Just when you think you’re gonna have a brief brush with an upper respiratory infection, it can turn on you. Tonight I do what my mother did when I was a child–get out the Vicks vapor rub and slather it on my chest, cover it with a soft cotton cloth and rub some under my nose.
My homemade chicken noodle soup was tasteless–but full of nutrition. My inability to hear and see except through a fog reminded me of an old Dick Van Dyke Show episode where he recounts to his son how he and his mom almost didn’t get married because his (Rob Petrie, Dick van Dykes character) ears were so plugged by a cold he couldn’t hear a thing the preacher said–spouting “I do” at inappropriate times, then turning to his bride-to-be saying “I don’t?” Funny stuff, though not so much when you are so incapacitated that you can’t sleep without hacking and you have to sit up in bed to have any chance of breathing.
I’ve had two weeks off from my care taking duties and am supposed to return to work tomorrow. Argh! Needless to say I do not want to be the early demise of my client, so I left a message on the substitute phone. WOuldn’t you know I’m scheduled for two doctor’s appointment Tuesday, neither of which will want to see me in this state (dermatologist and allergist to take a peak flow meter of my lung capacity) Now that would be a joke right now.
Self care – not just for betrayal trauma recovery. Also for sickness. Please don’t go to work if you are sick. No one wants you’re germs. You don’t want mine, let me tell you. Self care includes knowing when to say ‘No”.
I say ‘No” to work. I want to respect other’s health boundaries to not catch something from me. Even though I am scheduled and committed. The world will not fly off its axis without me. A substitute will do just fine.
Take care of yourself out there this cold and flu season.
I am in the midst of my third cold in as many months. Fortunately I have not gotten the fever laden flu. Small consolation as the pile of Kleenex on the coffee table in front of me rivals the size of the box from which they came.
So what do you do when you are sick? Do you slip into self pity, pull the covers over your head and sleep the day away? Or do you binge watch that series you’ve been meaning to get to? Perhaps you take advantage of the down time to read or write. In the case of early January, the holiday decorations call to be slid back into their ten month slumber in the boxes labeled with magic marker “X-mas”.
Me? I take my cue from my three dogs. They walk about in nervous impatience until I alight on the sofa or lay down on the bed. They then take up residence as my three protective satellites, orbiting around the human planet that provides them food and cuddles. No complaining. No bouncing around trying to get me to play. They seem to know that my body needs to rest, sometimes better than I know.
What is it about our animals and their sense of balance, presence. Perhaps it is because they don’t have the capacity to look into the future laden with worry that keeps them, and thus us, grounded. What a blessing to be reminded of the here and now from creatures that love us unconditionally.
Well…as long as I don’t forget to drop the food bowl on the flor promptly at four pm
This is a blog about what I experience as self and relationship defeating beliefs and behavior. Crazy stuff.
How does it make sense to resent the messengers of evidence and experience based betrayal recovery help? How does it heal anything or anybody by resenting me, the betrayed, for asking for reparative work? Why am I avoided like the plague for needing repentance and repair?
This is the place in which I find myself. My UH says he resents being forced to make repairs. He resents my request for repair. He resents me for ‘knowing it all’ because I have done lots of research about how to heal from this nightmare.
He resents the messenger and therefore doing anything to enact the message.
How insane is that?
So I live in a state of being resented and avoided because I need to experience a remorseful and repentant unfaithful spouse to have any pathway toward healing our relationship. I need to experience a spouse who understands his choices and the consequences of his choices, takes responsibility for them and expresses regret for making them.
I have made huge strides toward healing myself. Toward building on my already strong self concept and self respect. Toward valuing my strength, resilience and tenacity. I am and have become an even stronger woman than I was before the bomb of betrayal was dropped on me. Bravo, me.
I have spent my life like the little red hen, making a comfortable home for my husband, kids and myself. I have lovingly and happily made the sacrifices that demanded. I have reveled in the reward of seeing my spouse and kids grow and move forward in their lives. I have received age appropriate help from my kids when asked–mostly. Sure the moaning that most kids display when asked to clean up etc. I have received spotty compliance with requests for help from my UH–very spotty if timeframe is considered. He nearly always drags out compliance. Also, I have come to find, because he resents me for asking. He feels forced. They all, however, love the comfort of a clean well functioning home.
Oh dear little red hen Christine. You love fiercely, explicitly and long. You go the extra miles for those you love, sometimes at your own expense. Sometimes you have loved too much. Oh foolish little red hen who perhaps should have refused to do some of that above and beyond. Not in the fabric of Christine’s nature.
Now little red hen Christine is practicing boundaries, even when it is her nature to set aside personal comfort, she is not. She is demanding her rightful serenity. She is following through on self care and preservation.
What form of insanity is it for my UH to refuse to instigate proven effective repair actions and words because it is needed and expected to move forward? If you are an unfaithful, please do tell…
To my eyes and heart it feels a whole lot like pride. Stubborn, self righteous pride.
However, dear little red hen, keep telling yourself—Didn’t cause it, can’t cure it…gotta stay on my side of the street and care for me.
You might not know that actor Keanu Reeves has suffered much loss in his life.
Throughout his life, Reeves has been no stranger to hardship. His father left him and his mother when he was only 2 years old and was later imprisoned for selling heroin. His mother went on to marry three more times and they moved a lot.
In 1999, Keanu’s longtime girlfriend Jennifer Syme, gave birth to a stillborn baby girl, and after 18 months she also died in a car crash. Remarkably, all these tragedies couldn’t stop him from becoming the awesome person that he is today.
It has honed a strong resilient soul. Thought I’d share some quotes from him. As an infidelity survivor I particularly love and appreciate #14. Hope you find some vicarious strength.
“Every struggle in your life has shaped you into the person you are today. Be thankful for the hard times, they can only make you stronger.”
“I do think there must be some kind of interaction between your living life and the life that goes on from here.”
“Mortality is very different when you’re 20 to when you’re 50.”
“It is incredibly empowering to know that your future is in your hands.”
“Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed, so live today!”
“Art is about trying to find the good in people and making the world a more compassionate place.”
“You have to change your life if you’re not happy, and wake up if things aren’t going the way you want.”
“Sometimes enemies are our best teachers, people can learn from their mistakes, destruction sometimes means rebirth.”
“Grief changes shape but it never ends.”
“Sometimes simple things are the most difficult things to achieve.”
“So in the end, I think we can all pretty well agree that even in the face of tragedy, a stellar person can thrive. No matter what’s going on in your life, you can overcome it! Life is worth living.”
“Try to be wrong once in a while, it’ll do your ego good.”
“None of us are getting out of here alive, so please stop treating yourself like an afterthought. Eat the delicious food. Walk in the sunshine. Jump in the ocean.”
“If you have been brutally broken, but still have the courage to be gentle to other living beings, then you’re a badass with the heart of an angel.”
“Letters are something from you. It’s a different kind of intention than writing an e-mail.”
“I was also raised to treat people exactly how I would like to be treated by others. It’s called respect.”
“Our dreams can teach us, instruct us, confuse us, sometimes I think they look to be considered. They are an opportunity and I think they most certainly could be utilized to focus, to try and achieve — whether it’s looking for someone, or influencing us, or inspiring us.”
“When I don’t feel free and can’t do what I want, I just react. I go against it.”
“ll always be in love with love.”
“Our saving grace! Um, as a species [humans] we can be pretty warm and fuzzy. But maybe for this, it’s adaptability, or the heart and soul. We’re not all that bad. I don’t really know!”
“Multi-culture is the real culture of the world — a pure race doesn’t exist.”
“The person who was holding me back from my happiness was me.”
“A good date is when you are intoxicated with each other’s company and everything becomes good in the world.”
“Energy can’t be created or destroyed, and energy flows. It must be in a direction, with some kind of internal, emotive, spiritual direction. It must have some effect somewhere.”
“When the people you love are gone, you’re alone.”
“I thank the earth and the sky every day for the opportunities I’ve had.”
“Sometimes we get so caught up in our daily lives that we forget to take the time out to enjoy the beauty in life. It’s like we’re zombies. Look up and take your headphones out. Say ‘Hi’ to someone you see and maybe give a hug to someone who looks like they’re hurting.”
“The simple act of paying attention can take you a long way.”
“Sure I believe in God and the Devil, but they don’t have to have pitchforks and a long white beard.”
dictionary definition: -full development; perfected condition (is there really a perfect condition?)
I rather prefer: …”the ability to handle unresolvable problems indefinitely.”
Isn’t this the essence of being in relationship with another fallible imperfect human being? The joy of relationship is in the ongoing, lifetime discovery of the other. Within the framework of that discovery is the reality that the other will have differing sensibilities and foilbles than self. It is those very differences that are bound to cause joy as well as irritation. There is no perfect other to be with in close relationship. We will have conflict and disagreements.
Unresolvable problems.
And there is no earthly reason to resolve these differences. Viva la difference, as they say. Even if these differences are profoundly annoying, they are part and parcel of the fabric of us and the other. It is what makes me, me and you, you.
If you believe we are in this world to learn and grow, what better opportunity than to be in close relationship with another? As a betrayal recovery site has said ‘marriage is God’s greatest people growing machine”.
Although not all of us will have the drastic and painful challenge of our spouse’s infidelity, it is by its very nature, opportunity to learn to love. If one can come to love another who has broken your heart, maturity and love is surely at hand.
The question is ‘how do we come to live in close relationship with someone so different than us?’ Someone who has proven to be profoundly broken in a way, perhaps different than us, but not un-different than our own brokenness. We all make poor choices at times. We all have a self centered bent. Given similar experiences, perhaps we too would have fallen.
Perhaps not.
Perhaps we would choose some other destructive behavior. It might be detrimental to self. Of perhaps it would be inaction that keeps us from reaching our full potential as a human being. Whatever the case, we, all of us, have the potential to fall from grace. The grace that is mankind at its best. We are all imperfect—perfectly imperfect.
Has the betrayed done something as egregious as intimate betrayal? Mostly likely not–at least not in that form. -He who is without sin cast the first stone.
This is the stuff of forgiveness and healing. This, the power of grace. This perhaps the biggest challenge of our lives.
Maturity- the ability to handle unresolvable problems indefinitely. The power of choice to love.
And it marks year four of my new forced life without the spouse I thought I had. But that is not entirely true, as I think it through. Yes, he became incredibly abusive as his marijuana and alcohol addiction crescendoed. He was, however still the emotionally distant man I had been living with for years. The breakdown of his hiding just highlighted the fact.
He still played the crowd, so to speak, putting on his good guy mask in front of others, managing his image as best he could cobble under the circumstances. In that sense he was not a total stranger. I had learned to settle for distance and shallow connection.
He could no longer hold it together. His secret life came bursting out, like a damn ruptured under the pressure of the water behind it. All the hatefulness he’d built up scorched me with his swearing, aggression and unkind words. All the false stories he’d told himself about me and my motives ruptured out in all their ugliness. Voice contempt laden, angry and eyes dark with resentment, he blasted me with hate.
Yes, hate.
What he did not recognize was that the person he hated was himself—not me. I was the scapegoat for all the disastrous choices, all the vile actions he had undertaken for the previous twenty seven years.
And then they went back into the genie’s bottle like so much dark mist. Sucked back inside to stew, he once again exerted all his energy at covering up the ugliness. Trouble is, there was too much for him to completely contain. Abusiveness seeped out, short temper, Dr Jeckel and Mr Hyde, contemptuous words, avoidance of eye contact, avoidance physically with a schedule of 12 step meetings that would keep him out of the house and away from me. It was dizzying. This period of faux ‘recovery’ has extended until this day. He carries a head full of facts and direction as to how to heal, how to repair. But he does not choose to institute those actions. He still avoids. He white knuckles sobriety.
Little by slow he seems to be recognizing his stonewalling and retreat behind his sky high emotional walls. It is yet to be seen whether he will choose to lower those walls. I keep my boundaries in place and add new as needed to protect myself from contempt, from the hurt of feeling frozen out by his withdrawal. It is a lengthy, ongoing, painful challenge that I must continue…for me. For my heart and well being.
So as I enter this new decade of the 20’s I remain in a limbo of sorts. Yet this limbo is growing increasingly stable, comfortable, do-able. I even have some joy sprinkled into almost every day as I practice my favorite self care activities. I am becoming more used to being alone. I enjoy the company—me.
If you as a betrayed find yourself in this isolated place, I wish you the joy of learning about yourself and what makes you smile. Keep on keeping on.
No, not the film with Gerard Butler as a determined King Leonidas–though his example of integrity to his people is the stuff of legend. This mention of 300 is in reference to the number of days, the number of blogs I have penned since the end of February this year.
I began this effort on the third anniversary of my d-day in hope of sharing my path, my thoughts, with those out there that might gain some solace, some reassurance that they–that you are not alone. This post revelation of intimate betrayal is a lonely place to find oneself. Even if you are fortunate to have a bevy of friends and family around you, few if any have this betrayal experience in their life’s repertoire. Fewer understand the exquisite grief and disappointment in finding out that one’s marriage was a lie. To find out the you have been allegedly married to a stranger who could throw away your vows, safety, security and heart is truly the most emotionally painful experience this life can bring.
During this nearly year long blog writing path I have poured out the good the bad and the ugly of it. I’ve opened my chest and laid my heart out on the table for all readers to see/feel. I’ve been about as vulnerable as a human being can be. I’ve shared my grief, my tears, my astonishment at the unfairness of it as well as my struggle to regain my sense of beauty and gratitude for this amazing world we all live in. Thank God I have never lost my love for this time and place here on Earth. It has, in fact, been my anchor.
To choose to remain in the present and choose to see what is there everyday in front of us–these wonderful technical doorways into each other’s minds and hearts. My goodness, it still baffles me when I try to wrap my mind around the incredible potential reach each of us has who are blessed with this amazing internet connection. We can meet people we’d never have crossed paths with sans this platform. You can read, here on Christine Renewed, about a woman living in California who is wrestling with an all to common devastation—and still moving forward.
We, you and I, my friends—we have each other’s back even if only virtually. Just as the pages of books have upheld, educated, inspired and entertained people throughout the modern age, so this amazing access to one individual’s ‘blog’ can do likewise. In fact, long after you and I are gone, there will be these words, this heart still beating in the minds and hearts of any who might read about a woman in the early 21st century trying to come to terms with being betrayed by her husband.
Sadly, I see no end to the pain of the choice to turn one’s back on one’s spouse. People have been doing it for ages and will no doubt continue to make this devastating and life altering choice to abandon the person they swore to protect and uphold. We live in a broken world full of selfish self centered people.
That said, we also live among people of character and integrity. People who, like King Leonidas, would give their lives for others. Good and evil co exist–even within the same person. And so it is not impossible for the evil of infidelity to be redeemed through commitment and responsibility taking of the betrayer. It has yet to be in my personal experience. My UH still chooses himself over me and any us. But I do know it is possible for some, for many to repair this breech in relationship. I believe it can and does happen.
I read a blog written by an APSAT therapist recently suggesting we betrayed make a list of twenty things we love to do. Then we are to do a minimum of three each day. We betrayed need to take care of ourselves–especially when our faux-spouse is not.
Here’s mine:
Twenty Things I Love to Do
snuggle with my Yorkie
drink decaf coffee/ tea
eat dark chocolate
eat macadamia nuts
enjoy a glass of wine
walking
sleeping enough
writing
reading
listening to music
Visiting my girlfriends
Going out to eat
Singing along with music
Sitting in the garden/gardening
Playing with/thinking about/looking at photos of my granddaughter
Cleaning/organizing
travel/travel planning/dreaming
baking
watching news/GMA/DWTS/This Is Us
cruising Facebook for cute memes/gifs
What are yours? Come on—write ’em down and start caring for you!
As a Seasonal Affective Disorder sufferer (“SAD”), this time of year lends itself to laying low, staying at home and peering out the window at the grey sky. I think it is also a function of being between Christmas and New Years. It’s always been a time off—from school, from work as a teacher and now from work as a caregiver because my client(s) are so often off visiting their families.
Early sunset puts me in the mood for early bedtime. The chill in the air and snuggle sweaters or blankets are perfect recipe for hibernation.
And so is infidelity/betrayal trauma.
One of the biggest challenges since d-day is to find a reason to carry on. As embarrassing as that is to admit, it is true. I have known no other existence since I was 18 years old, but to be with my spouse. We do nearly everything together. Our hobbies and interests nearly match. We were pretty much inseparable as college students. Most all our marriaed life he’d rush home to be with me…and then the kids. He’s never been a sports guy nor does he have drinking buddies. As time went on, he took to drinking after hours at home–in secret. Once the secret life began it blossomed, though he never allowed it to deprive us of his presence.
No, my UH committed his betrayal during business trips off hours. Perfect set up. Away from home for good cause of earning a living and put up at nice hotels by his company; his meals as well as any potential ‘candidate’s’ meals paid for by the company too. As a military and then corporate recruiter, all his expenses were taken care of and all his time ostensibly accounted for. No receipts with suspicious additions, no dipping into the family account or using the family credit card–all the ideal set up for his acting out without suspicion.
The consummate actor, he kept up the facade of loving husband, especially when any other ‘eyes’ were present. My friends nicknamed him ‘Letchy’ for his oft over-generous public displays of affection. I remember swatting him away at times. My daughter has interpreted this as me being ‘mean’ to him.
I was the perfect dupe. Totally fooled. Though not totally happy. He didn’t share his emotions with me. Talk was surface and/or fun. I was lonely for deeper connection which I found with my women teacher colleagues and friends. After all, no one person can fulfill all our needs. And he didn’t seem to know how or want to.
He was sexually demanding and shaming. Why he could not grasp that I need more attachment emotional connection to muster up desire, I don’t know. He simply expected me to be in the mood whenever he was, no matter how lonnng a day or week or month I’d had or how late at night it was. Pointed index finger in my back was his brand of foreplay invitation. Needless to say, it seldom worked. I was all in for other forms of physical affection, but felt somehow used or objectified as a sex partner. Little did I know this is the hallmark of being the spouse of a sex addict. Why would I even know such a thing exists? No one I knew had ever even mentioned this as an addiction. And he was so attentive in front of our friends.
I was fooled, but I am not a fool. I was used. I was duped. The only crime I am guilty of is being loving and trusting. And that is not a crime.
In these long days and nights of non-recovery for any hope of an ‘us’, it is best spent in hibernation of one form or another. I either read or write, meditate or pray. All this on my own. Requesting more interaction has been met with little follow through, so I do the only thing I can—take care of myself.
I read a blog written by an APSAT therapist suggesting we betrayed make a list of twenty things we love to do. Then we are to do a minimum of three each day. We betrayed need to take care of ourselves–especially when our faux-spouse is not. Save our energy, hoard it, replenish it whenever possible. Hibernate if needed.
As an introvert I naturally recharge in solitude, so in this season of betrayal trauma recovery I will extend myself huge amounts of grace…and time to be by myself, rest, recharge, even hibernate during these long winter nights.
*See “Nestivus: An Alternative Holiday for Introverts” at sweatpantsandcoffee.com
“There are three ways to ultimate success: The first way is to be kind. The second way is to be kind. The third way is to be kind.” – Fred Rogers
At first blush if you are reading this through the tear stained eyes of a betrayal, you may be asking yourself why your unfaithful did not think of this before he did something that would forever impact your lives. Why? —Understandable.
Thing is, the more I read and hear from unfaithful, the more I come to believe that so many of them have suffered at the hands of unkind people and situations in their lives, it has become second nature to be unkind to others and particularly to themselves. Their negative self talk through their lives has cut to the bone… Anything by self kindness.
Which reminds me of a meme I saw on Facebook recently:
“If you don’t heal what hurt you, you will bleed on people that didn’t cut you.”
Also
“Pain untransformed WILL BE transmitted.”
The pandemic of suffering caused by unthinking unkindness, but treating others as objects to an ends or as objects in the way to an ends, is sickly common. We live in a broken world filled with people who have been broken by others and/or situations they did not cause.
Pandemic.
I believe in the power of kindness. It is akin to love. It is the manifestation of love. It is love in action. It is the answer to brokenness. It is truly the salvation of the world.
And the salvation of the unfaithful. Be kind. Starting with self kindness. Reparenting, loving of self through forgiveness of the things done in brokenness. Self forgiveness.
For the betrayed, to understand that none of our unfaithful began life capable of the horrors of betrayal. They were formed, not born that way. Someone bled on them that they did not cut. And they learned to self hate, to be unkind to themselves as easily and as frequently as breathing. Self love has become as foreign to them as oil is to water.
At Christmas Eve service this year, the minister talked about the power of a baby that night; the story so strong in metaphor for our broken world. If we could just all see ourselves as God does–his babies. We were all born innocent babes. Some of us have had misfortune to have unkindness corrupt that innocent nature. We are all still perfectly imperfect beings that can bloom under the salve of kindness.
“There are three ways to ultimate success: The first way is to be kind. The second way is to be kind. The third way is to be kind.” Fred Rogers
Christine Renewed 