I don’t think so.

Why?

Because no one can change the realty of the choices made in the past. No one can undo what has been done.

And what was done was grossly abusive, massively unfair, unilateral destruction.

When I think of 9/11, tears still sting the back of my eyes. When I miss my Dad and his loving gaze, my heart tightens in my chest. When I am so far away from my granddaughter every single day, knowing I am missing the miracles of her development; a tear will roll down my cheek.

I am not God. I am not omnipresent. I am a mere human being with limits, frailties, faults, imperfections. As much as I wish I could step into a superhero film, don a cape and fly wherever I might–I am but a woman.

That said, I am also definitely not omniscient. I can not see into all people’s minds, into the far away, into the past, the future. I am so limited by this miraculous body and mind of mine. So very limited.

And I am sad.

Sad that my marriage was not what I thought it was. Sad that I was taken advantage of–that my good nature, my giving, my trust was violated and used. Sad that the marriage I thought would have celebrated its fortieth year last August, actually ended in November of 1989 when my then husband chose to end it by breaking his commitment to me.

I think I now know something of the grief of the divorced. Those valiant souls that must move on with their lives when their spouse files. Those who are abandoned by their mate and left to pick up the pieces of the shattered dreams of a lifetime forever.

My spouse did not have the courage to file for divorce. He chose instead to use me–keep me in the place of faithful wife, homemaker, mother and the ten thousand roles I played. He played me like a violin–a beautiful long sweet solo played only for him, now turned melancholy.

No, I can not, I will never forget what he did to me. What he chose so often and for so many years–himself.–and sex with another woman–to spend our savings–to lie–to cheat—to steal. That will ALWAYS hurt.

I still have choice though. I will choose to find joy again. I will choose to focus on what is good and right and valuable and sacred. I will choose light, not dark. I will place myself in the path of happiness and pray it comes.

I choose life.

I choose to remain a loving, giving person.

I choose to be what is right and faithful and good.

I choose to love.