Tell me somethin’, girl
Are you drowning in your shattered world?
Or do you need more?
Is there somethin’ else you’re searchin’ for? I’ve failed you
In all the good times I used all you gave, for me
Always Longin’ for more
And in the bad times I abandoned you

Tell me something, boy
Aren’t you tired tryin’ to fill that void?
Or do you still need more?
Ain’t it hard keeping all those lies? I’m free-falling
In all the good times I believed in you
Believing you were true
And these new bad times I fear everything, watch me die
I’ll never be who I was
Crash through the lies, apologize. Dig deep for the whys
I’m far from normal days. Inside the lies you built
In the lonely, lonely
In the lonely, lonely
We’re far…

________________________________

The relationship after betrayal is ‘shallow’ by definition. It is not lie-free, authentic and therefore not intimate.

Intimate betrayal heaps a kind of shock and grief upon the betrayed unlike any other. It has been termed ‘disenfranchised grief’. Why, you ask.

Because when you discover your spouse cheated on you, you are cast into a lonely world. Many of us we were lonely long before we knew why. We were living inside a lie. Unlike when a normal death occurs, no-one brings casseroles or asks what they can do for you so you can grieve. Chances are no-one knows. And who do you tell?

Our society is still largely ignorant. Not because people want to hurt the already bleeding betrayed. Many assume the betrayal was caused by a severe deficit in the marriage, or worse yet, by a severe deficit in the betrayed spouse.

Many treat the betrayed like they have come down with leprasy…like infidelity is either catching or a voo doo doll curse that might pierce them too. The betrayed are cast away….again.

Disenfranchised grief

In disenfranchised grief there are few support systems, rituals, traditions, or institutions such as bereavement leave available to those experiencing it. In the case of infidelity, the betrayed spouse may be suffering from her own unearned shame because of societal or self judgements. Bad marriages do not cause infidelity. Broken, selfish and/or entitled people do. There is always a constructive way to deal with any perceived marital or personal issues. To cheat rips the reality away from the betrayed through the disrespectful, devaluing, traumatic choice to break the marital vows. It strips her of all choice.

Well-meaning friends and family may attempt to set a time limit on a bereaved person’s right to grieve. The need to regulate mourning and restore a state of normal work activity severely impacts the grieving process. But this is what society does—fails to understand. Recovery from this near mortal emotional wound is not short or easy.

______________________

We betrayed are thrown into the darkest loneliest place. What we need is empathy, patience, emotional and physical support…not judgement and abandonment. Our unfaithful have already judged and abandoned us in the most grievous way.

A betrayed spouse needs, deserves your kind support. She is devastated in the loneliest place on earth — loss of everything she thought to be true. Her life is in free fall. And there’s no place more lonely than that.

Lo-Lo-Lo-Lonely.