I’ve been living in limbo for three and a half years. Not knowing if my UH would or will do the work to understand himself, share that understanding with me so that I can feel safer that he will make better decisions in the future AND prove that he understands the depth of the consequences of his choices on me and the family. (Boy, that was a mouthful and an even bigger emotional mountain to climb)

He has moved at snails pace in becoming less defensive, at least outwardly. He no longer throws things, breaks dishes, red face yells. I set a boundary that I could not live under the same roof if he did not become someone with whom I could communicate safely.

That said, and in full acknowledgment that it is a good thing—he still has not chosen to share his progress (or lack thereof) with me. He does not express understanding of himself or of the effect his choices have had on me. He does not demonstrate remorse or empathy. He has not made amends nor does it seem to bother him as it does me. He knows how I feel, yet he still does not approach me.

Consequently, I am still in a state of unsafe limbo.

I have been told over and over and over how important it is to any hope of reconciliation for the above to occur. Not once, but over a protracted period of time. It does and will take a loooonnnggg time of truth and consistency on his part for me to feel safe enough to even consider allowing him to become an important relationship in my life. It truly would be a new relationship.

I was, once again, feeling overwhelmed with sadness and anxiety with waiting. I was circling the drain, being triggered and feeling hopeless.

Then I went to my weekly Al-anon meeting this morning and got a verbal inoculation–a booster shot through the sharing of fellow members–that reminded me of the importance of allowing God to do his work. Each of us has a life to live, a path to walk and a higher power to help us along that path. My UH has his—I have mine. I can not and should not force a solution.

UH will grow in his own time. I can not force him any more than I can force a flower to bloom one second before it is ready. Nor should I try to play God. Tug the tulip–it won’t grow any faster.

That said, there may come a time when the pain and anxiety of waiting for him to ‘get it’, to grow up and have a change of heart to become a man of integrity and responsibility will become too much. Waiting for him to be the man capable of being married–the one I thought I married, but did not—a reliable, mature spouse.

It is not respectful to force a solution. It is poking my nose into someone else’s life, even if their life is directly effecting mine. My only responsibility is to myself, my reactions, my emotions, my boundaries. I can and will protect myself. I will not force anyone else to grow before they grow.

Damn this is a hard lesson. One to be reminded of over and over and over.

Thank you Al-anon.