.

To be ‘seen‘ is all of our human need. Making sure children feel seen and heard is especially important at a time when there are immense stressors in the family unit. It is a huge part of feeling safe and important.

Speak soothing words of their safety and demonstrate it through maintenance of as familiar a schedule as possible will go a long way toward stabilizing their world. They will see in you the ability to survive and move forward even in the aftermath of the most severe losses.

When your relationship has regained balance, the unfaithful would do well to let the children know how amazing the betrayed spouse is. How resilient. When children have knowledge of betrayal while the spouses are still recovering, the majority will suffer trust issues. Spare them the trauma of dealing with betrayal in real time. Reassure and model safety through ‘seeing’, soothing and securing their place in the world to the best of your ability. You will heal and so will they…in the presence of your love.

Model forgiveness. Be an example of growth. Create a safe environment with or without your spouse. Safe, not perfect. Love will win the day, as it always does.

Parental conflict is a high predictor of distrust in children, no matter their age. Avoid triangulating the kids. Children, regardless of their age, need us to be caregivers of their souls. They do not need to, nor should they be our caregivers.

Show up for your kids in a way that can help them. You can change for the better. Different then you’d imagined or dreamed, but strong and loving. History is not destiny. Show them emotional regulation. Make amends when you fall. Be present. You only have to get it right a third of the time for them to return to secure attachment.

Resilience is not inherited. It is learned. It is so much more than recovery. It is transformation.

A reality of life: building character without loss and pain seldom happens. Help them learn the hard life lesson of growth through adversity.

Transform.

Breathe.

Take one day at a time.

Be good to you.

They will witness your resilience– and grow.