When working to recover from trauma, there is a well worn path, travelled by far too many, that can lead out of the valley of death where remaining stuck in victimhood and grief leads. It is a long road frought with many stones and twisted roots. It is far too easy to get tripped up and discouraged.

“You have to trust the process.”

I’ve heard this almost like a mantra from many research based and well respected betrayal recovery sources. It is so hard to do when your heart is shattered into a million fragmented pieces and all you want, all you need, is to escape the horrendous pain. A pain like no other. A pain that leads many to wish they were dead. Death seems the only escape, even though most of us were happy and content before the grenade of betrayal was thrown into the middle of our life. We really do not want to be dead. We just want the pain to stop.

There are necessary elements that have been proven by many that lead to recovery. Just as there are innumerable odd shaped areas on the canvas of a paint by number. When you look up close at them they appear to be like weird islands in a sea of other fellow odd shapes. Or they could be compared to jigsaw puzzle pieces. When observed apart from the others, they are just odd shapes without congruent meaning.

I have found the road to recovery much like trying to make sense out of a million little pieces of process.

“Why do I have to do all this self care work, reading, therapy, workshops, blogging, podcast listening, etc, etc, etc? I’m not the one who caused this chaos.”

The refrain of every victim of crime or injustice rings down through the eons. We who have been struck by a car or raped or embezzled, or cheated on were indeed victims of injustice. We did not court nor do we deserve to be in this position.

But here we are.

Acceptance.

We will never have a better past. That leaves the only realistic choice. To move forward. But how?

Therein lies the wisdom of those who have walked this path before us. Those who have dedicated their lives to helping other heal from the same wounds whose scars remain on their heart. We who have survived, in this case intimate betrayal, are the most powerful sources of empathy, compassion and pathway wisdom. Those who have chosen to make their mess their message and studied the proven processes of healing so as to be a lantern to the pathway forward, are full of supportive hard earned wisdom and care. Those individuals can help us take each individual piece of evidence based wisdom and learn how to fit them into our own life situation.

When I am painting by number, I focus on each weird shaped area. I carefully choose the right size brush as tool. I follow the directions scrawled on the canvas. I check and recheck to be sure I have the correct color to apply to the correct ‘piece’. I carefully apply that color in patience. I work the canvas like a puzzle. Even when I sit back and look at my progress it can appear distorted. I can get discouraged, especially if I look at the whole too often. It can seem overwhelming. Like this weird concoction or colored blobs that will never make sense, let alone create something of beauty.

It has been my experience that if I follow the path—the directions, with patience and persistence. If I suspend judgement. If I am tenacious, careful and committed—I will have a beautiful painted picture eventually. It has happened every time. Even when the painting still looks odd when viewed up close. Even if the colors were not what I would have chosen or expected. When they come together in the chorus of the finished product–they are surprisingly, rewardingly beautiful. Every time.

So too is this path toward healing from betrayal trauma. If I grow impatient, or can not see how this mess will ever come together into a semblance of a new beautiful life, I remind myself of my painting. I remind myself of all the thousands of couples who have walked through the valley of the death of their marriage too infidelity. For no matter if you remain together or split–that pre disclosure marriage is dead. No way to put the genie of innocence back in that bottle.

You wouldn’t want the disfunction of that marriage anyway. It is gone, done, past.

It is up to each of us–unfaithful and betrayed–to commit to the process, work with diligent intention and consummate patience toward that day when we can stand back and look at our new life–and smile. We can make something new, something never seen by us before, something we could not have ever imagined—a good new life. Contentment. Serenity.

Together or apart, we can heal and become whole.