Ring Trigger

So I was doing the repetitive task of painting the living room wall today (yes, I am still working on my house) and a trigger came flooding in on me. I remembered my UH saying that he never wore his wedding ring when he was with his mistress. I also remember him commenting in loving (pride?) amazement when we were intimate in years past how dark his hands were next to my white skin.

Well that was a real set up for ‘fill in the puzzle pieces’ trigger land. The theater screen of my mind saw him manhandling her, his ring running across her flesh, his hands also much darker than her skin. Yuck! I could just imagine him thinking at the time what a stud he was that he had that ring on (so one woman at home tending the fires) and was screwing another who praised him, performed for him, made him feel like a king. Double yuck!

So I thought I would give it another try–share my trigger with him. At lunch when he was in the back yard finishing up his meal, I took mine outside too, sat down near him and finished eating as well. I reticently and gingerly shared my trigger.

In the past any mention of the affair or its costs to me has illicited anger and shame reaction. We have talked ad nauseum about how unhelpful and unfair it is for him to throw me under the bus because he feels ashamed for his actions.

Well he listened. He did not yell. All he said was “Okay”.

When I told him that his original story of never wearing his ring while with her just did not ring true (pun intended)–he agreed. He said he probably did not take his ring off because he would be afraid of losing it. He said he told me he took it off each time so as not to hurt me! (Un friggin believable. As if not wearing his wedding ring while having sex with another woman would be in any way less painful?)

Anyways, I told him that nearly every betrayed woman on any forum I’ve read felt the same–she never wanted to see her UH’s wedding ring again. We betrayed know where that ring has been—running all over another woman’s body. And as for losing the ring–why would he care? His choices made the symbol of our vows meaningless. The ring was and is now only costume jewelry. Needless to say I do not wear my rings and asked him to sell his.

Costume – he wore his wedding ring as a costume of a faithful husband. Since he was not a faithful husband it was stolen valor from every other man who has earned the right to wear such a precious gold band. To wear it was a lie–a fake–a charlatan. Why would he care if he lost it? He could just lie and say he lost it while at his business meeting out of town ( the worst and most believable lie is one that contains an element of truth.)

So he said he did not want to lose it because it meant something to him. Really? The ring I gave him had meaning when he threw me away for another? That precious symbol of love and fidelity had meaning to him?

The only meaning I can see it as having is as costume pretend. So he could look like something he was not–faithful hubby. Maintain his image at any cost. SO he could continue receiving all the benefits of being married without any of the messy commitment on his end.

Of course he lied to himself about it all and told himself the ring had meaning because I gave it to him once upon a time ‘when I loved him’. What a mess of a human being he was. He had no idea what love is. He saw love as a feeling and not a choice to remain faithful and work on your relationship. If things were not as he wanted them, he bailed. Not enough sex? Find it elsewhere. Don’t treat me better and work on our relationship–just bail out. And then blame me.

So cliche. So sick. So sad.

So I asked him if he felt at all bad that I had this trigger. He said “Of course I do.”

“Well why don’t you voice your regret then?”

“I’m doing it now!” he snipped.

So instead of leaning in and expressing genuine remorse without me having to ask him to express remorse, sadness for devastating me and our vows and empathize with my sadness, he says “Okay.” And then I have to practically beg him to express any regret.

This is my present reality.

This is why I am detached as best I can from him. It is just too painful to be close either physically or emotionally to him. He is so disappointing–so detached from me and from himself. It is so damn sad.