From Despair to Contentment

How many times does reality have to slap me in the face to get it? I have zero control over anyone other than myself. I have zero control over my unfaithful’s choices.

And for the time being, my UH chooses to attend lots of meetings and workshops, but does not choose to follow the well proven path toward healing. In this case, our healing.

Oh yeah, he is maintaining his sobriety. He no longer drinks. He no longer sleeps with other women. But he does not attend to his emotional sobriety. And that leaves our relationship in a deep freeze. There is no way for me to feel safety to reengage with him when he does not talk about his process toward emotional sobriety.

Why doesn’t he talk about it? My experience tells me it is because he is not moving toward emotional sobriety. He remains in his shame. He spends his energy beating himself up over how terrible a person he tells himself he is.

See–the problem with that is it leave no energy left to move toward repairing the damage his choices have caused. It keeps it making this mess still and foremost all about him.

He is stewing in shame soup.

And choosing to remain there.

Why?

Because it is so familiar.

His abusive childhood taught him he is not worthy of love. And he continues to reinforce that message inside himself.

Which has the unfortunate result of making it all about him. And it leaves him in the pain he is so adept at denying and sweeping under the rug.

Oh sure, he knows he got the short end of the stick in childhood. He felt abandoned, rejected and a witness to the abuse of his mother. I have huge empathy for little boy him.

I have no empathy for the man who will not heal that little boy and thus inflicts abandonment and rejection upon those around him–me being number one rejected and abandoned. He will not face the damage his choices have caused.

And that brings me to a place of despair….about any ‘us’. Step one of the 12 steps. I am powerless over __________. In this case, I am powerless over his mental health and healing. He has to choose it.

Where does that leave me?

Sink or swim.

I choose to swim.

I choose to focus on the good things in my life.

And mourn the loss of my husband—to his shame and his choice to remain there.

Is this the life I planned and worked every day of my life to be enjoying in retirement? Absolutely not. Is this the dream–the reward for all my investment in him, my home and family? Nope.

That does not mean it can not still be good.

He has no control over my choice to see the beauty in the world and the many blessing I have. And I have many.

I choose life. I choose to be content in the home I am blessed to occupy. I choose to love my dogs, my garden, my books, my writing, my baking, my portrait painting and my friends (even if they live far away and are in quarantine just like me)

This holiday season they will receive a portrait painted by me– of them. They will have something that reflects the beauty and gratitude I see and feel for them, in tangible form. And I will drive across country with my son to see my daughter and granddaughter. I will have the joy of giving them the many toys I have been saving for thirty years for my yet to be born grandchild(ren)– the toys they enjoyed as children and now my granddaughter can enjoy. I will rest in the contentment that I am blessed to live in a time and place that has brought many good things into my life.

I am not the first, nor sadly will I be the last, to lose my spouse. Some lose their’s to death. Some to physical abandonment. Some to emotional abandonment. Way too many of we betrayed lose our spouse to their sick, selfish choices. He deprived me of my human dignity to agency over my own life choices by manipulation of my reality– for many years.

I choose now.

I choose life. I choose to be content.

And in that contentment, perhaps I will find moments of happiness and joy–if I am open to them and not drowning in grief for what I have lost. I choose.

I guess this is what they call forgiveness. I choose to not rent anymore space in my mind or life to his destructive actions. Forgiveness is a gift I give to myself.

Choose to turn toward the light of the good, the positive, the blessings. Choose life.

Unpredictable Circumstances

If this time of quarantine has taught me anything, it is the truth of step one of the twelve steps.

Powerlessness.

We are all powerless over the reality of Covid 19. It is here. It permeates our society. It is invisible and virulent.

It also reminds us that we have the ability to choose to do our best to protect ourselves from infection. We have the power of choice. And when we follow the prescribed methods of keeping ourselves safe, we can choose to relax in the knowledge that we have done everything we can.

So yes, we are powerless over what comes into our lives, but we are not powerless as to our response.

In the case of betrayal, this would include taking good care of ourselves, setting boundaries to allow ourselves to be safe and then relax in the knowledge that ‘this too shall pass.’

What?? I hear you thinking. “I will NEVER forget the pain of this betrayal.”

Those who have lost loved ones to the virus will also never forget. Their hearts and lives are forever altered by something over which they had no control or choice. They too need to care for themselves, be gentle and kind and patient, as their deep wound begins to heal. The scar will always remain. Yet with self care, the work of processing through their new reality and eventually reaching acceptance, they can become a more compassionate stronger version of the person they were before this catastrophe tore a path of destruction through their lives.

Recovery from intimate betrayal takes time. So much time. Even in the best of circumstances–it takes time. Most of us do not have the ‘best of circumstances’. Many of us have a perpetrating partner that is still sick–still learning to heal the wounds that contributed to their devastating choice to betray. Few of them are in the position to provide the compassion and empathy we, the betrayed, so dearly need.

So, not unlike the ravages of a virus, or a terrible accident, storm, financial collapse—we are left to gather and nurture our resources of health and healing. We are left to reach out for help whether that be the strength of a dear friend, a support group, the rich educational resources of the internet and library–we CAN choose to heal.

And be so compassionately, tenderly patient.

We have suffered perhaps the most egregious emotional wound a person can suffer. Perhaps this wound has been inflicted over years and years of betrayal. Perhaps it was the result of a one night stand. Never the less, it has shattered our trust, our reality, the world we counted on to support and love us. The world where we thought our partner had or backs, protected and cherished us. The world we relied upon as having a healthy intact and reliable primary relationship. We have suffered the most devastating attachment wound from the one person we relied upon to be there for us and act in our best interest.

Be gentle, dear betrayed.

Be the most gentle with yourself.

You are the person you can count on to be there for you. You are the only person who has the ultimate control over your response to what life dishes out. My life gets better when I take responsibility for just me. Today I will mind my own business and keep my focus where it belongs–over the only person with whom I DO have control— me.

Let time take its time. Let go and Let my higher power/my higher self…. heal. Sweet healing.

Misplaced Significance

The definition of significant rings familiar. However, in the study of statistics ‘Significant’ has a color of meaning that I find.. well, significant.

significant

adjective

Important; of consequence. Having or expressing a meaning.

Statistics – of or relating to observations that are unlikely to occur by chance and that therefore indicate a systematic cause.

The significance of the choice to have an affair can not be understated. Until and unless the unfaithful recognizes what led them to make those choices, they are at risk of a repeat performance. Humans must dig deep to understand themselves. Self reflection is vital to self management and self control.

When a person’s thinking blossoms into stories they tell themselves that are not cross checked with reality; when a person assumes, he or she crosses into the land of minimization, justification, villianization of others and generally what 12 step programs refer to as “stink’in think’in”. The unfaithful often have placed significance into their own thought processes without benefit of adjusting their lens to reflect 20/20 reality. In short, they fool themselves–self delusion.

“unlikely to occur by chance and that therefore indicate a systematic cause.”

Their choices did not occur ‘by chance’. They have a systematic cause that must be unearthed to recognize it, clarify and adjust it to defend against its repetition.

What can we say about significance when it relates to the thinking and actions of the betrayed? So many of us are blindsided by our partner’s betrayal. Rightly so. Not many people expect the most beloved and presumably trustworthy person in their life to destroy the contract, the agreement to support, honor and cherish.

What I am about to say may tweak you the wrong way, make you mad or, at first blush– just seem w-r-o-n-g.

I found my identity in the wrong things.

WHAT???

I hear you thinking: “Is it wrong to be committed to my spouse, family, home and career?

Whoa. I did not say anything about commitment. I said ‘identity’. My significance.

identity

the sense of self, providing sameness and continuity in personality over time and sometimes disturbed in mental illnesses.

Many of us have such a huge commitment to our spouse, family and home that it becomes our identity. We feel a-fronted should someone criticize how we are parenting or judge our housekeeping or our marital relationship. We take on an inordinate share of our worthiness and place it outside our healthy circle of control. At the end of the day we have zero control over other person’s choices–even our children and spouse. Truth be told, we have little control over anything or anyone other than ourself.

For those of us who find our sense of worth in the success of our marriage, our children, our career, the state of our house—we are bound to be disappointed. We may, in fact, live in a nearly chronic state of low level disappointment.

There is no such thing as perfection. No such thing as reliable control (and therefore responsibility) for other person’s behaviors. It is not realistic to think that we do. “Mental illness?”, though? Perhaps if taken too extreme. We risk slipping into codependence at best.

Out of love we misplace our value, our identity, sometimes our very significance on the perceived health of our spouse, children, home, and/or career. We put the golden eggs of our self esteem and value in other people, places and things. We exert unenforceable rules and demands, whether stated or imagined, onto imperfect, limited person’s and things. We set ourselves up for disappointment.

When we judge our day, our week or our life on how well others outside our circle of control are behaving, and place the value of our happiness upon them, we will eventually, inevitably be disappointed, ney, devastated should they betray us.

I misplaced so very much of my identity, my value, my worth on how well I was doing in my primary relationships; how successful those relationship were in the lens of my upbringing and cultural influences. Did my life measure up to what I deserved because I gave so much and tried so hard to be a great mom, wife and employee? Surely everyone else who professed to love me– owed me the same. They would act in love toward me, support me, value me and feed into my identity of good mom, wife and employee.

Nuts.

It just doesn’t work that way. What any given person invests in is seldom returned in full. Even when there are occasions of happiness, of support and investment of love toward us, it is imperfect and limited–as everyone and all situations are. If my identity is as a valued, respected and loved wife, mother and employee, I WILL be bruised and disappointed when not treated as such.

In the case of infidelity, I will be devastated. My perceived value as that great wife, mother, employee is going down the drain when the plug is pulled. When the rug of my expectations is yanked from beneath me the ‘unfairness’ of my expectation of faithfulness and love–shattered, I am in peril of being shot down. I feel devalued if not worthless. All my love and work and giving did not yield what I told myself I deserved, earned. And why didn’t I see it coming? Is there something wrong with me that this atrocity should have been cast upon me? My perfect world is shattered. My expectation of growing old with the spouse I loved always and forever at my side in loving support—obliterated. “Plan A” into which I invested all my golden eggs has proven to be untrustworthy, flawed and… *gasp* uncontrollable.

I am now in the land of destroyed plan A–hoisted into a plan B I neither planned for, expected or deserved. Where do I go from here? The rubble of plan A is all around me and my outlook on life has taken a severe beating. From where do I find my strength, my value?

For those of faith, a higher power is the one reliable answer. From a secular perspective, another safety net must be constructed or drawn upon. If we have put all our worth and identity in our marriage, we are starting from ground zero. For those of us who have spread our identity out to include a broad spectrum of persons, places, accomplishments, our task will have some support so vital to heal. Grief needs to be witnessed. Many of our unfaithful are too deep in shame or ‘the fog’ to help us. If our very identity, our significance has been placed in them, we are up that cliche creek without a paddle.

What we all desire is to be loved. When someone we love lets us down in the most profound way and we do not have a strong relationship with our personal value apart from persons and things, we are bound to flounder. The first step of the 12 step recovery programs reminds us that we are powerless over _______________. Fill in the blank. Whether it be alcohol, overeating, drugs or other people the truth of it rings loud and clear.

God

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change—

The courage to change the things I can (myself, my attitude, my personal circle of control–ME!)

…And the wisdom to know the difference.

Process Addiction – Craving Fantasy, Craving Connection

A twelve step mentor leader very well known in the community and internationally explains it like this:

Having an affair/porn/gambling/overeating problem that causes problems in your life, whether you call it an addiction or not makes no difference is what is called in the 12 step recovery rooms a ‘process addiction’. The person engaging in this hyper dopamine producing activity is under the influence of the PROCESS, not a substance. It is every bit as powerful as the addict’s compulsion to use the drug. It is like the addict anticipating the high that drives him to search out and partake in the drug. He can feel the release of pain and responsibility even when dialing the dealers phone number. Anticipation

In this case it is the very process of setting up the next tryst. The thinking about, the planning, the fantasizing about, the anticipation–that releases the dopamine. It can be somewhat like anticipating a delicious slab of double fudge cake. Makes your mouth water just thinking about it. Drives you to the kitchen in the middle of the night. Fills your mind with fantasy of the next bite, even in the middle of a work meeting. It is the process of anticipation and set up–the build up leading to the meeting that feeds the high long term. The actual meet up can be a let down, just as the cake can taste not as good as you’d imagined. Or the cake can be good and you can’t wait until you can have another piece, so the cycle starts again–anticipation, planning, fantasy build up. Surely it will be great next time.

A process addiction can be much more time and emotion consuming than the high of a drug. Booze or cocaine wears off. The high of anticipation of an event can be just as consuming if not more so.

We humans are built to dream and anticipate We wait all year to go on vacation. We save, plan, dream about, think about what the vacation will be like. Sometimes so much that the actual experience can not possibly live up to what we’ve made it in our mind. Yet we keep going on vacation each year thinking the next vacation will be as good or better. There is a whole ritual surrounding the event. A process.

When a person craves attention, validation, and the kind mirroring of another (broken) person who will tell them anything just to get their fix too. You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours with praise and talk of ‘love’. Two people praising each other, feeding that insatiable need for being admired and told your poop doesn’t stink. That hole in the soul –that unfillable hole that needs validation is fed, even if it is fed with lies, exaggerations, over the top espousing of perfection. Even if it is all a fantasy–like an actor telling his movie wife he adores her in front of the camera. The need is so great, the unfaithful wants and needs to believe it so badly, they keep going back for more.

Healthier individuals self validate, or work to earn respect and praise–well deserved. They wouldn’t want to settle for an actor, a player giving them a line. Well we are not talking about healthy individuals. We are talking about folks who are caught up in a circuitous process of craving adoration. False or not, there is the craving.

Why can’t a spouse meet that need and fill it? The broken may think their spouse has to say nice stuff. It’s in the contract, so to speak. Or the faithful spouse does not shell out enough flattery as they are busy running real life. Any praise they give is REAL and earned through loving actions. It is not enough for the praise bottomless pit. It goes in and falls to the unquenchable bottom. Not enough.

As many others have said, it is hard for those who do not have this bottomless hole to understand. Consider yourself lucky you do not. What an awful place to be. Craving without anything but momentary satisfaction. Fun but no real joy. Fluff that leaves you wanting more. A steady diet of cotton candy leaves you unsatisfied too–best go back to the meat and potatoes of the spouse and real life to regain your strength before the craving for cotton candy begins again–now that you are fed at home with a healthy diet.

The process begins again.

“Helping” Without Being Asked

What the moderator was leading us to realize is that those Alanons that have codependent tendencies as many do; we who have suffered the effects of a loved one’s alcoholism or drugging or acting out, have learned to try to control the uncontrollable. In our care and love and fear, many of us have tried to ‘help’ without being asked.

For some it is so compulsive and perseverative, it becomes as big a problem as the addicts. When we try to cover up for or volunteer to do things for the addict that he or she can do for him or herself, we rob them of the learning, the self respect and earned self esteem of doing for themselves. Not only that but we can unintentionally send the message that we don’t think they are capable of doing for themselves.

“Tough Love” was popular back in the day as a form of last resort to discipline unruly or rebellious teens. Its tenants are just as valuable for an addict. They are just as valuable in many situations and for many persons in our lives.

tough love/ˌtəf ˈləv/noun

promotion of a person’s welfare, especially that of an addict, child, or criminal, by enforcing certain constraints on them, or requiring them to take responsibility for their actions.

All of us have the tendency to save or ‘help’ when we see someone we care about floundering. At least at one time or another. It demonstrates a big compassionate heart and love.

Except when it doesn’t.

When it is taken too far. When the ‘helper’ deprives the beloved or friend of the opportunity of growth inherent in figuring out their own solutions, it becomes presumptuous and disrespectful, even harmful to the addict’s personhood.

I look at myself and think of the times I have stepped in and done something without being asked because I judged it would be helpful or welcome. And when it wasn’t, sometimes my feelings were hurt, but more importantly I had the opportunity to learn a lesson. I can choose to NOT make it about me and my feelings. Rather I can look to the other–the one I am trying to ‘help’ and attempt to see it from their perspective. If they didn’t or don’t want the help, I’ve crossed their boundary of comfort. If they could have benefitted in the short term from my help, but lost the opportunity to learn their own lesson and grow in experience–I have robbed them. I have done them a disservice, no matter how well intended.

And I need to step back and think before I act.

Perhaps this is hardest when your own child is at risk of suffering a natural consequence of their actions, or of life. I know–it is HARD. None of us want to see someone we care about hurt or suffer.

Sometimes you have to allow them to stumble, even fall. They will get back up and in so doing gain in self respect, knowledge and experience they would not have if you’d stepped in.

This is a weak area in my life. Totally non intentional to deprive or harm another, yet my first impulse is to help.

Stop and think, Christine.

Sometimes it is tough to love.

Directed Thinking

The 12 step guru who facilitates our workshop teaches ‘Directed thinking’ form of meditation. It is a way of accomplishing a daily tenth step to keep things from compounding into resentments or bitterness.

When I focus on setting aside all of what I think I know about my past, myself, my spiritual path and my Higher Power in order to have a new experience and learn about myself, my brokenness, my spiritual path and especially my higher power, it puts me in the right frame of mind to learn more about my Higher Power. What does He want for me and my life?

So I take one aspect of what has been giving me difficulty. Example: How can I continue to detach from my spouse without so much pain and discomfort? And then I listen. Not for an audible voice, but for that sort of wee small whisper inside me.

How do I know if whatever I ‘hear’ is my ego or my Higher Power? I don’t know. I am a work in progress on this directed thinking. I image any advise or suggestion I sense would be less likely to be me and my ego if it is actually helpful in moving me forward.

I’ve been doing this for a number of months and have a tough time continuing to be patient waiting for some results. In the meantime, I find it a soothing, quiet time that allows me to gain serenity for that period of time–say ten minutes. It also stays with me…I remain calm for some time into the future.

As science has proven, meditation has all sorts of physiological and mental health benefits, so I really have nothing to lose. I think it might be beneficial to try doing it early in the day, as I have taken to meditation right before bed. Or do it early and late. It is a great way to calm your mind before retiring. I imagine it would help with clarity for the day ahead if done in the morning.

So off I go to ‘show up’ for my meditation practice. I’m only responsible for trying and showing up—not for the results. Guess that is why they call it a ‘practice’, lol.

I invite anyone who has undertaken directed thinking and/or meditation to tell us about your experience…

Spiritual Poverty

“The greatest disease in the West today is not TB or leprosy; it is being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for. We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread but there are many more dying for a little love. The poverty in the West is a different kind of poverty — it is not only a poverty of loneliness but also of spirituality.”

Just as we are wired for attachment, to be part of a community, so too are we in need of sustenance to feed our soul. I believe that is as Mother Theresa has explained it. We crave love.

And if God is love, then so we can connect the dots to a hunger for God. In the case of Mother Theresa, that would be the catholic perspective of God. In the 12 step perspective it would be much more inclusive. The God of their reference is the unknowable, indescribable “Higher Power”. What is it in the universe that seems to transcend all knowing? What is the force that glues us together if not love?

I’m not referencing the gooey romantic love of film and books. That is more a feeling engendered by the object of our enamourment that allows us to bask in the glow of how they make us feel. That and powerful hormones.

I speak of a love, an agape love, a love that chooses others above self. Selfless love.

As limited beings with bodies that require replenishment and the perimeters of time; our ability to express agape love is also limited.

The kind of love I have tried, Lord so hard, to give day in and out. I have tried.

This betrayal has changed me. That woman of Agape love used to be me. Now I have turned that love onto myself. To heal. To make it through a day. All that energy and power of agape love is eaten up in an attempt to breathe and love and struggle toward the light of change and growth…and love.

It is I who now need agape love. I who have been impoverished by betrayal and the loss of the relationship that gave me a soft place to fall—someone to rely on if the world were to explode.

Well it did explode. And it was precisely that person who had his hand on the detonator. He who purchased the explosives. Not the person to turn to after the explosion. Not safe.

I who have had enough reserve to give to others in spiritual poverty my whole life long, am now depleted and bankrupt. I, the only one who can recover—alone. Feed my own soul, body and heart. Scrape whatever strength I can glean from nature, art, music, animals, and time. Slow. So slow. I struggle toward the light.

It’s not simple to say
That most days I don’t recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It’s not easy to know
I’m not anything like I used be, although it’s true
I was never attention’s sweet center
I still remember that girl
She’s imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won’t ask for help
She is messy, but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine
It’s not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person and makes you believe it’s all true
And now I’ve got you
And you’re not what I asked for
If I’m honest, I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew
Who’ll be reckless, just enough
Who’ll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up
When she’s bruised and gets used by a man who can’t love
And then she’ll get stuck
And be scared of the life that’s inside her
Growing stronger each day ’til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little, to bring back the fire in her eyes
That’s been gone, but used to be mine
Used to be mine
She is messy, but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine

12 Step Workshop Celebration

Tonight the ‘elite’ member of our 12 step year long workshop had a dinner at the retreat center where we have met since January 2019. Herb K, out guide, invited we participant to brining along other interested parties as well as a sponsor or accountability partner.

My son came along. As a new OA member he is at least somewhat familiar with the steps. My UH’s SA sponsor was supposed to come, but flaked out. Hmmm…is that a sign? Hope not.

Many of the year long participant shared the transformative power they had experienced over the year. It was both touching and moving to see how these folks had grown in their sense of a power higher than themselves and therefore the ability to manage their own lives better than they had on their own volition.

One man in particular struck me. He’d seemed quite arrogant and self assured that he had the answers earlier in the year. Tonight he was humble, contrite and grateful in his share.

Herb K is an internationally renowned twelve step speaker as well as an expert on increasing one’s emotional sobriety. His website offer many resource, not the least of which are free audio recordings of this twelve step workshop as conducted via conference call.

herbk.com

The Importance of Accountability

Listening to an eye opening podcast. “Steven DeLugach, counselor and C-SAT, talks about the relationship between accountability and healing relationships.” Forty years of dealing with recovery from trauma, addiction and intimacy disorders.

Validating my experience through drawing corollaries between the effects of betrayal trauma and the 12 steps of recovery is powerful. Steven DeLaugach compares the viability of the idea that the first step, where one declares him or herself powerless over “X” also mandates the importance of holding oneself accountable for the damage that powerlessness has had on self and other people.

It is heroic and courageous to show up and be accountable for how your behavior has effected others. Likewise, in the absence of this accountability it is very difficult for the traumatized persons to move on in any meaningful relationship with the offender and/or to move on toward health.

Addicts feel threatened and vulnerable. They often think like victims. They isolate and are defensive/ live in denial. Their family feels confused and lonely. Denial or minimizations of the effects of behavior on the part of the offender slows or limits the ability to heal.

It is the expression of genuine regret for the harm caused THAT allows us to heal and move on. Developing empathy is the primary task. How does your behavior effect others? ISM’s must be moved away from (I myself and me). Group therapy and support is most helpful.

“Until we acknowledge the harm done it is very difficult for relationships to move on.”

Accountability is not Amends, Disclosure, an explanation, pressure to change, reengagement or pressure to forgive. Accountability lies within the first step. The betraying behaviors have also created unmanageability in the lives around me. I have lost control and caused harm to others. Accountability is a process by which I become a moral person.

When partners have been lied to and betrayed, there is a legitimate need to hear the accountability from their betraying partner. Getting sober is easy. Showing up emotionally for those we have hurt takes time and support.

Show up and be emotionally present.

This is a non negotiable boundary for any hope of reconnection. Without it, we betrayed can not and do not feel safe for reengagement. You, the unfaithful, are not safe. You don’t ‘get it’ and you are unwilling to specifically delve into each instance and cost of your behavior. If you are unable or unwilling to to this work, you have no ability to avoid repeat. You are not safe.

Addicted to Food

My UH has multiple addictions, as many addicts do. One of them is to overeating. We sometimes refer to his propensity as the ‘see food’ diet. He sees food and he eats it. There is also a scarcity and well as an entitlement mentality.

Maybe it was his years at military boarding school, maybe competition with his three siblings. That would suggest the scarcity factor. Grab yours now lest someone else eat it. It is not scarcity as in not enough money in his family to feed everyone. There was the presence of enough food.

The entitlement factor is less obvious. But if you know his mindset as a child who felt abandoned and neglected by his family resultant of his time in boarding school, it is not a huge jump to understand how that could lead to his propensity to feel that the world owes him. It’s amazing how some people can look at a situation as opportunity and others look at it as punishment or neglect. It isn’t hard to imagine that an eight year old would feel the latter.

The only one of his three siblings to be sent away from home, my UH felt it as rejection.

Thus, he once again made a choice, whether consciously or subconsciously, to see the world as a cold, rejecting place that owed him better than what he got. This has manifest over as many years as I have known him as entitlement, in this case, when it comes to food. He will drive out of his way if free food is offered. He plans airport stop-overs so he can find the USO during lay overs for, you guessed it–free food.

Veteran’s Day with restaurants offering free thank you meals to vets?? Morning, noon and night attendance. Don’t get me started on buffets and pot lucks. Coffee and snacks offered for volunteers? He’ll take their coffee even if he has coffee in his own mug out in the car. Leftovers at restaurants?? Yup–either eat it there or get the doggie bag for his or anyone else’s remaining food.

You might think he was a child of the depression or severe poverty. No.

Second helpings, even before allowing time to feel full. Eat any portion leftover at home. Taste food while being prepared–check. Portion control? What is that?

And this is from a guy who earned Weight Watcher’s lifetime award by losing all his extra weight and maintain it. Darn, but he was a friggin Weight Watcher leader for a time.

This is a guy who is not morbidly obese. He has been blessed, up until the last few years, with a high metabolism. People would comment or exhibit drop jawed takes at him as he put away amazing amounts.

Ah but the years are adding up and his metabolism is slowing down. He can still eat more than most without morbid results, but he has an extra forty pounds around the middle now. As a heart patient with high cholesterol and a couple of stents –a brother who had triple bypass at 42 and another who just died at 61 or a heart attack, you might think he’d change his ways. Nope. D-E-N-I-A-L

But then we are talking about addiction–and entitlement.

Insanity? Yup.

That said, food addiction is perhaps the most difficult of the substance addictions (sex addiction being the most difficult of the process addictions) because we all have to eat. It is not something you can just swear off. In this sense it is even tougher than sex addiction. One can live a fulfilled life sans sex. Not so with food.

He now attends OA (Overeaters anonymous) with our son. An all male 12 step, they now bond over the subject of their favorite vice—overeating. I applaud the venture, not that my input is asked for or needed. My experience is that neither has yet managed to put portion control–the tool of most successful weight management programs, into practice. But hey–I’m not here to take their inventory or to meddle in their program.

“I didn’t cause it. I can’t control it and I can not cure it.” – The mantra of every successfully serene person associated with an addict.

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