Month: March 2020

How Do I Get Rid Of Negative Thoughts?

In my experience, negative feelings are something that must be acknowledged, felt and let pass. All emotions ar by nature, temporary.

That said, one of life’s biggest challenges and battlefields is in our minds. Only we can choose our thoughts. With (much) practice, I have found it possible to steer my thought life to gratitude for all that is good in my life. With gratitude, I have found that the good thoughts reproduce and the negative are quelled. It is not a perfect solution. Nothing is.

It is, however, a choice. It is the one thing we CAN control.

As the grief process progresses and the anger/saddness burns white hot and cools, I can choose my focus. Increase the thoughts of people, places and things I find good and beautiful. Be so very kind and patient with my process. Encourage beauty and gratitude through self guided meditation/quiet time.

I have found that the longer I live, the more losses I acrue.,,and the more gifts I receive. The natural phenomena can be a ‘glass half full/ glass half empty” choice. If I am lucky to have this long life, I will stumble and fall, be let down by others, lose some and gain some. There are always loving good people to meet. There will always be beauty and goodness in this world that also has brokenness and evil. It is my choice to seek and dwell in the good and positive.

No one can steal that choice from you.

Letter to Infidelity Accomplice

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Written by a betrayed wife on a recovery board:

“I’m writing this letter to you from a time of deep personal pain and anger. If I were just angry, that would be much simpler for me to walk thru. I want to assure you that I know the whole truth. I have known the truth for many months. In his brokenness and need to hurt me, he came clean with all of it. I know where you met, the details of your sexual interactions, secret dinners and hotels and the fact that you considered yourself to be in a “relationship” with my husband. “Boyfriend”, “Fun and frivolity”? Not for the woman and the family you have damaged.

I realize you didn’t act alone and I don’t blame you for ALL of what has happened but you certainly played the part of damsel in distress, lonely after your breakup, quite well. I am sure that you don’t feel you owe me anything since you never made promises to me at an altar. And because God has reminded me of my own sin, I find it difficult to hate you as much as I would like to. 

I wonder if you feel a sense of pride and accomplishment for what you have done? Although in your brokenness you may feel that way, I caution that you shouldn’t be proud but ashamed. You see this man I love has never done anything like this in his life. Perhaps you feel “special” when you shouldn’t. 

You identified an opportunity to infringe yourself into my marriage. You knew exactly what you were doing. As a “friend” what you could have done is put distance between yourself and him and told him that you would pray for him. Instead, you weaseled your way into his space by accepting his invitations to dinner and learned what he felt was lacking in his life and his ego and did all that you could to ensure that you became what you believed would solve his problems. 

How do I know you are broken? What other reason would there be for you to risk hurting everyone you love? I can imagine your daughter hated what you did when you had an affair with a married man with children she’d played with. Why risk alienating her and providing her such an example? Because it didn’t matter. All that mattered is that you got what you wanted. 

I am sure you are confused about how long it has taken for this confrontation. You see, God told me to focus on my marriage first. That my marriage to my incredible husband was to be (and is) my priority. 

I know all of what you have done. The fact that you considered this a “relationship” is truly ridiculous. You inserted yourself to meet a need that only God can fill. A self centered need for validation.

Have I been furious with you? Absolutely. But I also know that broken people like you do not consider the pain they cause others. Broken people have one objective, to do whatever it takes to feel whole. Deceiving the people you love causes so much pain and heartache. It wounds you too although your self deception won’t allow you to understand that when you are in the midst of the lie. 

You are broken and from all that I have read and now know about you, you have been broken for many years. Your heart was laid out and damaged and instead of choosing a path to healing, you continue the same patterns of self and other destruction. 

My main reasons for contacting you are, I want you to know that I know everything that happened. There is no need to continue to lie to me through your silence. I want you to see my face and remember my pain. That I am a human being with a family that I will protect at any cost. To remember my family that you could have, but didn’t destroy by your selfishness and your clear lack of self respect. We could have been friends, supporting each other in our motherhood challenges.

If you ever think of doing this again, you remember what I have said. Let this truth ring in your ears until you can’t stand hearing the sound. And perhaps you may spare another family the pain you have caused me. I want you to know that I have and will continue to pray for you. I pray you get the help you so desperately need for healing. 

And please, whatever you do, don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. We have washed our hands of you. But make no mistake, should you ever disrespect me or my marriage in any way, I will make sure that everyone you have ever loved knows your past actions. You see the most dangerous type of person is one with nothing to lose. I’ve done nothing wrong here and that frees me to handle this in any way I need to.

Remember what I’ve said. Carry it with you as you grieve for the loss of him. After all, he always has been and remains to be a wonderful man. I bet his absence hurts, I remember how that felt too.

I wish you healing and a changed heart. I pray that you will allow God/ a good therapist to heal the wounds you have carried for so long. And I let go of any resentments I have had against you. After all, forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the offender. 

I will end this with the Bible verse that has continued to carry me through this nightmare. Every word of this is true.

Genesis 50:20
“You planned evil against me, but God planned it for good, to save many lives.”

I hope you seek repentance and that God moves in your life and in your heart. May you stop hurting others and do the work to heal.”

Myth of “The Grass is Greener”

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Investment in your relationship is like the “grass is greener” myth– NOT greener elsewhere

“When I use only the sprinkler system, it quickly becomes obvious where the sprinkler system is not watering. The grass which is not adequately watered quickly turns brown and dies. I become dissatisfied with the dry patches in my lawn, but I know they are only dry for lack of my attention and effort. The grass is simply greener where I’ve watered it.


The lesson my lawn teaches me every summer can be applied to relationships as well. Nowhere in our relationships does this little rule of nature seem to be more true than in marriages impacted by infidelity. Individuals involved in affairs frequently complain of their miserable lives, but close observation generally reveals a severe case of under-involvement. It is true, they are miserable; but their misery isn’t generally the result of working overly hard on the relationship. They may be putting effort into their children, but when it comes to their romantic relationships, they invest far more energy into their affair partner than they ever put into their marriage. They write cards to the affair partner, spend hours on the phone, and plan surprises for him or her. In addition to that, they spend hours dreaming of the next time they get to see their lover. In fact, it’s not unusual for them to spend up to 70% of their thought life focused on some aspect of their secret relationship. Given that sort of time investment, is it any surprise that they fail to feel any connection in their marriages? There tends to be little strength, interest, or time left to devote to the marriage. Considering their behavior, no wonder the grass doesn’t seem very green.


In the end, it’s not that the grass is truly greener elsewhere, it’s just greener where it’s watered. If you find that you’re dissatisfied with your marriage, you may be tempted to look for greener pastures. You may even think you’ve found them, if all your efforts and attention are aimed at your affair partner. But you’ll also find that your marriage will be greener if you make the same type of investment in your marriage. Think about it.”

– Rick Reynolds LCSW, AfairRecovery.com

The Power of Maintaining Dignity

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>> An old man meets a young man who asks:

>> >> “Do you remember me?”

>> >> And the old man says no. Then the young man tells him he was his student, And the teacher asks:>> >> “What do you do, what do you do in life?”

>> >> The young man answers:>> >> “Well, I became a teacher.”

>> >> “ah, how good, like me?” Asks the old man.

>> >> “Well, yes. In fact, I became a teacher because you inspired me to be like you.”

>> >> The old man, curious, asks the young man at what time he decided to become a teacher.

And the young man tells him the following story:>> >> “One day, a friend of mine, also a student, came in with a nice new watch, and I decided I wanted it and I stole it, I took it out of his pocket.>>

>> Shortly after, my friend noticed the loss and immediately complained to our teacher, who was you. Then you went to the class:>> >> ‘This student’s watch was stolen during classes today. Whoever stole it, please return it.’

>> >> I didn’t give it back because I didn’t want to. Then you closed the door and told us all to get up and you were going to search our pockets one by one until the watch was found. But you told us to close our eyes, because you would only look for his watch if we all had our eyes closed.

>> >> So we did, and you went from pocket to pocket, and when you went through my pocket, you found the watch and took it. You kept searching everyone’s pockets, and when you were done you said>> >> ‘Open your eyes. We have the watch.’

>> >> You didn’t tell me and you never mentioned the episode. You never said who stole the watch either.

That day you saved my dignity forever.

It was the most shameful day of my life.>> >> But this is also the day my dignity was saved and I decided not to become a thief, a bad person, etc. You never said anything, nor even scold me or took me aside to give me a moral lesson, I received your message clearly.

>> >> And thanks to you, I understood what a real educator needs to do.

Do you remember this episode, professor?

>> >> And the professor answers:>> >> ‘I remember the situation, the stolen watch, which I was looking for in everyone’s pocket, but I didn’t remember you, because I also closed my eyes while looking.’

>> >> This is the essence of teaching:>> >> If to correct you must humiliate; you don’t know how to teach. “

When the Day is Dark

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Sitting on my daughter’s couch in North Carolina. It’s grey and raining. The water gurgles in the gutters and the corona virus news hums in the background. It is easy to let my spirits fall and darken like the weather and the news.

But yesterday I strolled my nineteen month old granddaughter to the park around the corner and down the block. The sun was out. The tight buds on the trees swelled in preparation for their springtime show. The smell of burning wood laced the breeze. My baby granddaughter peered up at me from her stroller, cheeks full of youth and sun. And even though my UH is still present in my life, the situation just couldn’t be ruined by the ever present pain. Even though he has yet to make amends, I have a life full of blessings.

Yes, I entered the ‘at risk’ age bracket a few months ago. My penchant for asthma, especially when sick, will not go away. My daughter’s family is sick with colds, so I fully expect I will catch it. Yet that one day—this one day is held in mind as precious.

None of us is guaranteed tomorrow. None of us can foresee our futures.

SO why not be present? Present in each and every moment. Even this one. The one where I am alone on the couch, looking out on a wet dreary day. I have the gift of my humanity. The gift to choose my outlook.

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” 
― Viktor E. Frankl

My parent’s generation were called upon to defend the world from tyranny. They went to war and fought the essence of human evil.

We are being asked to stay on our couch. Isolate from our fellows to stop a viral evil from taking even one more life than we can prevent.

We can do this, people.

And we do not have to be overtaken by dread. We can do the best we can, love each other, following medical advise, pray and stay in each precious moment. Each and every blessed moment we are given in this life.

We are together in our humanity. You on your couch, I on mine.

Process Addiction – Craving Fantasy, Craving Connection

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A twelve step mentor leader very well known in the community and internationally explains it like this:

Having an affair/porn/gambling/overeating problem that causes problems in your life, whether you call it an addiction or not makes no difference is what is called in the 12 step recovery rooms a ‘process addiction’. The person engaging in this hyper dopamine producing activity is under the influence of the PROCESS, not a substance. It is every bit as powerful as the addict’s compulsion to use the drug. It is like the addict anticipating the high that drives him to search out and partake in the drug. He can feel the release of pain and responsibility even when dialing the dealers phone number. Anticipation

In this case it is the very process of setting up the next tryst. The thinking about, the planning, the fantasizing about, the anticipation–that releases the dopamine. It can be somewhat like anticipating a delicious slab of double fudge cake. Makes your mouth water just thinking about it. Drives you to the kitchen in the middle of the night. Fills your mind with fantasy of the next bite, even in the middle of a work meeting. It is the process of anticipation and set up–the build up leading to the meeting that feeds the high long term. The actual meet up can be a let down, just as the cake can taste not as good as you’d imagined. Or the cake can be good and you can’t wait until you can have another piece, so the cycle starts again–anticipation, planning, fantasy build up. Surely it will be great next time.

A process addiction can be much more time and emotion consuming than the high of a drug. Booze or cocaine wears off. The high of anticipation of an event can be just as consuming if not more so.

We humans are built to dream and anticipate We wait all year to go on vacation. We save, plan, dream about, think about what the vacation will be like. Sometimes so much that the actual experience can not possibly live up to what we’ve made it in our mind. Yet we keep going on vacation each year thinking the next vacation will be as good or better. There is a whole ritual surrounding the event. A process.

When a person craves attention, validation, and the kind mirroring of another (broken) person who will tell them anything just to get their fix too. You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours with praise and talk of ‘love’. Two people praising each other, feeding that insatiable need for being admired and told your poop doesn’t stink. That hole in the soul –that unfillable hole that needs validation is fed, even if it is fed with lies, exaggerations, over the top espousing of perfection. Even if it is all a fantasy–like an actor telling his movie wife he adores her in front of the camera. The need is so great, the unfaithful wants and needs to believe it so badly, they keep going back for more.

Healthier individuals self validate, or work to earn respect and praise–well deserved. They wouldn’t want to settle for an actor, a player giving them a line. Well we are not talking about healthy individuals. We are talking about folks who are caught up in a circuitous process of craving adoration. False or not, there is the craving.

Why can’t a spouse meet that need and fill it? The broken may think their spouse has to say nice stuff. It’s in the contract, so to speak. Or the faithful spouse does not shell out enough flattery as they are busy running real life. Any praise they give is REAL and earned through loving actions. It is not enough for the praise bottomless pit. It goes in and falls to the unquenchable bottom. Not enough.

As many others have said, it is hard for those who do not have this bottomless hole to understand. Consider yourself lucky you do not. What an awful place to be. Craving without anything but momentary satisfaction. Fun but no real joy. Fluff that leaves you wanting more. A steady diet of cotton candy leaves you unsatisfied too–best go back to the meat and potatoes of the spouse and real life to regain your strength before the craving for cotton candy begins again–now that you are fed at home with a healthy diet.

The process begins again.

A Whole Lot of Education, Not Much Transformation

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I am four years out from my husband blindsiding me with the revelation of his 27 year long affair …and he is still not empathetic, verbally remorseful, validating etc. If it takes half the length of the affair for him to get it, as some have suggested,…OMG. He still stews in his shame making it all about him and how bad HE feels.

He takes smaller than baby steps toward health even though he goes to multiple 12 step meetings, DBT therapy and group, has done multiple workshops etc. HE is willing to put himself onto the path of healing, but still not walking it.

He has a whole lot of education, not a lot of transformation.

He’s not often explosive as he was early on, still has trouble controlling his reactions to seemingly minor annoyances. He is working on it and has not given up on himself. Although we have in house separation as emotional safety boundary FOR ME, and because we are not in financial position to support two households (I’m not willing to reduce my standard of living even further than it has already been because of his financial betrayal, until or less I have to), I take it one day at a time (as Alanon and 12 step say) By that I don’t mean I reevaluate whether to stay or go every day. I mean I observe his behavior and pray for him. All while I grow my own life, self care, interests.

So really whether he ‘gets it’ or not, I know I will be ok.

Is it easy? Absolutely not. Does it grow ME? You bet!

Do I respect myself. OH YEAH!

Keep moving forward all.

Too healing.

“Helping” Without Being Asked

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What the moderator was leading us to realize is that those Alanons that have codependent tendencies as many do; we who have suffered the effects of a loved one’s alcoholism or drugging or acting out, have learned to try to control the uncontrollable. In our care and love and fear, many of us have tried to ‘help’ without being asked.

For some it is so compulsive and perseverative, it becomes as big a problem as the addicts. When we try to cover up for or volunteer to do things for the addict that he or she can do for him or herself, we rob them of the learning, the self respect and earned self esteem of doing for themselves. Not only that but we can unintentionally send the message that we don’t think they are capable of doing for themselves.

“Tough Love” was popular back in the day as a form of last resort to discipline unruly or rebellious teens. Its tenants are just as valuable for an addict. They are just as valuable in many situations and for many persons in our lives.

tough love/ˌtəf ˈləv/noun

promotion of a person’s welfare, especially that of an addict, child, or criminal, by enforcing certain constraints on them, or requiring them to take responsibility for their actions.

All of us have the tendency to save or ‘help’ when we see someone we care about floundering. At least at one time or another. It demonstrates a big compassionate heart and love.

Except when it doesn’t.

When it is taken too far. When the ‘helper’ deprives the beloved or friend of the opportunity of growth inherent in figuring out their own solutions, it becomes presumptuous and disrespectful, even harmful to the addict’s personhood.

I look at myself and think of the times I have stepped in and done something without being asked because I judged it would be helpful or welcome. And when it wasn’t, sometimes my feelings were hurt, but more importantly I had the opportunity to learn a lesson. I can choose to NOT make it about me and my feelings. Rather I can look to the other–the one I am trying to ‘help’ and attempt to see it from their perspective. If they didn’t or don’t want the help, I’ve crossed their boundary of comfort. If they could have benefitted in the short term from my help, but lost the opportunity to learn their own lesson and grow in experience–I have robbed them. I have done them a disservice, no matter how well intended.

And I need to step back and think before I act.

Perhaps this is hardest when your own child is at risk of suffering a natural consequence of their actions, or of life. I know–it is HARD. None of us want to see someone we care about hurt or suffer.

Sometimes you have to allow them to stumble, even fall. They will get back up and in so doing gain in self respect, knowledge and experience they would not have if you’d stepped in.

This is a weak area in my life. Totally non intentional to deprive or harm another, yet my first impulse is to help.

Stop and think, Christine.

Sometimes it is tough to love.

Painting by Number – The Recovery Process

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When working to recover from trauma, there is a well worn path, travelled by far too many, that can lead out of the valley of death where remaining stuck in victimhood and grief leads. It is a long road frought with many stones and twisted roots. It is far too easy to get tripped up and discouraged.

“You have to trust the process.”

I’ve heard this almost like a mantra from many research based and well respected betrayal recovery sources. It is so hard to do when your heart is shattered into a million fragmented pieces and all you want, all you need, is to escape the horrendous pain. A pain like no other. A pain that leads many to wish they were dead. Death seems the only escape, even though most of us were happy and content before the grenade of betrayal was thrown into the middle of our life. We really do not want to be dead. We just want the pain to stop.

There are necessary elements that have been proven by many that lead to recovery. Just as there are innumerable odd shaped areas on the canvas of a paint by number. When you look up close at them they appear to be like weird islands in a sea of other fellow odd shapes. Or they could be compared to jigsaw puzzle pieces. When observed apart from the others, they are just odd shapes without congruent meaning.

I have found the road to recovery much like trying to make sense out of a million little pieces of process.

“Why do I have to do all this self care work, reading, therapy, workshops, blogging, podcast listening, etc, etc, etc? I’m not the one who caused this chaos.”

The refrain of every victim of crime or injustice rings down through the eons. We who have been struck by a car or raped or embezzled, or cheated on were indeed victims of injustice. We did not court nor do we deserve to be in this position.

But here we are.

Acceptance.

We will never have a better past. That leaves the only realistic choice. To move forward. But how?

Therein lies the wisdom of those who have walked this path before us. Those who have dedicated their lives to helping other heal from the same wounds whose scars remain on their heart. We who have survived, in this case intimate betrayal, are the most powerful sources of empathy, compassion and pathway wisdom. Those who have chosen to make their mess their message and studied the proven processes of healing so as to be a lantern to the pathway forward, are full of supportive hard earned wisdom and care. Those individuals can help us take each individual piece of evidence based wisdom and learn how to fit them into our own life situation.

When I am painting by number, I focus on each weird shaped area. I carefully choose the right size brush as tool. I follow the directions scrawled on the canvas. I check and recheck to be sure I have the correct color to apply to the correct ‘piece’. I carefully apply that color in patience. I work the canvas like a puzzle. Even when I sit back and look at my progress it can appear distorted. I can get discouraged, especially if I look at the whole too often. It can seem overwhelming. Like this weird concoction or colored blobs that will never make sense, let alone create something of beauty.

It has been my experience that if I follow the path—the directions, with patience and persistence. If I suspend judgement. If I am tenacious, careful and committed—I will have a beautiful painted picture eventually. It has happened every time. Even when the painting still looks odd when viewed up close. Even if the colors were not what I would have chosen or expected. When they come together in the chorus of the finished product–they are surprisingly, rewardingly beautiful. Every time.

So too is this path toward healing from betrayal trauma. If I grow impatient, or can not see how this mess will ever come together into a semblance of a new beautiful life, I remind myself of my painting. I remind myself of all the thousands of couples who have walked through the valley of the death of their marriage too infidelity. For no matter if you remain together or split–that pre disclosure marriage is dead. No way to put the genie of innocence back in that bottle.

You wouldn’t want the disfunction of that marriage anyway. It is gone, done, past.

It is up to each of us–unfaithful and betrayed–to commit to the process, work with diligent intention and consummate patience toward that day when we can stand back and look at our new life–and smile. We can make something new, something never seen by us before, something we could not have ever imagined—a good new life. Contentment. Serenity.

Together or apart, we can heal and become whole.