When Silence Feels Safer

Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

I have lived many months suffering the effects of my Unfaithful’s silence. He has built a stonewall between us to protect himself from feeling the shame and guilt of his betrayals. “This is sadly normal”, I am told again and again by those who make their profession in helping marriages recover from the atrocity of infidelity.

I reached the end of my rope in June. I told my unfaithful that I could not go on living under the same roof with him if he were not to talk to me daily. I need to hear that he is processing. That he is working on recognizing his thinking patterns that led him to betray me, his family and everything he professes to love. “Without this,” I said, “I have no way to rebuild safety. I have no way of knowing if you are unraveling the stories you have told yourself all these years, that have enabled your justification.”

I need this.

There is no moving forward in relationship without.

Beginning the day after communicating this to him, he has daily filled out the tool recommended in “Worthy of Her Trust” by Jason Martinkus and Stephen Arterburn. This tool is wonderful, but any tool requires investment and practice to make profitable to the cause in which it was created.

And my UH stumbled. In spite of all the work we have done in the Retrovaille program with emotions, and his individual counseling, he has trouble stating feelings. He still tends to lean on creating newspaper headlines with no story to follow. He makes statements.

That said, he has kept at it. He is moving ever closer to demonstrating actual feelings. The hard shell of his defenses has some cracks. His voice cracks every now and again as he reads his own words. He still has an easier time empathizing with sad news stories or television commercials, but he is trying.

Why has it taken four years four months for him to do this, even though I have clearly stated it as a need? Fear. He is afraid of facing these feelings–mine and his. He is afraid of plunging into the depths of grief. Actually not an unreasonable fear, yet it has been so overblown in his mind as to become paralyzing.

And paralysis does no one any good.

I think he may actually be seeing this. Through his working the program(s), he is seeing that he does not perish with the acknowledgement of costs and pain. He has slid back down the slippery slope into making it about him and his shame a couple times. But he recognizes it now and is willing to come back and try again.

What caused this change, you ask? I believe it was my willingness to move on alone. And he knew it. I was dead serious.

How sad that it took coming to walking out on a forty three year relationship for him to realize what he was about to lose. Too many addicts have to reach their bottom. Some even go further into the pit than my UH has. They end up in the streets, penniless, sick and broken.

I am still reticent to trust. Reticent to believe this is permanent change toward willingness to communicate. It simply has not been long enough for me to feel safe.

We are beginning a class through Bloom for Women and Path for Men “Rebuilding Trust, Rebuilding Your Relationship”. Online, 12 weeks. So many other attempts have been made at therapy, workshops, groups, classes. So many failures as he was so limited in his investment. Doing the bare minimum is not the stuff of relational healing. Even when both partners are all in, this path is difficult with no guartenees of success for the relationship.

I will heal. I am well on my way to personal healing. Most of my days are good. My self care is top notch. I revel in the joy of my home, garden, dogs, reading, learning, painting, baking. I am me again. More me than I have been in many years of struggling in a relationship without full investment from my ‘partner’. I have struggled too long. I am tired. I will struggle no longer. I want to be me. I like me.

I choose to enjoy my life regardless of how this class or our relationship turns out. I hope we can be friends. I hope we can grow close. I hope he turns over a new leaf of proactiveness, responsibility and reliability. I am not holding my breath or counting on it. Not anymore.

I will be okay on my own. I am okay on my own. *Pat myself on the back* Well done Christine.

“Fools, ” said I, “You do not know
Silence, like a cancer, grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you”
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells, of silence

Silence kills authentic intimacy. When silence feels safer, intimacy dies. Authentic relationship dies.

There has been too much silence.

Make Way for Healing

My friend recently had a terrible burn accident while cooking bacon. A stumble, and the hot grease splashed across the palm and side of her hand. As an EMT, she knew she must douse the injury in cold water and clean it. Not just clean, but rid the area of the skin that was peeled away. The pain was exquisite. A trip to emergency room quickly followed.

“Give me two minutes,” the ER doctor pleaded. “You did a good job and the right thing in cleaning your burn, but I have to get the rest of the dead skin and debris so you won’t get infected.”

My friend knew he was right.

“You’ve been through childbirth?” He smiled wryly.

He was understating the pain of the next two minutes. It seemed more like two years.

What is the metaphor here?

Healing from the worst trauma a person may ever experience–the betrayal of the one person they relied upon to protect them, is painful. It is no more welcome than have a burn deep cleansed after a horrible accident. Neither the betrayed, nor the unfaithful likely had any notion of the severity of this deep attachment wound.

And even when educated as to the required framework and path to healing, the actual experience of dredging up all the ugly details, metabolizing the long ranging effects on self, relationship and family and then talking it through ad nauseam..for months–dealing with the neurologically based trauma responses, the sleep disturbances–all of it, is nothing short of painful. Sometimes very painful. Probably the worst emotional pain most will ever experience.

And VITAL.

To heal you must make way for the new to grow. Tender, sensitive, unfamiliar new ‘skin’ will take the place of the damaged. The old marriage is dead, just as sure as those layers of injured skin. In an instant, your world has changed. Without warning, plunged into deep unrelenting pain. And then to realize that you must attend to the wound through a process that will cause more pain? So unfair. So unwanted, never imagined, nor courted.

Yet here you are. Plunged into what has sometime been referred to as hell on earth. “I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy.”

The unfaithful are likely gobsmacked by the intensity of their betrayed spouse’s pain. Gobsmacked by the depth of their own shame and guilt. Gobsmacked.

Now, no choice.

If you want to heal. If you want your new life to be strong, it is going to take Herculean courage and tenacity. If you want your marriage to be reborn into a stronger new life, it is going to be painful. Like childbirth, like the scraping of a wound to remove the offending old and dangerous.

You can heal. Whether or not you build a new marriage or part ways. Both of you can heal as individuals. If you want the marriage to rise like a Phoenix from the ashes, you will have to BOTH come together for what will be a long period of hard discussions. The unfaithful MUST learn to hold the pain of their betrayed without defensiveness or anger. They MUST learn to validate their wounded partner’s pain, to feel it, to empathize with it, and to repair it by becoming a changed, honest, person of integrity. Without these features, there will not be relational healing. Their will be pretend. Their will be limping along—ugly scars and more pain.

The betrayed MUST learn to open to the unfaithful and gain understanding, compassion for their unhealthy path. What led to infidelity is a lack of skills to be intimate. Infidelity is an intimacy disorder. Even though sworn to share and trust and protect–to be intimate with on the deepest levels. No secrets. Trust. “We”. “Us”. Two heads better than one–team. The unfaithful choose what seemed a path of needs met without the messy conflict of true intimacy. Unhealthy coping skills.

The betrayed MUST be open to seeing, to feeling what it must be like to be so wounded, so lacking in intimacy skills, so unhealthy that everything loved in life is put at risk. —Not easy.

Painful.

Over and over and over again, both partners, if they want a chance to heal, must make room for entering and feeling the world of their partner. Acknowledge. Empathize.

Like my friend’s hand, the wound will have to be tended. For a long time. There will be pain. But the pain can be reduced. How? Empathy. The gauze bandages wound round about my friend’s hand were cumbersome, unfamiliar, burdensome, time-consuming, and a constant reminder of the hot grease.

Slowly. Ever so slowly. Never fast enough. Her body, her self care, the support and care of her husband and family have brought her through. Even when those bandages came off, that new tender pink skin was sensitive. The least brush or bump sent shock waves. Triggered her pain receptors. Slow. Slowly over time, acknowledgement and care, her wound has healed. Her hand is returned to full function. Because she followed the prescriptive path of healing, her skin is smoother than that of her other hand. Stronger. Even better.

Could she have healed alone? Yes. As a strong, tenacious woman who was willing to take good care of herself, she would have healed. Did the love, support and empathy of her family help? Of course. Is she closer, more intimate with her spouse because of his empathy toward her and his supporting patient love? You bet.

The Unfaithful MUST learn–choose to move past their shame and guilt and turn toward tending the pain of their wounded betrayed if they want to heal the relationship. MUST. Imperative to relational healing. Both partners have a long path toward healing of self. Like a tree legged stool, self, partner and relationship–without each leg becoming strong, the stool will collapse. There will not be relational healing.

Make way for healing. Do the painful work of scraping away the unhealthy and damaged. Be patient. Healing takes enormous energy, care and time. However, these ingredients in place, healing will occur. There will be a stronger, wiser, more resilient ‘you’ down the road. If BOTH partners do their work and the work of repairing the relational wound, there will be a new “Us”. A strong stool that will not topple.

To healing.

Maturity Is…

dictionary definition: -full development; perfected condition (is there really a perfect condition?)

I rather prefer: …”the ability to handle unresolvable problems indefinitely.”

Isn’t this the essence of being in relationship with another fallible imperfect human being? The joy of relationship is in the ongoing, lifetime discovery of the other. Within the framework of that discovery is the reality that the other will have differing sensibilities and foilbles than self. It is those very differences that are bound to cause joy as well as irritation. There is no perfect other to be with in close relationship. We will have conflict and disagreements.

Unresolvable problems.

And there is no earthly reason to resolve these differences. Viva la difference, as they say. Even if these differences are profoundly annoying, they are part and parcel of the fabric of us and the other. It is what makes me, me and you, you.

If you believe we are in this world to learn and grow, what better opportunity than to be in close relationship with another? As a betrayal recovery site has said ‘marriage is God’s greatest people growing machine”.

Although not all of us will have the drastic and painful challenge of our spouse’s infidelity, it is by its very nature, opportunity to learn to love. If one can come to love another who has broken your heart, maturity and love is surely at hand.

The question is ‘how do we come to live in close relationship with someone so different than us?’ Someone who has proven to be profoundly broken in a way, perhaps different than us, but not un-different than our own brokenness. We all make poor choices at times. We all have a self centered bent. Given similar experiences, perhaps we too would have fallen.

Perhaps not.

Perhaps we would choose some other destructive behavior. It might be detrimental to self. Of perhaps it would be inaction that keeps us from reaching our full potential as a human being. Whatever the case, we, all of us, have the potential to fall from grace. The grace that is mankind at its best. We are all imperfect—perfectly imperfect.

Has the betrayed done something as egregious as intimate betrayal? Mostly likely not–at least not in that form. -He who is without sin cast the first stone.

This is the stuff of forgiveness and healing. This, the power of grace. This perhaps the biggest challenge of our lives.

Maturity- the ability to handle unresolvable problems indefinitely. The power of choice to love.

It Takes Me a Long Time…

..to become young. – Pablo Picasso

Photo by Thgusstavo Santana on Pexels.com

Wow…what a quote. I think it is more applicable the older we get because becoming young, being young is so far in the rear view mirror. It takes digging to remember the feelings and sensibilities of youth, let alone to gain a youthful exuberant outlook–especially after you have been betrayed in the deepest most egregious way by the one person who swore to protect you.

The depression that goes along with the grief of losing the marriage and the spouse you thought you had is like a two ton weight on your chest. The sadness is always your companion, weighing down heart and body. It’s like wearing a straight jacket with lead sewn into the lining.

I remember having a somewhat similar feeling while my UH was acting out. He was completely non-romantic, non-courting, entitled of all I offered. In particular, sex. He expected it and if he didn’t get his fill he shamed me. He’d poke me in the back after we were in bed asking for sex. He’d occasionally ask me what was the matter with me. I had no answer, though I researched, went to the doctor and even tried testosterone supplement–all to no avail.

In retrospect, I believe I did not have as much a physically caused disinterest, but an emotional one. I was starved for authentic connection. I was starved for emotional connection and support. I was a starving woman without intimacy. Small wonder I could not muster up desire to participate in physical intimacy. I did not want to be a sex object. I wanted to be loved.

Physical intimacy is the result of emotional intimacy. Without emotional connection, sex feels at best inauthentic and mechanical–at worst, prostituting oneself. Duty sex is no way to live. It is degrading and abusive of body and heart.

So how does one grow young again in the reality of betrayal? I’m still working on that. What I do know is that at the end of the day, it is a choice–as is all happiness. Happiness is not so much a function of circumstances as of attitude. An attitude of gratitude is the path up that mountain.

I am working on it. I am mindful to look for the good, celebrate the positive–day in and day out. I am mindful to listen to my body and heart–to take care of myself.

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their mind to be. – Abe Lincoln

Some days it is easier than others. Some days the grief blanket seems too heavy to crawl out from beneath, but one day at a time things will improve. Not linear, but certainly.

The Importance of Accountability

Listening to an eye opening podcast. “Steven DeLugach, counselor and C-SAT, talks about the relationship between accountability and healing relationships.” Forty years of dealing with recovery from trauma, addiction and intimacy disorders.

Validating my experience through drawing corollaries between the effects of betrayal trauma and the 12 steps of recovery is powerful. Steven DeLaugach compares the viability of the idea that the first step, where one declares him or herself powerless over “X” also mandates the importance of holding oneself accountable for the damage that powerlessness has had on self and other people.

It is heroic and courageous to show up and be accountable for how your behavior has effected others. Likewise, in the absence of this accountability it is very difficult for the traumatized persons to move on in any meaningful relationship with the offender and/or to move on toward health.

Addicts feel threatened and vulnerable. They often think like victims. They isolate and are defensive/ live in denial. Their family feels confused and lonely. Denial or minimizations of the effects of behavior on the part of the offender slows or limits the ability to heal.

It is the expression of genuine regret for the harm caused THAT allows us to heal and move on. Developing empathy is the primary task. How does your behavior effect others? ISM’s must be moved away from (I myself and me). Group therapy and support is most helpful.

“Until we acknowledge the harm done it is very difficult for relationships to move on.”

Accountability is not Amends, Disclosure, an explanation, pressure to change, reengagement or pressure to forgive. Accountability lies within the first step. The betraying behaviors have also created unmanageability in the lives around me. I have lost control and caused harm to others. Accountability is a process by which I become a moral person.

When partners have been lied to and betrayed, there is a legitimate need to hear the accountability from their betraying partner. Getting sober is easy. Showing up emotionally for those we have hurt takes time and support.

Show up and be emotionally present.

This is a non negotiable boundary for any hope of reconnection. Without it, we betrayed can not and do not feel safe for reengagement. You, the unfaithful, are not safe. You don’t ‘get it’ and you are unwilling to specifically delve into each instance and cost of your behavior. If you are unable or unwilling to to this work, you have no ability to avoid repeat. You are not safe.

Courage to Communicate

Betrayed wife and author of the recovery workbook, Rescued, Shelley Martinkius, talks about communication in recovery:

“When a wife shares, it’s as if she has put her heart on the table. Raw, vulnerable and exposed. By giving her feedback, you (the unfaithful husband) are helping her put her heart back in her chest. Giving feedback starts with actively listening. It’s also looking for positive points in what the speaker shares. It’s about validating her feelings and possibly offering a suggestion. It’s about acknowledging her pain and also stating that you can relate to what she’s experiencing. And last, feedback is answering this question: “What does the speaker need based on what she’s shared?”

Sex addicts and unfaithful husbands are dealing with an intimacy issue. It is his lack of ability to connect with himself and others that drives his sexual acting out. The risk of being vulnerable and possibly experiencing rejection outweighs the reward of authentic, deeply connected relationship. Unfortunately the false intimacy of pretend in sexual acting out comes with a cost to all parties involved. For the men who live this way , there is a tremendous amount of shame—deep down they don’t like who they are. Often they live with intense anger, criticism, skepticism and a negative, cynical view of the world. It costs them peace, hope and the ability to see the good in life and people.

It costs we betrayed wives authentic connection and so much more.

In recovery, if the courage can be mustered, if the right help sought, if a recovery tribe of support is assembled and the UH has the will to use the tools learned, shared with his trusted tribe and heal, a window is open to learning and achieving true intimacy. The recovering unfaithful can brave allowing his wife to speak to him of things about himself and them as a couple, that he could not know about himself. He can discover things about himself that he could not do alone. He can depend on his partner to share her deep knowledge and experience of him as seen by only one person on the planet– his spouse.

How many years are stolen through hiding and partial truth? How diminished is a relationship where one or both partners is afraid to be fully known? If that leap of faith–that risk to be known can be taken, perhaps for the first time, true intimacy can be achieved.

And it is this true intimacy that can lead to authentic love as it is meant to be in a healthy relationship.

What Does Authentic Change Look Like?

-Taking baby steps every day. Practice, practice, practice recovery, kindness and love.

-practice empathy, acknowledgement, validation, remorse, apology every day

-actions forward without being asked or reminded

-Initiate conversations of all varieties.

-follow through on promises

-mindfulness; look for things to help with/fix/attend to without being asked. Proactive.

-talking daily about your thoughts and feelings.

-expressing gratitude for me, my patience, my grace extended

-don’t be afraid to express anger, grief and disappointment

-take the tiger by the tail of any challenge. Respect me and my opinion/ search me out to work ‘it’ out/ come to an agreement or compromise. TALK about all!

-admit day in and out what mistakes in thinking you have made, past and present and why you see them as mistakes. Express how you think now about past, present and future.

-write to me. Share your writing about important feelings, history, people. Allow me into your heart and mind again so I can learn what makes you tick. Give me the chance to know you–the REAL you—all of you. No editing, no giving into fear.

-Practice being a man. The man I thought I married who puts family, me, home as priority. A man who protects me, our children, our home, our safety, our security.

-Do not allow fear to prevent you from talking, acting.

-Be your own first accountability. Hold yourself accountable. Make the commitment to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to move forward toward emotional maturity, sobriety and health.

-Use the tools you have learned. Keep using them to find those that work for you. Be tenacious. Persevere.

-Keep growing your network/community. Don’t give up searching for male accountability and friends.

-Exercise your generosity muscles by helping others, without expectation of repayment.

–

What Do You See as Loving and Kind?

This is probably like asking ‘what is your love language”? as expressed in the book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. While I agree that each of us has our own ideas and feeling as related to what ‘feeds’ our heart, I think the absence of going through the exercise of actually making a list leaves what makes me/you feel loved, uncertain and fuzzy.

So here’s my exercise in ‘what is loving and kind’?—to me.

-Listening to me and taking mental note as to what I enjoy.

-Lighting candles for the dinner table

-pointing out the positive in my efforts, even if my attempt was less than perfect, in your estimation. Review history and set it in the light of benefit of the doubt.

-Validating what I am saying through comments, questions, voicing appreciation.

-Planning and executing a special occasion: dinner at home, dinner out, picnic, a concert, class together, a trip, weekend away, small gifts, words of encouragement and appreciation.

-Apologies and more apologies that include specific ‘what’s’ and ‘why’s’. Recognition of the pain your choices have caused.

-Verbally expounding on history tainted by infidelity and setting things ‘right’–rewriting history to reflect something closer to reality than your justifications and delusional thinking allowed. Expound on said.

-Generosity in believing best intentions on my part as I do for you.

-Daily expression of appreciation for being given a second, third fourth, fifty seventh chance.

-Carrying out activities with me without ANY expectations of pay back. Doing things ‘just because’ you know I would enjoy it.

-make amends, invest in trying to set things right, arrange to pay me back financially, emotionally daily and to the best of your ability

-share yourself/ thoughts/feelings with me—like my best friend would–without letting fear deter you.

-think of me before acting. Consult me before making larger decisions (because you respect me and value my thoughts).

-Tell me what you have always loved about me–then, and now.

-Protect our assets by proactively managing them, collecting IOU’s and planning for the future.

-Apologize, apologize, apologize (oh did I already say that?) You can not express enough grief, regret and WHY’s. Begin to balance the thousands of costs with recognizing them and expressing kind empathy and in so doing, love (the action)

-Look me in the eyes when you talk to me.

Feeling Lonely

Many of us have learned to make choices based solely on our feelings….as if feelings were facts. But feelings are not facts. They just are. They come and they go.

I know for sure that I am feeling very lonely tonight–as I have often over the many years of my UH’s abandonment. I thought he was ‘just’ off on business trips. Truth be known, he was on business AND making it his business to have a mistress on the side while on those trips. Trouble is the abandonment does not end with the couple hours of sex they’d share, leaving me at home with the kids.

The abandonment permeated our entire relationship because he was detached from me emotionally in order to support his justifications to be cheating. I remember I used to tell him I felt lonely and he’d just shrug.

I was also abandoned to shoulder the vast majority of the everyday responsibilities of running the house and caring for the kids. Thing is I thought I was being a good wife supporting him so he could work his regular job and do his military reserve drills on weekends. And indeed I was.

I was also supporting his addiction. Addiction to adoration. And his addiction to being superficial. Conflict avoidant. Good ‘ole Christine was always reliable and there to make sure things went smoothly or, if not, clean up and see to repairing whatever went wrong. I did it all out of love. I was a doormat and only sometimes realized it.

Thing is, I was lonely.

Lonely because I did not have a husband who would talk to me about anything of depth. He was so good at being busy that there never seemed to be much time. If there was time and I asked what he was feeling or thinking, he’d say “Nothing.” Or “I don’t know.” Sadly–those responses were true. He is so good at running away from himself he truly DIDN’T think of anything. Nothing of depth. Nothing self reflective. That would have been too scary.

So I was lonely and didn’t know why. I thought it was probably just me being too picky.

Oh how I long for a partner, that is one. A person who enjoys getting to know me and allows me to know him. But that is not reality. So all those years I made friends with those with whom I could share. Fellow teachers, neighbors, people at church. They were the ones that filled my need for depth.

How sad that my UH has missed out on me.

Maybe one day he will figure out that normal conflicts and disagreements are small price to pay for intimacy. They are the stuff of depth and caring and love. They are the spice that flavors the stew of relationships. They make marriage what it is –deep– to know the other absolutely and to keep discovering more lifelong.

I am still learning. Today I know that I can feel afraid of new experiences or of potential conflict, yet move forward through those feelings. I can survive being hurt and not give up on love. I can experience sadness and still be confident that I will be happy again.

“Life, for all its agonies…is exciting and beautiful, amusing and artful and endearing…and whatever comes after it — we shall not have this life again.” – Rose Maculay

A Letter to Myself On My Wedding Day

Photo by Tirachard Kumtanom on Pexels.com

Dear twenty three year old bride/self,

I’m writing to explain what marriage really means because I remember all too well your fairytale ideology that marriage is about a beautiful wedding, then fast forward to happily ever after. It’s not.

With that said, I’m not writing as a warning, because that would frighten you and perhaps change who you are and/or your giving nature. You are an amazingly loving and trusting soul. Don’t allow anything to change that. I’m writing more as an opportunity, because you’re definitely a hopeless romantic.

Your dreams of a man riding in on a white horse, or a knight in shining armor, are figments of an animated imagination and I just want to take some time to talk to you about what’s real.

I want to let you in on a secret, if you will. A moment in time, to give you a gift, the gift of a second chance.

You are still so young, at only 23 years old. And here you’re already a wonderful young woman who hasn’t quite discovered how great either of you are just yet. You should feel proud and accomplished at earning your BA and a teaching credential. I know when I look back I’m definitely proud of you.

Nevertheless, I specifically want to talk about fear. You see, although you survived a lot of abuse from your family of origin and you think you’ve got it all sorted out, you’re traumatized. Your traumas have caused significant damage and created a space for constant anxieties to thrive. Anxieties like your fear of not being good enough, not being capable enough, and other fears, like your fear of sexuality, of getting in trouble by making mistakes, of not knowing enough information or being looked at as incompetent, or of being judged. Mainly, your fear of simply not being good enough to be loved. Bull. These are lies. Don’t believe them.

I know you. Probably better than anyone really knows you. I know how hard you try to be perfect. I know how hard you work to be accepted and lovable. How much you feel you don’t and can’t possibly do everything you want to do for your husband and kids. And I know you think that if you achieve genuine happiness it means that you have reached the end of your life. But you don’t have to be afraid. I’ve begun to discover that you can be accepted and you are more than lovable.

As I write this, I realize now that you are just starting out on the first path of many that will lead you on a journey into a life that brims with love and hardship, joy and sadness, as well as abundance and strife. Your life will be wrought with moments of desolation and incredible successes. And I wouldn’t have you change any of it. You will learn so much from the experiences that living this life will teach you. Yes even the heartbreaking ones you will suffer.

I would also encourage you to ditch your unhealthy attitudes earlier. You should see life through the eyes of someone who chooses to actually live and enjoy life. Find life in every breath. Leave behind the acts of fear that cause you to bury yourself and hide away from experiences and all that is great in you.

Now, about the young man you have chosen. He is going to be amazing in so many way. You were right to be attracted to his laid back attitude and sense of adventure. And that great sense of humor. You will laugh every day of your life. He will look to you for strength, sometimes too much and too often and even at your expense. Try not to let that diminish you. Hold onto your sense of yourself and know that any of his struggles and poor choices do not reflect on you one iota. He will eventually have to confront his demons.

But it will take some time. You will both have to learn to grow up and embrace the art of communication. You will find a number of resources that help you along the way. You’ll learn principles about communicating and methods for dealing with conflict that you’ll even align with your desire and ability to help other. Trust me, these tools will prove invaluable.

Your marriage will become a beacon of hope for many couples. But it will take time. Time that can be shortened if you heed many words and remember this letter, starting today, your wedding day. You can be so much more if you start by shedding the heavy, unsightly cloak of fear and self judgement.

Your story needs to be heard through the ears of faith and not through fear. Fear prematurely ends stories. It changes the narrative and demands surrender. It turns heroes into cowards and strength into weakness. It both clouds and casts judgment and decisions. It slowly takes away the essence of who you really are. It highlights scarcity and inflates the balloon of false pride. You are not what you’ve been through. Your truth and destiny lie in the places you will go and the people whose lives you will touch. So continue to go far and shine bright. Dream often. And fear not.

In this letter, I want you to recognize that you are going to have a beautiful family, a legacy of serving others, and a connection to your husband that is all too fragile because of the monster, fear. But your life will really begin when you can see yourself as whole and good enough as is. Know that life is not just about what you know or have learned, it’s about how well you learn how to live, and love. Do it fearlessly, for there is life in every experience, the mountain top and the valley of destruction.

So with that said, here are a few things I’ve learned about love and life over the last 41 years of marriage.

Never stop dreaming together
Talk openly about your goals for the future, and always support your husband’s dreams. Be curious, creative, and explore your entrepreneurial spirit. Don’t forget to support YOUR dreams too. Don’t wait until the kids are grown to take care of you and your aspirations.

Take better care of your health
Eat better and get into a fitness program or routine. Stop complaining and taking your amazing body for granted. Spend less time worrying about how you wish you looked and spend more time loving yourself.

Spend less time worrying
You possess all the intelligence, perseverance and love you will need to face your life.

Enjoy spending time with yourself
You are and always will be your own best friend. Be good to her. Don’t miss all that time just enjoying who you are and dreaming about who you’ll be. YOU–not only your husband and your family.

Keep the childlike twinkle in your eye
It will serve you well and keep you and others laughing. You are funny—stay that way. You are a good, supportive friend. Appreciate that about you even when others do not. If anyone can not see that in you it takes nothing away from its presence and goodness. Kindness and love are never wasted.

Spend more time in the moment with your children
They really do grow up fast. Parenting isn’t a race, it’s a journey. It does not end when they’re 18. It will challenge you in different ways, but you’ll never get their little inquisitive minds back, so enjoy it while you can. The dust bunnies will wait.

Always spend time talking to your husband
It gives you both so much life. Have patience for teachable moments and keep laughing, it really is medicine for the heart. Share yours no matter what he does with it.

Keep making space for intimacy
Keep being intriguing and spontaneous. If you are over burdened–get help. Insist on it. Exhaustion, mental, emotional and physical, is the death of intimacy.

Challenge yourself often
Don’t sit in the same place, be different, choose different. ‘Regular’ is your enemy. You have so much ability. Use it well.

Trust the process
Everything good and bad happens for a reason, even when you don’t understand why. Keep believing and trusting in the process. There’s always another side, another chance and a way to go through.

Please take these words with you, always. Know that I love you.

*inspired by a similar letter on Gottman.com*