Investment in your relationship is like the “grass is greener” myth– NOT greener elsewhere

“When I use only the sprinkler system, it quickly becomes obvious where the sprinkler system is not watering. The grass which is not adequately watered quickly turns brown and dies. I become dissatisfied with the dry patches in my lawn, but I know they are only dry for lack of my attention and effort. The grass is simply greener where I’ve watered it.

The lesson my lawn teaches me every summer can be applied to relationships as well. Nowhere in our relationships does this little rule of nature seem to be more true than in marriages impacted by infidelity. Individuals involved in affairs frequently complain of their miserable lives, but close observation generally reveals a severe case of under-involvement. It is true, they are miserable; but their misery isn’t generally the result of working overly hard on the relationship. They may be putting effort into their children, but when it comes to their romantic relationships, they invest far more energy into their affair partner than they ever put into their marriage. They write cards to the affair partner, spend hours on the phone, and plan surprises for him or her. In addition to that, they spend hours dreaming of the next time they get to see their lover. In fact, it’s not unusual for them to spend up to 70% of their thought life focused on some aspect of their secret relationship. Given that sort of time investment, is it any surprise that they fail to feel any connection in their marriages? There tends to be little strength, interest, or time left to devote to the marriage. Considering their behavior, no wonder the grass doesn’t seem very green.

In the end, it’s not that the grass is truly greener elsewhere, it’s just greener where it’s watered. If you find that you’re dissatisfied with your marriage, you may be tempted to look for greener pastures. You may even think you’ve found them, if all your efforts and attention are aimed at your affair partner. But you’ll also find that your marriage will be greener if you make the same type of investment in your marriage. Think about it.”

– Rick Reynolds LCSW, AfairRecovery.com