Powerful and gritty truth. Amazing more women do not become betrayers, violent, users etc…
My jaw drops at how many of these admonitions I have heard personally in my time on earth. We often fail our boys with our cultural expectations. So too do we fail our girls.
Well worth the read..and reread….
When you find out that your spouse’s idea of sex is one hundred eighty degrees different from yours, it is certainly a shock. Especially when he has been portraying himself as a committed husband.
When you choose a man to marry in full willingness to dedicate your time and body to him and you discover his idea of time spent and sex engaged in do not include exclusivity or commitment, your world shatters like a crystal goblet on concrete.
The universe feels suddenly hollow as if the substance you relied upon was not real. The stuff of your character and beliefs are not his.Your ‘marriage’ is hollow.
To be willing to engage sexually with a woman outside of marriage, your husband has behaved in a way that says ‘sex is undertaken with a willing partner, someone convenient, agreeable, and or duped.’ Given the opportunity, your husband has sex. This is bathed in entitlement, misogyny and, because done in secret, deceit.It is diametrically opposed to the marriage vows he freely undertook with you. Your expectations were to be treated as special and sacred where the bedroom is concerned. Your marriage bed was meant to be between you and him.
And you probably lived a life believing he actually lived up to those vows. You probably thought you were indeed special and sacred to him. That you and your body would be looked upon as exclusive and protected from all assault. That you were the apple of his eye. That he would go to great lengths to protect the sanctity of you and your special exclusive relationship.
So when he decides to obtain erectile help in the form of prescription without talking to you about it, you might well think he is still on the path of opportunity, should it present itself. Or that he may be planning on grooming opportunity with another. Or, given the best benefit of the doubt, he is living in make-believe that your marital relationship is something it no longer is—safe, full of trust and bearing the fruits of emotional intimacy. He is living yet again in the fantasy of believing that because you once upon a time made vows of exclusivity, that they remain intact despite his obvious dereliction of them and you. That you are willing to undertake the most personal of activities a woman can offer a man…full access to her body.
It communicates that you are in the place of being okay with sex without a committed, emotionally vulnerable and trusting relationship. That his sexual menu was then, and seems now, to still be one of convenience and opportunity, not of commitment and emotional intimacy. In other words—sex is a fantasy world to pretend you have a commitment and a meaningful relational intimacy when you don’t, with the goal of sexual release and ‘high’/ false intimacy.
What level of hypocrisy and abuse does this rise to?
“What are you thinking?” is the sentence that comes immediately to mind.
Evidently there is very little thinking involved. There is knee jerk impulsivity to assume you are willing and available to engage in a sacred exclusive act for what?? ‘fun’? Sexual release? a good time? To what level of assumption does this rise? Has your moral compass somehow shifted to be his? What??
I am at a loss of words to convey the depravity of this thinking/this assumption.
In what universe do we live that we are expected to dance to the fantasies of our spouse? Are we objects to control and to which he has access? We certainly are not the stuff of sacred, protected and beloved.
Oh hollow universe that has placed us in the path of such a delusional man.
May we continue to fill our universe to the brim by following our own integrity, our character intact, living in self care– even if our heart has been shattered on the rocks of disappointment.
There are few realities as diametrically opposed as Lust and Love.
Lust seeks self gratification, caring little for anything or anyone else.
Love gives joyfully and without expectation of return.
There is something strangely soothing about these realities. It puts into perspective how shallow the behaviors of lust were in my, and other’s, unfaithful partners. It casts a new light on the self absorbed, devoid of meaning place my unfaithful was as he pursued his drug of choice–lust. The negative impact of the suffocation of love is truly pitiful. Lust rots the very core of human growth and meaning, replacing it with toxic self centeredness. Lust requires the luster look for fault in his legitimate partner in order to enable emotional distance and fuel the justifications necessary to betray.
Lust consumes the mind of the luster, building in focus and desire until quenched. It cares not for anything other than the use of the other’s body as a selfish tool towards physical self gratification. The soul of the lust object is seldom considered, of interest or concern. What an empty pursuit, squelching all growth.
Love revels in the other with a passionate and considerate affection and care that expresses itself in the desire to give to and protect the beloved. Love longs to be with the beloved for the depth and beauty of the other’s soul – a never ending mystery to explore. Love honors, cherishes and protects the beloved with a deep concern mirrored equally only in care for self. Love thy beloved as thyself.
Lust delights in short lived conceited passion that burns hot and consumes the attention of the luster to the exclusion of all positive loving pursuits. Lust kills love. It smothers any spark or ember of thoughtful caring for the individual, leaving the luster focused on one thing—self gratification.
Love grows in the many paths of exploration into the complexities of the beloved. Love thirsts, not for momentary physical release, rather for deep connection.
Lust is centered in the physical, the corporeal.
Love adores the body and the soul.
It is only when I truly felt these deep truths that I could gain a new perspective.
I feel sorrow for the time and wasted energy my unfaithful spent in such a shallow destructive pursuit. Thing is, lust not only destroys love, it destroys the genuine self esteem and growth of the luster.
How sad is that.
I grieve not only for all the years lost that we might have had a genuine love, I grieve for a life wasted in such self consumption. I truly did not know the person I married. He hid himself from me and from himself. He betrayed his own life and growth before and during all the days, weeks, months and years of his acting out betrayals. His self destruction is greater than all the devastation wrought upon me. What a pitiable waste.
And still he fears to feel the weight of this reality. I can’t say I blame him. Who would want to face so much wasted life? And yet it is necessary for him to grieve the loss of his true self—to the black hole of lust. He must recognize and feel the truth of all the losses in order to grieve them and move on. I pray he will be able to accomplish this personally terrifying work so he might salvage the balance of his life to turn away from the meaningless, destructive shallowness of lust—and toward the light of love. The salvation of love. The blessings and growth and joy of genuine caring for others.
I pray.
Before you cross that seemingly enticing and ‘glamourous’ line–and in doing so betray the one person you vowed to love, honor and cherish—know that that choice will not only shatter your sacred vows, it will forever rupture your partner’s dreams of their one and only special partner in life.
While they will one day move forward, your actions will freeze them in the knowledge that you chose fun, fast and easy over them. Over your promised ‘us’. Nothing you are telling yourself they are doing, or not doing justifies your decision to betray them. Integrity demands you speak about your struggles and any disappointments WITH them. You can work out any perceived ‘problems’. You can not through silence and acting out.
While they may one day learn to forgive, a process that is for their mental health, not yours– it will be a long painful process lasting years. And in that forgiveness will never come forgetting the mortal wound you choose to inflict on your relationship. Your marriage/committed relationship is dead—contract broken. You will be living in a lie. For as surely as you betrayed them, you ended that promised loving, exclusive and precious relationship with them. Their life, and yours, will never be the same.
Through their grace, you may one day build a new relationship, but it will never be the same, never allow them or you to say you chose love over your self centered desires. They, and you will always carry the burden of that fact.
If you want to end your marriage or committed relationship, choose to do it in a loving manner with integrity, truth and respect for your partner. If you do not wish to end that relationship–then don’t betray your vows. Because if you do cross that line, you are ending your marriage. You are abusing the one person you swore to love. Whether your partner knows it or not, they are no longer being protected, loved and cherished. They are being used, manipulated and duped. You are controlling their ability to have agency over their own life and decisions, fundamentally disrespecting their human rights.
You are playing God with their life….possibly their very life should you pass on an STD to them. When they find out, you are the cause of the greatest traumatic pain they are likely to ever experience.
Should you wish your ‘cake and eat it too’, know it comes at a very high price– not only to your partner, but to you; to truth, to intimacy, to transparency and to integrity.
You may claim to love your partner.
You do not.
You are telling yourself yet another lie enabling you to justify leaving your marriage unilaterally.
Infidelity is not a victimless crime.
Choose better.
Choose love.
_____________________________
Here is another perspective from ‘author unknown”
Before You Cheat On Her Know This
You will break her. Like the violent shattering of glass as it crashes to the ground.You will not just break her heart. You will break her trust. You will break her spirit. You will break her joy. You will break her belief in love. You will break her sense of self.
Before you cheat, know this: She will not sleep—not through the night, as she counts the cracks in the walls at 3 am, seeking answers from a God she didn’t think she believed in.She will not eat—not by choice, but because she can’t stomach her reality or the thoughts of texts and images that haunt the corners of her mind. She will not smile—not because there’s nothing to smile for, but because she doesn’t know what these things are anymore.
Before you cheat, know this:It will teach her to hear “You are beautiful,” as “but not beautiful enough.” It will teach her to hear “You are brilliant,” as “but not brilliant enough.” It will teach her to hear “You mean the world to me,” as “but one person is not enough.” It will teach her to hear “You are the love of my life,” as “but I don’t love you enough.”It will teach her to hear “You are enough,” as “but you are still not good enough to satisfy me.”
Before you cheat, know this:She will cry. She will sit at her desk until 7:30 pm too embarrassed by tears streaming silently down her face to get up and go. She will curl into a ball on her best friend’s living room floor, cheek pressed into the carpet—She will get a lump in her throat anytime she walks past places that used to be yours until she decides to avoid these places entirely. She will rage. She will snap at friends, family and colleagues for no apparent reason at all. When they are stung by her anger, her cheeks will burn red with shame. She will curse at her reflection as she’s brushing her teeth, and think if only she were prettier, funnier, smarter—if only she were more, it would have made a difference. She will throw a picture frame at the wall, and be too dumbfounded to clean the blood off her finger when she cuts it picking up the pieces. She will scream into the wind by the river, wondering what she did to deserve feeling this way, hoping her words will carry far enough to be heard by someone—anyone—who can tell her. She will not feel. She will be turned by shock into the same stone she uses to build walls to keep people out. She will be numbed in new ways that her hopeful heart had not known to be possible. And then she will feel everything at once. She will feel devalued, discarded, disassembled, disillusioned, distraught—she will feel bewildered and betrayed. She will feel foolish, frenetic, fraught and full of fear. She will feel hate—toward you, toward them, toward herself. She will choke on her own confusion as she tries to hold on, yet yearns to let go.
Before you cheat, know this: She believed in you. She believed in romance—and that a chivalrous manner meant chivalry in all manners of the heart. She believed in honesty—and that being honest with your partner first meant being honest with yourself. She believed in respect—and that a love respected meant not being gaslighted, nor played a fool. She believed in goodness—and that being good meant working on being good together, even when it was not easy to do. She believed you would protect her—and that being protected did not mean hiding the truth. She believed in you—and that believing in you, believing in each other, meant the mutual support of a two-person team through the ups, downs and everything in between.
Before you cheat, know this: These are all avoidable. You have a choice. You can choose to walk away. You can choose to let her leave, on her own accord. You can give her a choice.
But if you cheat, know this: You will break her, but she will grow back stronger.You will dim her light, but she will shine more brightly in the dark. You will lower her expectations, but she will raise her standards. You will cause her to hate, but she will find relief, release, and beauty in the breakdown. You will make her question her sanity, but she will learn to trust her own intuition better than before.You will crush her ideas of love, but she will never settle again. You will burn her world to the ground, but she will pour her heart into becoming the best person she can be—and this time, it won’t be for you; it will be for her.
Isiaisis the hurricane loved to blow wind and rain. He took great pleasure in watching the trees bend, the grass of the fields sway. Staying out over the ocean can become monotonous even if the waves, the sea are his life and family. Even though the sea supports his life, feeding and caring for him so he has the ability, the energy to visit the shore and all the thrills that await there.
“I can’t wait to caress the shore, dive deep inland and witness my power. It’s so much fun”.
Many have witnessed what happens when the hurricane comes ashore. If that hurricane could decide to come ashore, Isiaisis would be full of glee in anticipation. “Nothing bad will happen. The people onshore know how to take care of themselves. I provide them life giving rain for their plants and drinking. They will be fine on their own.”
Even though it is known far and wide by all the people the potential destruction of a hurricane, Isiaisis denied it would harm anyone or anything. And before the people’s ability to forecast such a storm, they were well and truly blindsided. No warning. No ability to prepare.
No matter how vital and strong the people, they can not protect themselves against most of the destructive power of the storm. They are witness to the dark clouds and rain, but before forecasting, had NO idea what was coming. Thye lived in the (approaching) rain, the inconvenience of the downpours.
But Isiaisis was hell bent on the shore and all the fun there. He knew he had the potential of destruction but he told himself nothing would come of it. His rain would indeed help. So he came ashore dashing one town and one state after another–leaving a path of destruction far and wide. Some of the people lost their roofs, some their homes, some their lives. The newspapers would talk about him for many days, weeks, months and even years to come. He would be the topic of much discussion. Human experts on how to prepare for a hurricane, how to limit damage would careful dissect the harm he caused. They would learn how to better recover and protect.
“Isiaisis” was on the tongue of the people. Recovery was not about Isiaisis, even though the storm was what caused the damage. Recovery of the people, their homes and their lives was not about the storm. It was about tender care, attention to all the details of healing. PRepart=ation and protection learned for the future.
Did anyone miss the storm Isiasis?
“Good riddance”
Did the people still desire the benefits of the rain? The soft caress of a warm summer storm?
YES.
They needed to attend to the damage of the rain and wind gone wild first. The storm’s name was used often. It was the topic. The damage had to be the focus.
And what became of Isiaisis? He blew up the cost, weakened, gained humility when he saw the havoc his ‘fun’ had caused upon the people and the land. And he turned around, regained water and power from the sea. He looked carefully at all the damage and learned what his ‘fun’ had cost. He wept over the pain his choices had caused. He returned to the land in warm summer rains, soft caresses and care for the land and the people. He brought healing and rebuilt trust over many many months with the land and the people because they saw through his loving, helping actions that the storm can protect and care and love.
The people will always be wary of the dark clouds and wind. They will need the loving reassurance and actions of the caring Isiasis who has changed his heart to never again lash the shore in ‘fun’. He would never again look upon such actions as ‘fun’. No pleasure would the memories bring. Deep regret and sadness, embarassment and grief now power Isiaisis to tend to all he had destroyed–and for the rest of his days when the people talked about him, he would know it was the fear, the trauma and the damage of which they spoke–not him– the rain and wind when he returned in love and repair.
The land and the people tended far and wide to the destruction his choices caused, but it was not about him, the rain and wind. It was about tending to the pain. The wind and the rain of Isiaisis needed to do their own reflection and change, for the people had zero power over his healing. Isiaisis knew he needed to keep his destructive power, even a whisper or hint of it, far away from the people while they healed. It was not about him and his pain of regret, his difficulty in learning how to rein in his power. It HAD to be about the damage, the loving tending to repair in soft, gentle, understanding reassuring actions of life poured down on all he’d destroyed.
It indeed was not about him.
__________________________________
A man and his wife drove along winding roads toward a celebratory dinner for the beautiful new car the wife had bought for him. She’d spent many hours working to pay for the car, but wanted to give it to the husband because it was the model and make of his dreams. She’d lovingly sacrificed to make the car possible.
“Slow down,” the wife request as he sped along the curves. “We want to arrive in one piece.”
But (And) the man thought nothing would happen. He knew this road well. He thought his wife was too careful–a stick in the mud. So he didn’t listen to his wife’s pleas.
Well you know what happened. He drove that car with his wife off the road, down into a deep gorge, rolling over and over.
The man shook his head, took fast inventory of his body, pushed and crawled out the shattered window. A painful gash at his temple stung and his body ached with bruises.
He looked back at the wreckage of his beautiful fun dream.
“Oh shit,” he realized his wife was still inside the wreckage.
He wanted nothing but to run away. How could he ever face her again? He’d ruined what she’d so carefully worked to give him. He’d not listened to the danger he knew his careless driving might cause. He’d willfully and selfishly driven with the wind in his hair, laughing at the power and speed.
Should he dare to look at his wife? He didn’t even want to know what his actions had caused. He sat on the side of the hill, aching head in his hands until the ambulance arrived. He watched as the EMT’s extracted the bloodied, broken body of his wife. One of the EMT’s checked him out. He rode in the ambulance with his wife as the EMT’s tended to her, their expression belying the seriousness of her condition. He waited for hours in the waiting room, his head bandaged and aching.
“Oh my poor head. It hurts. I was so stupid to drive so fast. Now I’ll never have that beautiful car. We’ll never enjoy that special celebratory meal at that expensive precious restaurant we’d always dreamed of enjoying together.” Nearly all his thoughts and energy grieved his losses, thought about his pain.
The doctors told him to go home because his wife would be in intensive care for a long time. The man used their suggestion to justify not visiting his wife. In truth he did not want to see her pain, her brokenness, the pain in her eyes he knew his poor choices had caused. He stayed away for month as his wife recovered in a recovery facility. The doctors told him of the process his wife was required to go through, the pain, the long hours of rehabilitation.
“Don’t you want to visit your wife?” a nurse asked.
“I have to go to my traumatic brain injury classes”, he said. “I’ll come see her in the evening while she is sleeping. I don’t want to cause her any more pain in seeing me, who caused this accident.”
He made the accident all about him and his pain, his process.
He did visit a few times when his wife was asleep. He could barely look at her. He felt so ashamed and guilty. One time when she woke, she cried.
” I hurt so bad,” she said. “But(AND) I am working hard to recover. I am making progress.”
“That’s good,” he said, filled with self hatred. All he could think about was his shame. He touched his head and winced.. He thought about how he was driving his old clunker again and his beautiful fun new car was in the junkyard. He hated having to go to TBI classes and the headaches he still had. He was so focused on himself he could not really ‘see’ his wife’s pain, let alone tend to her pain.
He made the inevitable consequences of his ‘fun’ driving all about him and his painful consequences. “If she’d just not bugged me about my driving, I wouldn’t have had the accident. I could have kept driving and having speedy fun long after our celebration dinner. I would still be on the winding roads having fun.”
The wife came home. The man brought he meals as she healed more. He continued to go to his TBI classes, did his self care fun and exercises, watched tv–escaped from the reality of his recovering wife. Even when he heard her moan or cry at night, he turned over and went to sleep in his bed. He could no longer sleep next to her–it was too painful for her while her wounds healed.
He held it against her that he had to sleep in the extra room. He blamed her injuries, knew she needed to heal, but still felt deprived of his own bed and his beautiful fun new car.
She wanted to talk about the car, his driving, the accident. She wanted to understand how the accident happened even though she knew it was his carelessness that lent to it. She needed to know what curve, what blind spot, what speed, what mechanical factors if any had led to this horrible lifechanging crash. She felt she may never be comfortable driving with him again. Surely not unless and until he had dug deep to understand everything that led to the crash. Not until he learned and choose to tend to her, care for her and her recovery, be there for her in the years of painful recovery. The physical pain may never allow her to sleep in the same bed with him. The emotional pain and fear may never allow her to feel comfortable with him driving especially with her in the car. She may never be able to earn enough to buy another new car. He might not either. They’d have to do with the old clunker. Or someday get a better used car, but (and) never the shiny special one.
“Poor me. I’ll never have that fun new car. She will never be able to sleep next to me. She will have pain in her eyes and her body for years, maybe forever. It’s too hard to face her and the consequences of the crash. But (and) I don’t want people to judge me as a bad guy so I will do a little to look like I am helping. But (and) I will escape whenever I can from her and our reality.”
And he made it all about him, his pain, consequences and discomfort in seeing and living with his broken wife.
When she wanted to talk about the accident, to understand, to make sure it would never happen again by hearing his understanding of her pain and the reasons the accident happened–he stayed silent.
He made it all about him and his pain.
“How is this not about me?” He asked when his wife kept on and on about the crash. “I caused the crash.” Oh woah is me. You talk about me and my driving all the time. You talk about all the specifics of what led to the crash. It is all about me and my fuck up.”
“The topic is you and the consequences of your choices. The pain and life changes, yes. You and your choices are the topic”, she said. But (and) the reality is I need to heal, you need to heal and if we are ever going to get along, WE need to heal. That will take a long time and lots of dissection of the why’s the how’s the where’s, the what’s. We MUST understand so this will never happen again and so your driving and attitude will be changed through action. So I can see and experience your change of heart and actions for a LONG time.. So YES, you are the topic. HEALING and CHANGE through reparative action is the focus, the action.
You see this is not about you. It is about healing the pain, the consequences– and understanding, a change in behavior and heart. Repair to me, to you and to us. It is about the critically wounded who will take much longer to heal–ME. And the dead relationship that is traumatized. Your name will be the topic, your behavior will be the topic–the healing will be the focus, the recipient of the care and love and patience.”
The definition of significant rings familiar. However, in the study of statistics ‘Significant’ has a color of meaning that I find.. well, significant.
Important; of consequence. Having or expressing a meaning.
Statistics – of or relating to observations that are unlikely to occur by chance and that therefore indicate a systematic cause.
The significance of the choice to have an affair can not be understated. Until and unless the unfaithful recognizes what led them to make those choices, they are at risk of a repeat performance. Humans must dig deep to understand themselves. Self reflection is vital to self management and self control.
When a person’s thinking blossoms into stories they tell themselves that are not cross checked with reality; when a person assumes, he or she crosses into the land of minimization, justification, villianization of others and generally what 12 step programs refer to as “stink’in think’in”. The unfaithful often have placed significance into their own thought processes without benefit of adjusting their lens to reflect 20/20 reality. In short, they fool themselves–self delusion.
“unlikely to occur by chance and that therefore indicate a systematic cause.”
Their choices did not occur ‘by chance’. They have a systematic cause that must be unearthed to recognize it, clarify and adjust it to defend against its repetition.
What can we say about significance when it relates to the thinking and actions of the betrayed? So many of us are blindsided by our partner’s betrayal. Rightly so. Not many people expect the most beloved and presumably trustworthy person in their life to destroy the contract, the agreement to support, honor and cherish.
What I am about to say may tweak you the wrong way, make you mad or, at first blush– just seem w-r-o-n-g.
I found my identity in the wrong things.
WHAT???
I hear you thinking: “Is it wrong to be committed to my spouse, family, home and career?
Whoa. I did not say anything about commitment. I said ‘identity’. My significance.
identity
the sense of self, providing sameness and continuity in personality over time and sometimes disturbed in mental illnesses.
Many of us have such a huge commitment to our spouse, family and home that it becomes our identity. We feel a-fronted should someone criticize how we are parenting or judge our housekeeping or our marital relationship. We take on an inordinate share of our worthiness and place it outside our healthy circle of control. At the end of the day we have zero control over other person’s choices–even our children and spouse. Truth be told, we have little control over anything or anyone other than ourself.
For those of us who find our sense of worth in the success of our marriage, our children, our career, the state of our house—we are bound to be disappointed. We may, in fact, live in a nearly chronic state of low level disappointment.
There is no such thing as perfection. No such thing as reliable control (and therefore responsibility) for other person’s behaviors. It is not realistic to think that we do. “Mental illness?”, though? Perhaps if taken too extreme. We risk slipping into codependence at best.
Out of love we misplace our value, our identity, sometimes our very significance on the perceived health of our spouse, children, home, and/or career. We put the golden eggs of our self esteem and value in other people, places and things. We exert unenforceable rules and demands, whether stated or imagined, onto imperfect, limited person’s and things. We set ourselves up for disappointment.
When we judge our day, our week or our life on how well others outside our circle of control are behaving, and place the value of our happiness upon them, we will eventually, inevitably be disappointed, ney, devastated should they betray us.
I misplaced so very much of my identity, my value, my worth on how well I was doing in my primary relationships; how successful those relationship were in the lens of my upbringing and cultural influences. Did my life measure up to what I deserved because I gave so much and tried so hard to be a great mom, wife and employee? Surely everyone else who professed to love me– owed me the same. They would act in love toward me, support me, value me and feed into my identity of good mom, wife and employee.
Nuts.
It just doesn’t work that way. What any given person invests in is seldom returned in full. Even when there are occasions of happiness, of support and investment of love toward us, it is imperfect and limited–as everyone and all situations are. If my identity is as a valued, respected and loved wife, mother and employee, I WILL be bruised and disappointed when not treated as such.
In the case of infidelity, I will be devastated. My perceived value as that great wife, mother, employee is going down the drain when the plug is pulled. When the rug of my expectations is yanked from beneath me the ‘unfairness’ of my expectation of faithfulness and love–shattered, I am in peril of being shot down. I feel devalued if not worthless. All my love and work and giving did not yield what I told myself I deserved, earned. And why didn’t I see it coming? Is there something wrong with me that this atrocity should have been cast upon me? My perfect world is shattered. My expectation of growing old with the spouse I loved always and forever at my side in loving support—obliterated. “Plan A” into which I invested all my golden eggs has proven to be untrustworthy, flawed and… *gasp* uncontrollable.
I am now in the land of destroyed plan A–hoisted into a plan B I neither planned for, expected or deserved. Where do I go from here? The rubble of plan A is all around me and my outlook on life has taken a severe beating. From where do I find my strength, my value?
For those of faith, a higher power is the one reliable answer. From a secular perspective, another safety net must be constructed or drawn upon. If we have put all our worth and identity in our marriage, we are starting from ground zero. For those of us who have spread our identity out to include a broad spectrum of persons, places, accomplishments, our task will have some support so vital to heal. Grief needs to be witnessed. Many of our unfaithful are too deep in shame or ‘the fog’ to help us. If our very identity, our significance has been placed in them, we are up that cliche creek without a paddle.
What we all desire is to be loved. When someone we love lets us down in the most profound way and we do not have a strong relationship with our personal value apart from persons and things, we are bound to flounder. The first step of the 12 step recovery programs reminds us that we are powerless over _______________. Fill in the blank. Whether it be alcohol, overeating, drugs or other people the truth of it rings loud and clear.
God
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change—
The courage to change the things I can (myself, my attitude, my personal circle of control–ME!)
…And the wisdom to know the difference.
We just got back from a three week visit to our daughter and granddaughter in North Carolina. Daughter was on post Afghanistan deployment leave, We’d not seen her since a year ago spring, so were pretty excited to go. At the time of our departure from California, no ‘safer at home’ shelter in pace had been declared and the airports were still a-bustle. Now, three weeks later, the Charlotte airport, where we made our connection, was all but a ghost town.
Armed with n-95 masks, antibacterial wipes and hand spray, we made our way literally on a wing and a prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (travel home to shelter in place during a pandemic), change the things I can (do all I can to remain safe while in the air and airport), and the wisdom to know the difference.
“Couldn’t you have just stayed with your daughter?”
As a vital military strategic planner, daughter is now called back to duty and will therefore be exposed to the outside world. As careful as she might be, we would be exposed along with her each day she arrives back home. So we are calmly, serenely (mostly) accepting the things we can not change and doing all we can to remain socially distant until we get to our California home….to isolate/quarantine for two weeks and then stay at home for as long as authorities suggest
“So what’s ‘not the Marines’?”
It is not the Marine’s fault that we live 2600 miles away from our daughter/granddaughter. It is not the Marine’s fault that we can only see them a couple times a year. It is not the Marines that are keeping us apart.
It is the choice of our daughter to be a Marine. It is her choice as to how she spends her leave time. It is our tight budget that disallows more frequent visits. It is many things, choices and priorities.
It is not the fault of the Marines.
Who said it was? Yup…you may have guessed—my UH. He shared that he used the Marines as an example of his biggest resentment in an online 12 step meeting while we were visiting. His proclivity toward blame and black and white thinking was on full display as he shared his resentment, complete with contemptuous tone and body language.
“I don’t think it’s the Marines.” I said, after he’d had his share. “I hear that you feel disappointed and angry that we do not see our grandchild more often. I do too. I hear that you have built up frustration and anger over these many months daughter has been deployed. Me too. I feel your frustration too.
“But I do not think it is any fault of the Marines. Many families, perhaps most, who have adult children, live far away from their parents. Our mobile society and needs of the adult children’s jobs makes it so. Our daughter’s choice to serve her country is a noble profession. It has taken her far away. She chose to be a Marine. She signed on to meet the needs of the service—not her parent’s needs.”
“Yeah—I am so proud of her.”
“Me too,” I said. “She most likely would not live near us no matter what her profession. Needing to blame someone or something is understandable in a primal way. But it holds no value or positive function. I think what you may be feeling is grief. Sadness. I know I am.”
“Yeah.” He said reticently, with a tone of reluctance. “I still hate the Marines. Maybe it is from my childhood at military school with my ex Marine drill sergeant. I’ve disliked the Marines and their gung ho training all these years.”
“Yes. I feel the effects of that training in daughter. It is part and parcel of the Marine package. The needs of the service. We haven’t developed into a peaceful society yet and we still have warriors to protect us from others who haven’t developed past war as a solution yet either. Now that is something to grieve.”
“Yup. I still hate the Marines.”
I allowed the conversation to end. Maybe this was a step forward out of black and white thinking that has been my experience with my addict UH. He was actually willing to consider a different point of view and soften his harsh judgment displaced onto a whole organization because he feels frustrated and sad not to see our daughter/granddaughter more often.
Me too.
And isn’t that the foundation of empathy—the ability to share a ‘me too.’ Moment?
Investment in your relationship is like the “grass is greener” myth– NOT greener elsewhere
“When I use only the sprinkler system, it quickly becomes obvious where the sprinkler system is not watering. The grass which is not adequately watered quickly turns brown and dies. I become dissatisfied with the dry patches in my lawn, but I know they are only dry for lack of my attention and effort. The grass is simply greener where I’ve watered it.
The lesson my lawn teaches me every summer can be applied to relationships as well. Nowhere in our relationships does this little rule of nature seem to be more true than in marriages impacted by infidelity. Individuals involved in affairs frequently complain of their miserable lives, but close observation generally reveals a severe case of under-involvement. It is true, they are miserable; but their misery isn’t generally the result of working overly hard on the relationship. They may be putting effort into their children, but when it comes to their romantic relationships, they invest far more energy into their affair partner than they ever put into their marriage. They write cards to the affair partner, spend hours on the phone, and plan surprises for him or her. In addition to that, they spend hours dreaming of the next time they get to see their lover. In fact, it’s not unusual for them to spend up to 70% of their thought life focused on some aspect of their secret relationship. Given that sort of time investment, is it any surprise that they fail to feel any connection in their marriages? There tends to be little strength, interest, or time left to devote to the marriage. Considering their behavior, no wonder the grass doesn’t seem very green.
In the end, it’s not that the grass is truly greener elsewhere, it’s just greener where it’s watered. If you find that you’re dissatisfied with your marriage, you may be tempted to look for greener pastures. You may even think you’ve found them, if all your efforts and attention are aimed at your affair partner. But you’ll also find that your marriage will be greener if you make the same type of investment in your marriage. Think about it.”
– Rick Reynolds LCSW, AfairRecovery.com
A twelve step mentor leader very well known in the community and internationally explains it like this:
Having an affair/porn/gambling/overeating problem that causes problems in your life, whether you call it an addiction or not makes no difference is what is called in the 12 step recovery rooms a ‘process addiction’. The person engaging in this hyper dopamine producing activity is under the influence of the PROCESS, not a substance. It is every bit as powerful as the addict’s compulsion to use the drug. It is like the addict anticipating the high that drives him to search out and partake in the drug. He can feel the release of pain and responsibility even when dialing the dealers phone number. Anticipation
In this case it is the very process of setting up the next tryst. The thinking about, the planning, the fantasizing about, the anticipation–that releases the dopamine. It can be somewhat like anticipating a delicious slab of double fudge cake. Makes your mouth water just thinking about it. Drives you to the kitchen in the middle of the night. Fills your mind with fantasy of the next bite, even in the middle of a work meeting. It is the process of anticipation and set up–the build up leading to the meeting that feeds the high long term. The actual meet up can be a let down, just as the cake can taste not as good as you’d imagined. Or the cake can be good and you can’t wait until you can have another piece, so the cycle starts again–anticipation, planning, fantasy build up. Surely it will be great next time.
A process addiction can be much more time and emotion consuming than the high of a drug. Booze or cocaine wears off. The high of anticipation of an event can be just as consuming if not more so.
We humans are built to dream and anticipate We wait all year to go on vacation. We save, plan, dream about, think about what the vacation will be like. Sometimes so much that the actual experience can not possibly live up to what we’ve made it in our mind. Yet we keep going on vacation each year thinking the next vacation will be as good or better. There is a whole ritual surrounding the event. A process.
When a person craves attention, validation, and the kind mirroring of another (broken) person who will tell them anything just to get their fix too. You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours with praise and talk of ‘love’. Two people praising each other, feeding that insatiable need for being admired and told your poop doesn’t stink. That hole in the soul –that unfillable hole that needs validation is fed, even if it is fed with lies, exaggerations, over the top espousing of perfection. Even if it is all a fantasy–like an actor telling his movie wife he adores her in front of the camera. The need is so great, the unfaithful wants and needs to believe it so badly, they keep going back for more.
Healthier individuals self validate, or work to earn respect and praise–well deserved. They wouldn’t want to settle for an actor, a player giving them a line. Well we are not talking about healthy individuals. We are talking about folks who are caught up in a circuitous process of craving adoration. False or not, there is the craving.
Why can’t a spouse meet that need and fill it? The broken may think their spouse has to say nice stuff. It’s in the contract, so to speak. Or the faithful spouse does not shell out enough flattery as they are busy running real life. Any praise they give is REAL and earned through loving actions. It is not enough for the praise bottomless pit. It goes in and falls to the unquenchable bottom. Not enough.
As many others have said, it is hard for those who do not have this bottomless hole to understand. Consider yourself lucky you do not. What an awful place to be. Craving without anything but momentary satisfaction. Fun but no real joy. Fluff that leaves you wanting more. A steady diet of cotton candy leaves you unsatisfied too–best go back to the meat and potatoes of the spouse and real life to regain your strength before the craving for cotton candy begins again–now that you are fed at home with a healthy diet.
The process begins again.
On a recovery site a betrayed spouse lamented that her UH never did anything for Valentine’s Day. She said ‘he has until midnight to do something this year’.
This is heartbreakingly tough. While I totally empathize with her wanting her Uh to demonstrated that he thinks about her through some sort of physical demonstration, to expect him too is a huge set up for disappointment.
That said, if I make clear what I would like, if I have made a clear request he has agreed to, it is definitely seed for resentment and disappointment. Example: My UH and I agreed he would approach me to talk each day. He has dragged his feet in processing through this mess for nearly four years and my patience has long ago worn thin. He agreed. In fact, per the recommendation of a boundaries expert, we both jotted down the agreement, dated and initialed it.
He broke the agreement within two days and has not followed through since. He is too uncomfortable talking about it. Self preservation via avoidance.
That said, NOT talking about a want or need and then holding your spouse responsible for not meeting said want or need is akin to what gets so many unfaithful into their sick choices. They assume we betrayed are mind readers or they are embarrassed or afraid to bring up their concern or hurt. Resentment builds = acting out.
They act as judge, jury and executioner—all without any awareness or input from the accused and sentenced. My UH felt we did not have sex often enough when our kids were 3 and 5. He never talked to me about it. He assumed I was withholding sex from him to hurt him. He assumed I was rejecting him out of spite. Even though that had never been nor has ever been a feature of my character. Even though I kept him informed as to my exhaustion as a stay at home often single parent during all his traveling. Even though I communicated my chagrin as to why I had such low libido. Even though I even went to the doctor to try to figure it out.
20/20 hind sight–he was withdrawing truth and intimacy as well as investment in our marriage. Duh…effected me negatively as I felt more and more lonely, isolated and over burdened with responsibilities. 20/20 hindsight.
Point being–he did not give me the opportunity to know he was considering stepping outside the marriage. He did not give US a chance to work through this very common season of young family and low sex life. He assumed the worst of me and acted. He abandoned US.
Assumptions and judgements without benefit of checking the facts or talking it through is the perfect storm for disastrous actions and consequences.
Load a gun of resentment if your UH does not do something to acknowledge Valentine’s Day without any discussion… ??
Make an ASS of U and ME.
Christine Renewed 