From the time I was in elementary school I have enjoyed singing in a choir, listening to the radio, buying albums, going to concerts and musicals. Music transports me.
When I am sad it can lift me up.
Or it can empathize with my feelings. It can reinforce that I am not the only one who has felt what the lyrics convey.
Today I asked my UH if any piece(s) of music make him sad or regretful of all the time he wasted on his affair accomplice. He said the usual “I don’t know.” And then he was snippy.
What is it about shame that drives the one experiencing it to be so nasty and/or indifferent?
When a perfectly lovely love song comes on Pandora and I cry because what I thought was real love in my life was a lie–why can’t the person who caused all my pain take the opportunity to connect by expressing his sorrow for having lost the exclusivity and precious oneness we had since we were teenagers?
It feels to me like he does not care a fig about my feelings or me. All he seems to care about is how ashamed he feels. And he is angry that he feels shame.
Just another day in the life of a betrayal trauma survivor.
Dear Unfaithful: Don’t do this! Grow up and take responsibility for your past actions by trying to mend the hurt you have caused. Love and praise your broken hearted spouse. Empathize with them and express how you think they must feel. Or better yet–ask for them to express their grief. They deserve nothing less than to be heard out and deeply apologized to. Then thank them for the grace they have extended by tolerating your sorry behind while you grow up.
Stop making everything about you and your feelings. Haven’t you done that long enough? Look where it has landed you.
So I was doing the repetitive task of painting the living room wall today (yes, I am still working on my house) and a trigger came flooding in on me. I remembered my UH saying that he never wore his wedding ring when he was with his mistress. I also remember him commenting in loving (pride?) amazement when we were intimate in years past how dark his hands were next to my white skin.
Well that was a real set up for ‘fill in the puzzle pieces’ trigger land. The theater screen of my mind saw him manhandling her, his ring running across her flesh, his hands also much darker than her skin. Yuck! I could just imagine him thinking at the time what a stud he was that he had that ring on (so one woman at home tending the fires) and was screwing another who praised him, performed for him, made him feel like a king. Double yuck!
So I thought I would give it another try–share my trigger with him. At lunch when he was in the back yard finishing up his meal, I took mine outside too, sat down near him and finished eating as well. I reticently and gingerly shared my trigger.
In the past any mention of the affair or its costs to me has illicited anger and shame reaction. We have talked ad nauseum about how unhelpful and unfair it is for him to throw me under the bus because he feels ashamed for his actions.
Well he listened. He did not yell. All he said was “Okay”.
When I told him that his original story of never wearing his ring while with her just did not ring true (pun intended)–he agreed. He said he probably did not take his ring off because he would be afraid of losing it. He said he told me he took it off each time so as not to hurt me! (Un friggin believable. As if not wearing his wedding ring while having sex with another woman would be in any way less painful?)
Anyways, I told him that nearly every betrayed woman on any forum I’ve read felt the same–she never wanted to see her UH’s wedding ring again. We betrayed know where that ring has been—running all over another woman’s body. And as for losing the ring–why would he care? His choices made the symbol of our vows meaningless. The ring was and is now only costume jewelry. Needless to say I do not wear my rings and asked him to sell his.
Costume – he wore his wedding ring as a costume of a faithful husband. Since he was not a faithful husband it was stolen valor from every other man who has earned the right to wear such a precious gold band. To wear it was a lie–a fake–a charlatan. Why would he care if he lost it? He could just lie and say he lost it while at his business meeting out of town ( the worst and most believable lie is one that contains an element of truth.)
So he said he did not want to lose it because it meant something to him. Really? The ring I gave him had meaning when he threw me away for another? That precious symbol of love and fidelity had meaning to him?
The only meaning I can see it as having is as costume pretend. So he could look like something he was not–faithful hubby. Maintain his image at any cost. SO he could continue receiving all the benefits of being married without any of the messy commitment on his end.
Of course he lied to himself about it all and told himself the ring had meaning because I gave it to him once upon a time ‘when I loved him’. What a mess of a human being he was. He had no idea what love is. He saw love as a feeling and not a choice to remain faithful and work on your relationship. If things were not as he wanted them, he bailed. Not enough sex? Find it elsewhere. Don’t treat me better and work on our relationship–just bail out. And then blame me.
So cliche. So sick. So sad.
So I asked him if he felt at all bad that I had this trigger. He said “Of course I do.”
“Well why don’t you voice your regret then?”
“I’m doing it now!” he snipped.
So instead of leaning in and expressing genuine remorse without me having to ask him to express remorse, sadness for devastating me and our vows and empathize with my sadness, he says “Okay.” And then I have to practically beg him to express any regret.
This is my present reality.
This is why I am detached as best I can from him. It is just too painful to be close either physically or emotionally to him. He is so disappointing–so detached from me and from himself. It is so damn sad.
Nope, not that kind…as in washing your face or brushing your teeth.
Grooming is a process that an abusive person uses to make sure his partner feels safe and trusts him. They do good things and act in stand up ways to set a baseline reality. They make you and those around you believe they are trustworthy, honest and a good guy. It is a form of manipulation when that image is not reality.
If your UH is/was being intentional in manipulating your opinion or view of him as being an honest and faithful spouse when in fact he is/was not, he is/was grooming you to take advantage or you.
The groomer also manages his image with everyone else in his life. It allows him to escalate his acting out without suspicion. The groomer makes sure their reputation is intact. Some women have referred to it as ‘fake love’.
Lying is a characteristic of grooming. It is portraying vulnerability through saying something like “I used to ____.” when in fact he is still doing _____. Bald face lies to manipulate the spouse into thinking he is reformed.
Divorce does not solve the abusiveness of lying and image management. It takes work on the part of the abuser to change. Whether or not you stay or go, you will still deal with the mind games until and unless he chooses to get real and authentic. If he is not healthy, willing to be honest and faithful, marriage is not going to stop his broken behavior. Sad, but true.
Grooming is similar to gaslighting because they both make you seem like the crazy person or the bad person, but it’s the intentionality of them doing good things to seem good and hide the bad that differentiates it from gas lighting .
A grooming survivor states, “When he started working more on the 12-Steps and he was making amends to people in regards to his abusive behaviors, he would say all the right things without being really honest and manipulating them to make him seem better then he was at that point. Then when I wasn’t ok, people would say: “Oh, but I thought you were better because he reached out to me and he said he was sorry and made these amends and said he’s going to get better.” Really, he was grooming others to believe that he’s better or believe that we’re better.”
Needless to say, this kind of manipulation is crazy making. If you are living under similar conditions, it is important that you recognize the manipulation and set boundaries that will not allow you to be taken advantage of just because he looks like the good guy to you or others.
In my own life, I have found detachment and an in-house separation to give me enough personal distance to enable me to observe and consider what is real and what isn’t. I am also blessed with a handful of woman who believe me when I tell them what has and is actually going on. It is through this personal rigorous honesty that I am able to maintain my balance as I hope and pray for his authentic recovery.
Is there a real ‘good guy’ still present? I think so. God grant me the serenity to accept the things (and people) I can not change, the courage to change the things I can (that would be me) and the WISDOM to know the difference.
… is much more about them, than you. People’s reactions to you are about their perspectives, wounds and experiences. There is an incredible amount of inner freedom that comes to you when you detach from other people’s behaviors. The way people treat you is their problem, how you react is yours.
If there is one thing that can help me get past this atrocious betrayal it is keeping this in mind. What my Uh chose to do again and again and again by sleeping with his mistress is SOOOO about him and not me. While he used me and my perceived shortcomings to justify his betrayal, it was him and only him that chose to feed his ego. I was unfortunate collateral damage with little to no thought given by him about the costs to me.
What he did was much less about treating me badly as it was about feeding his entitlement to sex and adoration. I was an inconsequential persona non grata. I did not matter in any other way than to make his choices more exciting because they were forbidden. He convinced himself his sexual dalliances would have zero effect on me.
It was NOT about me. It was 100% about him and his unquenchable need for adoration in the form of (false) praise and sex. What a sick depraved person he was. He could not see the gem of a wife he had right in front of him. He blinded himself to all the good in me even though he benefited hugely from being married to a giving, hard working, creative wife that made his life so much richer than it ever would have been single. I gave him two beautiful children – a legacy unattainable without me. I gave him all my time and effort and love to make his world/our world comfortable and lovely. We were the admiration of all our friends. We had fun parties, dinners, travels and holidays. All this through my creative input and effort. I made it all happen. He benefitted. And so did I.
I was glad to do it because I thought I had an ever loving spouse who had my back.
What he did is 100% on him. I was and am a prize spouse and partner that any man could appreciate and from which he would benefit.
Intimate betrayal is all about the betrayer. There is not a person on earth who could have prevented our spouse from cheating. THEY choose to put their bottomless need for kudos above all else in life. It was ALL about them. Nothing about us. No matter what he tries to tell you.
There is an incredible amount of inner freedom that comes to you when you detach from your UH’s choices and behaviors.
The way he treated you is his problem.
How you react is yours.
I choose love. I will not cease loving myself and feeding my well being. I will not stop being the giving, loving individual I am just because he was too blind to see it. His lack of appreciation and love in no way takes away from the fact that I gave love.
I am a loving giving person. Always have been. Always will be.
Shhh…you are in no way diminished by another’s choices.
Take off the gag you have made by listening to him or society as they judge you. Shout the truth from the rooftops of your mind. Tell yourself day in and out. You are every bit as wonderful a person today as you were throughout his cheating. You are worthy of love. You are loving.
I’ve undertaken painting the interior walls of my house since I got home from vacation. I have one week off from my usual care provider job as the lady I help is still in convalescent care, and the walls of my house have been staring at me in their dinginess, unattended with a fresh coat of paint for some ten years.
As I roll the viscous ‘Apricot whisper’ paint onto the walls I watch the scrapes, unremovable splashes and mystery marks disappear under the smooth fresh blush of new paint. The unintended bump of a chair, the splash of olive oil from some past salad, the buff mark of a suitcase gone awry — all is covered, all forgiven through the intention, time, money and effort I put into the job.
Hmmm…not unlike healing from past bumps and bruises.
The one dent that took extra effort to hide was the one the door knob made. No doubt one of my UH’s fury rages swung the door so hard that even the stopper failed to protect the surface of the wall. I get out the putty knife and spread, carefully cajoling the spackle into a semblance of original texture and level. I lean back to judge my efforts. Not bad. Perhaps no one will even notice unless I were to point out the variation in pattern, the disruption in theme of slightly bumpy smoothness that is the wall behind the door.
And so my wounds, my trauma go unnoticed by those who take but a passing glance. Just as an acquaintance or stranger would not be looking for the marred wall behind my door, so too the devastation that has been so central a feature of my life for the last three years goes unnoticed by most.
Is it the brave face I put on or their self absorption with their own concerns? Probably some combination of these. Whatever the case, most people who have not been intimately betrayed will never know the depth and breadth of the pain. How could they? Their world goes on in a predictable rhythm with the jolts and bumps of everyday living. They have not know the loss of their marriage though the unilateral decisions of their spouse. Perhaps their marriage is not at the center of their world or they have not given their all to the dream of family and spouse. And if they have, they may be the fortunate that know only the everyday disappointments of a forgotten anniversary card or the loss of a job causing financial stress for a time.
They don’t know.
So I smooth on the pretty new coat of creamy apricot. It whispers a serene tone and covers all the cares of the past ten years since last it had a freshening. Could recovery from trauma be so simple?
Simple, yes. But not easy.
It is going to take a long time to cover all the costs of betrayal. Smooth over all the hurts, all the memories with a fresh outlook and appreciation for all the blessing that still remain.
And that is the paint of life–gratitude. Gratitude is the antidote for grief.
And so I move forward mindfully looking for the good, the beautiful, the pleasant. It is there. It always has been. I just need to remember–and be grateful.
So many of us who find ourselves betrayed have been the backbone of our families. Often the responsible partner is the one bearing a disproportionate amount of the labor it takes to run a household.
Often the unfaithful either have an addictive personality or features of it that lead them to feel entitled to more than their fair share. They have found many ways to justify their actions – also a feature of addiction. They, de facto, are taking advantage of us, the betrayed. Our trust, our good will, our time. Cheating steals time, perhaps funds and emotional investment from the primary relationship–the only relationship promised to be exclusive.
We betrayed have taken up the slack, whether it is watching the children while he is off ‘at work’ –really with his mistress or we might be over invested in seeing to his comfort–out of love and concern. We have probably given unwittingly to the maintenance of the cheating relationship.
We certainly have the right to our fury. What we must be very careful to avoid is in any way holding ourselves to blame. We are the woman our spouse promised to remain faithful to. We are the package he bought with his vows and promises. He knew and loved us, warts and all. Nowhere in the vows does it say “faithful until someone alluring comes along.” Or “faithful unless I feel inordinately horny and need to spread my sperm around more”. Or “faithful unless the kids take too much energy from my wife and she is not the sparkling scintillating twenty year old anymore”. No reason, no excuses for sleeping with another woman.
We are fully lovable just the way we are. Even in our most horrid moment of exhaustion. Even when we have not one drop of energy to give more. Even when we become a bit mom-like as we tend to the children. Frumpy, lumpy, soft, unexercised us as we invest into our young family, disallowing us the same time and ability to keep ourselves in dating condition.
We are lovable. We are the stuff of family and growth and protection of the young. We are the fellow bread earners and/or bread makers. We signed on to be partners and have done our very best to meet that partnership equally, if not more.
We were once the dewy complexioned, doe eyed innocent who stood before our husband, family, friends and God with promises and so much hope.
“We’ve only just begun to live. White lace and promises. A kiss for luck and we’re on our way.” So said the Carpenters in their 1970’s song.
We bought in for better or worse.
And here we are. This is the ‘worse’. This is the unexpected, the unfathomable, the inexcusable.
Through it all, we have been and are lovable. We are the woman he married. The woman he promised his faithfulness.
And there is not a thing this side of heaven that excuses his choice to divorce us unilaterally and in secret. All while basking in the benefits of marriage.
Look in the mirror. Look past the swollen, puffy eyes, the drawn complexion and wan of trauma. Look deep into the eyes of a woman who loved. She is the very glue of society, the nucleus of the family. We have loved.
And someone who has loved so purely and with such trust is oh so very lovable whether or not a broken man can see it. You have always been lovable. You– just as you are.
The ultimate battlefield in a good life, or not, is the mind. It is so ‘easy’, so alluring, so much a feature of trauma to slip into perseverative thoughts about the people, places and things that have caused said trauma. By the very nature of this blog, I am drawn into the negative, the allure of self pity and depression.
F*ck it. I will not allow the choice of another ruin my one beautiful, blessed life. And although I write to process what has happened to me—although I write in hopes of creating some resonance with others who find themselves in the unenviable position of being betrayed, I never for one moment want to give credence to the dark side.
I just returned from an amazing two weeks in Switzerland, Italy, Greece and Croatia. As I look back upon all the experiences and sights, I know more than ever how spectacular this thing called life is and how worthwhile every moment drawing breath is. You don’t have to go to Europe to realize this.
I find as much wonder, pleasure and serenity enjoying a rich cuppa joe and the light filtering through the trees as I do looking at the cobalt blue Mediterranean from the cliffs of Oai Santorini Greece.
And you can too. Draw in that deep, lung expanding breath. Smell the sweetness of the fresh air outside your window. Gaze at the joyous faces of children at play. The boundless energy and life in a dog chasing a ball. The miracle of your own gait as you walk your neighborhood.
We have life. We are here and now. What has happen in the past shall remain there if it does not contribute to the goodness of the present.
I am blessed and so are you. We have lived our life in authenticity. We are the real heroes of our own story and need not allow the broken choices of another, even if that other is our own beloved spouse, to take away from the wonder, the amazing complexity… and simplicity, of our life well lived.
Wow…but this bit of insight hit me hard. I read an article that said the place a betrayed or an unfaithful want to aspire to is to be indifferent toward the affair accomplice.
It was stated that to hate her is to feel passionately about her. And passion takes up mental real estate that she neither deserves or warrants. She must become a persona non grata of the past. “Place a tombstone over that relationship.”
Our work is cut out for us when we have been either so deeply wounded by the actions of another broken thoughtless woman or we have been sexually and emotionally involved with an affair partner. It takes time and mindfulness to choose to put that person in the far reaches of consciousness.
It is akin to forgiveness as it requires the forgiver to become indifferent toward the object of her terrible pain or his awful choices. It is the stuff of God, of grace, of tolerance and compassion.
When will it ever seem fair?
Never.
Because it is inherently unjust that we betrayed were ever put in the place in which we now find ourselves. We should never have had a woman we could so hate introduced into our lives. There should never have been another in the heart and mind of our spouse. It is unforgivable–and yet we must forgive to set ourselves free.
We have limited time and resources in this life. To spend one more moment agonizing over a person who should never have existed in our timeline is to rob ourselves of that time. We could be spending that time in finding and engaging with worthwhile people and concerns. In kindness and joyfulness.
Nope–not gonna let her rob me of one more moment. She already took what was not hers to take. She truly does not deserve my consideration.
And you know what? When she no longer is in my life, on the scene or occupying my thoughts, I gain traction in learning that the world is again a safe place. I am safe to live the life of my choosing
I am just returned from a vacation long planned, long saved for. A ‘pilgrimage’ with forty souls and a priest to some of the marvels of Europe–religious and man made. It is through the eyes of a novice one truly ‘sees’. I, the novice of this vacation pilgrimage– to explore.
Children are like that. They remain deeply present in the moment as they conquer their new world. So too, we who value travel. We open our hearts, minds and eyes to other cultures other places, just as a child does day in and out to his new world.
It take a long time to regain this innocence, once it is lost. To regain the ability to set aside all the distractions of our adult world and just ‘be’. A human sponge.
My daughter sent a short video of my granddaughter making her first triumphant crawling expeditions across the family room carpet to knock down block towers. Her vocalizations were joyous, focused, committed to the task of accomplishment and learning. She literally willed herself to propel forward in her infant environment, in order to explore and gain some mastery over her world. She is fully engaged in the dance of life.
When you have been betrayed by your spouse, it decimates your childlike wonder. Innocence in gone. We who have been there at first struggle to simply survive. It is tough to be childlike when you feel unsafe and violated.
Yet it is this very quality that brings richness and wonder into our world. It is what we must strive for– to regain ourselves, our love of life, our gratitude for every moment of life. None of us know how many days we have on this beautiful blue marble twirling through space. The shame of being deceived is the robbery it causes of so very many moments.
Life is indeed a series of moments. We are worth striving to savor each and every one of them–even the ones that hold pain. Our emotions and experiences are what attach us to life. They steep us in the primordial essence of life.
I look for the best in each moment. I look for the lessons, the beauty, the joy. I am over three years out from my D-day and I still have to remain vigilant and mindful of my desire to move toward a life I can love–just like my granddaughter who squeals at the joy of knocking over a tower of colorful blocks.
I want to be more like her again. And I can be. I can make it so. I have the power to choose life.
This is one of the most difficult lessons taught in life–and AlAnon. Those of us who have felt overburdened by responsibilities, parentified as children, neglected, abandoned, used, abused, taken advantage of or just plain felt the weight of expectations heavy upon our shoulders know all too well the feeling of losing ourselves in it.
The odd effect of the above is that it so often turns out hyper responsible, fixing, ultra supportive, perfectionistic, givers who act out of pure love that have been subconsciously warped by unacceptable behavior toward us, often in childhood.
It takes a long time to grow up…and then to become childlike once again. For it is only when we gain the self respect and realization that we are as worthy as all our neighbors..of love, respect and consideration, that we grow up. It is when we are mature in this, that we long for and need the transparency, the vulnerability to behave as children. Open, honest, unencumbered with grief, sadness, expectations. We are star stuff, as the late Dr Carl Sagan often said.
We are also children. Forever we will have that wee small person inside us that longs to be loved and accepted. That longs to play, and give and love back.
Oh the clutter of the world that smothered the childlike spark.
Fight for what used to be called your ‘inner child’. The child is precious, one of a kind and never to be seen again on this earth. You have talents and perspective, creativity and fun to offer in a way different from all others.
Don’t allow anyone or anything to to mistreat or take advantage of your goodness, your time, your heart. It is truly unacceptable, so don’t accept it!
Find your serenity. Find your acceptance–self acceptance of that precious child who is you.
Christine Renewed 