…for everyone. We’ve endured a global pandemic, novel in living memory. For some of us it has intensified our gratitude for that which we have taken for granted. Healthy, blessed individuals have the bandwidth to absorb inconvenience, illness and even the death of a loved one, looking upon the loss as part of living.

For those who has suffered childhood wounds, for those who are living under the burden of trauma the shift toward loss is more than an impediment. It can push our mental state from borderline to unmanageable. Our human limitations by definition, can reach a breaking point. That point is different for each of us, but it can and does place us in the untenable position of dis-ease.

Disease is not always the stuff of bacteria or virus. Mental disease is inevitability when the threshold is reached wherein the individual is no longer capable of handling the situation with clear thought and action.

For those of us experiencing betrayal trauma, the inciting incident is clear. We discover or are told that the person we counted on most to have our back, did not. Our world shifts into a morass of quicksand instability inherent in the sudden loss of personal history. Unexpected, unearned, undeserved, yet real. A new reality we never dreamed possible.

For those who have betrayed, the shift leading to their devastating choices may have occurred over years. The wages of childhood abandonment, abuse, loss—real or perceived–can yield an individual ill equip to manage their life. By betraying themselves and their values first, they move toward the cliff of irretrievable harm to self and others. The one person they swore to love and honor becomes expendable to the unmanageability of their emotions. The stories they tell themselves loom like dark shadows over reality, eventually swallowing even their most beloved. The harm inflicted on them is reborn in the form of blame shifting, denial, lies and deceit. All in the name of escape. Recognized or not, the wounded betrayer takes steps into a world of justification and entitlement, the fruit of their own loss and pain.

Hurt people hurt people.

In such life changing circumstance as these it can seem impossible to ever regain the health and joy of a good life. How do we break the chains of the stories we tell ourselves?

Byron Katy, author of “The Work” tells us we must take a fearless inventory of reality by asking ourself if the story we tell is true. No…is it really true? How do you know? Have you checked with the source? Have you done due diligence in uncovering reality? Are you absolutely SURE it is true?

I quiver to think the amount of pain this one step would mitigate in the world. Imagine if every time you came up with a reason someone or something has disturbed you, upset you, disappointed you–you took the time to research the validity of your belief, your ‘story’. Even we who have had a relatively manageable life with little drama find ourselves in the midst of our own illegitimate tales at times.

Something as simple as assuming the reason your spouse is late is an everyday story many of us have told ourselves. “He doesn’t care if I wait. He’s more interested in going to that after work meeting than in me. The traffic was light tonight. No, it’s me he has no respect for.” On and on our story goes, blooming into full resentment by the time we find out the true reason for his tardiness. SO many times he actually had something come up he could not have seen or avoided. SO often the other’s actions are about them and have nothing at all to do with us. He actually may well have been busting his chops to get out of that meeting and home to you. Or lost track of time without any forethought or malice. The wisdom statement that what people do is more about them than you proves true much more often than not.

Take a minute next time you tell yourself a story, even a plausible one. A pinch of give the benefit of the doubt mixed with a large portion of research and fact checking can save you and others from the pain of assumption. And the world will shift toward gratitude as you discover time and again that things are not as dreary, negative or dismal as you may think.

Your world can shift toward the positive, toward safety, security, even joy as you discover that so many of the stories you tell yourself are at worst, exaggerations, at best downright wrong. The world is not against you, nor are most people in it. Circumstances are what they are and seldom to never have you as the target of their wrath.

Believe you can enjoy something in most every situation, most all days, even every hour. As we surface from the difficulties of this pandemic world, may we all look for that silver lining, seriously check out any dark lining in that silver cloud and rebalance ourselves into this wonderful world of people who are (mostly) just like us—doing the best they can.