My friend recently had a terrible burn accident while cooking bacon. A stumble, and the hot grease splashed across the palm and side of her hand. As an EMT, she knew she must douse the injury in cold water and clean it. Not just clean, but rid the area of the skin that was peeled away. The pain was exquisite. A trip to emergency room quickly followed.
“Give me two minutes,” the ER doctor pleaded. “You did a good job and the right thing in cleaning your burn, but I have to get the rest of the dead skin and debris so you won’t get infected.”
My friend knew he was right.
“You’ve been through childbirth?” He smiled wryly.
He was understating the pain of the next two minutes. It seemed more like two years.
What is the metaphor here?
Healing from the worst trauma a person may ever experience–the betrayal of the one person they relied upon to protect them, is painful. It is no more welcome than have a burn deep cleansed after a horrible accident. Neither the betrayed, nor the unfaithful likely had any notion of the severity of this deep attachment wound.
And even when educated as to the required framework and path to healing, the actual experience of dredging up all the ugly details, metabolizing the long ranging effects on self, relationship and family and then talking it through ad nauseam..for months–dealing with the neurologically based trauma responses, the sleep disturbances–all of it, is nothing short of painful. Sometimes very painful. Probably the worst emotional pain most will ever experience.
And VITAL.
To heal you must make way for the new to grow. Tender, sensitive, unfamiliar new ‘skin’ will take the place of the damaged. The old marriage is dead, just as sure as those layers of injured skin. In an instant, your world has changed. Without warning, plunged into deep unrelenting pain. And then to realize that you must attend to the wound through a process that will cause more pain? So unfair. So unwanted, never imagined, nor courted.
Yet here you are. Plunged into what has sometime been referred to as hell on earth. “I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy.”
The unfaithful are likely gobsmacked by the intensity of their betrayed spouse’s pain. Gobsmacked by the depth of their own shame and guilt. Gobsmacked.
Now, no choice.
If you want to heal. If you want your new life to be strong, it is going to take Herculean courage and tenacity. If you want your marriage to be reborn into a stronger new life, it is going to be painful. Like childbirth, like the scraping of a wound to remove the offending old and dangerous.
You can heal. Whether or not you build a new marriage or part ways. Both of you can heal as individuals. If you want the marriage to rise like a Phoenix from the ashes, you will have to BOTH come together for what will be a long period of hard discussions. The unfaithful MUST learn to hold the pain of their betrayed without defensiveness or anger. They MUST learn to validate their wounded partner’s pain, to feel it, to empathize with it, and to repair it by becoming a changed, honest, person of integrity. Without these features, there will not be relational healing. Their will be pretend. Their will be limping along—ugly scars and more pain.
The betrayed MUST learn to open to the unfaithful and gain understanding, compassion for their unhealthy path. What led to infidelity is a lack of skills to be intimate. Infidelity is an intimacy disorder. Even though sworn to share and trust and protect–to be intimate with on the deepest levels. No secrets. Trust. “We”. “Us”. Two heads better than one–team. The unfaithful choose what seemed a path of needs met without the messy conflict of true intimacy. Unhealthy coping skills.
The betrayed MUST be open to seeing, to feeling what it must be like to be so wounded, so lacking in intimacy skills, so unhealthy that everything loved in life is put at risk. —Not easy.
Painful.
Over and over and over again, both partners, if they want a chance to heal, must make room for entering and feeling the world of their partner. Acknowledge. Empathize.
Like my friend’s hand, the wound will have to be tended. For a long time. There will be pain. But the pain can be reduced. How? Empathy. The gauze bandages wound round about my friend’s hand were cumbersome, unfamiliar, burdensome, time-consuming, and a constant reminder of the hot grease.
Slowly. Ever so slowly. Never fast enough. Her body, her self care, the support and care of her husband and family have brought her through. Even when those bandages came off, that new tender pink skin was sensitive. The least brush or bump sent shock waves. Triggered her pain receptors. Slow. Slowly over time, acknowledgement and care, her wound has healed. Her hand is returned to full function. Because she followed the prescriptive path of healing, her skin is smoother than that of her other hand. Stronger. Even better.
Could she have healed alone? Yes. As a strong, tenacious woman who was willing to take good care of herself, she would have healed. Did the love, support and empathy of her family help? Of course. Is she closer, more intimate with her spouse because of his empathy toward her and his supporting patient love? You bet.
The Unfaithful MUST learn–choose to move past their shame and guilt and turn toward tending the pain of their wounded betrayed if they want to heal the relationship. MUST. Imperative to relational healing. Both partners have a long path toward healing of self. Like a tree legged stool, self, partner and relationship–without each leg becoming strong, the stool will collapse. There will not be relational healing.
Make way for healing. Do the painful work of scraping away the unhealthy and damaged. Be patient. Healing takes enormous energy, care and time. However, these ingredients in place, healing will occur. There will be a stronger, wiser, more resilient ‘you’ down the road. If BOTH partners do their work and the work of repairing the relational wound, there will be a new “Us”. A strong stool that will not topple.
Your wife is deeply hurting right now and anger is very normal. You have to lean in and listen and be empathetic. If you hope for your marriage to survive then that’s your only option. My husband has been given the same advise from his SAA sponsor and counselor. This is part of the consequences of your behavior. It may be hard and you may not like it but as my husband’s sponsor says (and it’s true), “your wife is hurting waaayyy more than you right now” and you just need to realize that and try to be as empathetic as possible. As you lean in and let her spill her anger out and you listen and don’t defend yourself and you continue to apologize she will most likely soften and not be as angry over time.
Advise well given by a betrayed wife.
This is why my marriage is dead. This is why there is no reconciliation or reconnection. HE is still the cactus. My unfaithful husband did not care enough to protect “us” all those years he was unfaithful and he still does not care enough to try to make amends for what he shattered. He refuses to hug the cactus.
And that makes it still all about him and his comfort.
Comment from a faithful wife posted on a recovery forum:
“I am in a phase that I hate when people talk in terms of their “happiness” in life. We all desire some happiness in life, but let me try to explain….. When my husband was cheating, he was telling himself that he “deserved to be happy” and he sometimes uses that excuse now when he is avoiding during the hard stuff. There was nothing wrong with the marriage or me, but he was dealing with work stress and the death of a parent and some other personal, unresolved childhood issues. I agree that he probably wasn’t feeling “happy” everyday. BUT…. The unfaithful often use happiness as an excuse and justification for their cheating. Happiness is a fleeting emotion – comes and goes. Nothing on this Earth guarantees “happiness” at all times, but the unfaithful seem to think it is the only thing to base a marriage and lifetime commitment on. They have the expectation that it is somehow their spouse’s job to make them happy. Happiness. No wonder so many marriages fail. Trust me- I am not “happy” right now (over 4 years past D-Day). I am not cheating in my marriage because I don’t feel happy right now. I am not staying in this marriage and holding our family together because I feel “happy” right now. If I was only committed to my husband or kids when I felt “happy’, I would have left multiple times and betrayed them (especially during my kids’ teenage years). Life can be hard, but you don’t run. My happiness is not why I have stayed and continue to fight for my marriage. It’s much more complicated than that. My happiness from moment-to-moment is not how I determine my love or commitment to the people that mean the most to me. Similarly, if I only went to work on the days my job made me feel “happy”, then I probably wouldn’t go most days. I go to work, even when I’m not having my best day.I have a commitment to it, a commitment to my colleagues and team, and I have a greater purpose because of my job. Think of the healthcare workers during this pandemic. They go to work in the crisis because of the need to be there for others and their duty to the cause- Not because they are loving their life right now. So, I have come to hate the term “happiness”. It feels like such a selfish word and not something that feels like commitment and love. I am not bashing the happy feeling. We all do deserve some level of happiness, but you can’t base your love and commitment on feeling “happy” at all times. If that is the case, what’s the point of commitment ? When happiness becomes consuming it’s selfishness.
For me, happiness is helping and giving to those I love. That makes me happy. It is unfortunate that my unfaithful had to go outside the marriage to try and find happiness.”
My heart hurts even approaching this subject. Maybe it is because I have never read nor have I been able to come up with a list of things an unfaithful can do to repair the life altering damage their selfish choices have inflicted.
But I can not find it in my heart to excuse the absence of attempts.
My unfaithful does not even attempt to repair the damage. So I can tell you what reparation does NOT look like.
My first inclination is to think that he is overwhelmed with the enormity of the task. But then I remind myself that thinking this is assuming his response and thought patterns are like mine. As a healthy person, one would be overwhelmed. But he is not a healthy person. I find it astounding that even an addict can attend meetings and be in therapy for four years and still not be able to deal with the inflicted pain they have caused.
Yet I see it—every day.
I see him joking with our adult son. I see him laughing with our housemate. And I see him avoiding interaction with me. How does he handle the gaping wounds he is fully aware of in me?—- He avoids it. He avoid me.
In marriage counseling he admits to reading, hearing or knowing well the steps and tools to repair. He also admits that he does not use those tools. WTF?
I mean really. WTF.
Our Marriage counselor commented yesterday via online meeting that I look resigned. Not as in grudgingly resigned, but as is living my life fully engaging in what remains that is good. YEs–I do. Yes I am.
In my heart I still hurt. I still grieve the loss of my marriage. A marriage that I increasingly realize has been a mirage for years. He has been pretending to be my spouse for so many years and is so good at the mirage that I grew to believe the lie. I lived in the false flattery and upbeat jokes. I tolerated, I lived inside the lie believing it was his way of communicating his care. When in reality it was his way of hiding his duplicity. His life as a two faced cheating liar.
Small wonder I now carry a visceral gut reaction to his mask behavior. I have no way of recognizing if or when he is sincere. It all feels false. Yes–after four years since d-day, his joking and laughter all feels false. Because he uses it to avoid looking at himself.
And I feel sad that this is my reality.
How could he repair? (Ostensibly the topic of this blog)
Admit each and every damaging action and behavior he has chosen. Talk about it ad naseum. Talk about it as much and as often as I am faced by his actions to think about them. Talk about it until I am tired of his expressed grief and deep understanding of the damage he has caused.
Tell me specifically the lies he told himself about me that allowed him to justify betraying me. Each and every lie. Tell me specifically what the truth of me is. What is the truth about how I supported and loved him? Verbally appreciate all the love and care I gave. Enumerate the specific behaviors I did throughout all the cheating lying years that demonstrates the absolute lies he told himself.
Ask me about myself. Demonstrate that he is interested in ME. Me the person. How are you interested in ME? Do you want to know what my dreams are? What my struggles are? You demonstrate zero interest in me because you avoid me.
That is not love. Love ACTS. Love cares. Love demonstrates interest, investment, involvement.
The best I can come up with to repair the unrepairable theft of the precious exclusivity that was our marriage is to consistently undertake the above. For as long as it takes which, if it lasts as long as the repercussions of betrayal will most likely be– for the rest of my life.
Does that mean we could never be easygoing friends again. NO. I can foresee being friends. I have been able to treat him in friendship even under the weight of lack of repair. How much more could I feel safe enough to be friendly if he showed care for me and the consequences his choices have inflicted upon me?
For now I choose what I have. My garden, my painting, my writing, my dogs, my granddaughter, my life as it is.
We just got back from a three week visit to our daughter and granddaughter in North Carolina. Daughter was on post Afghanistan deployment leave, We’d not seen her since a year ago spring, so were pretty excited to go. At the time of our departure from California, no ‘safer at home’ shelter in pace had been declared and the airports were still a-bustle. Now, three weeks later, the Charlotte airport, where we made our connection, was all but a ghost town.
Armed with n-95 masks, antibacterial wipes and hand spray, we made our way literally on a wing and a prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (travel home to shelter in place during a pandemic), change the things I can (do all I can to remain safe while in the air and airport), and the wisdom to know the difference.
“Couldn’t you have just stayed with your daughter?”
As a vital military strategic planner, daughter is now called back to duty and will therefore be exposed to the outside world. As careful as she might be, we would be exposed along with her each day she arrives back home. So we are calmly, serenely (mostly) accepting the things we can not change and doing all we can to remain socially distant until we get to our California home….to isolate/quarantine for two weeks and then stay at home for as long as authorities suggest
“So what’s ‘not the Marines’?”
It is not the Marine’s fault that we live 2600 miles away from our daughter/granddaughter. It is not the Marine’s fault that we can only see them a couple times a year. It is not the Marines that are keeping us apart.
It is the choice of our daughter to be a Marine. It is her choice as to how she spends her leave time. It is our tight budget that disallows more frequent visits. It is many things, choices and priorities.
It is not the fault of the Marines.
Who said it was? Yup…you may have guessed—my UH. He shared that he used the Marines as an example of his biggest resentment in an online 12 step meeting while we were visiting. His proclivity toward blame and black and white thinking was on full display as he shared his resentment, complete with contemptuous tone and body language.
“I don’t think it’s the Marines.” I said, after he’d had his share. “I hear that you feel disappointed and angry that we do not see our grandchild more often. I do too. I hear that you have built up frustration and anger over these many months daughter has been deployed. Me too. I feel your frustration too.
“But I do not think it is any fault of the Marines. Many families, perhaps most, who have adult children, live far away from their parents. Our mobile society and needs of the adult children’s jobs makes it so. Our daughter’s choice to serve her country is a noble profession. It has taken her far away. She chose to be a Marine. She signed on to meet the needs of the service—not her parent’s needs.”
“Yeah—I am so proud of her.”
“Me too,” I said. “She most likely would not live near us no matter what her profession. Needing to blame someone or something is understandable in a primal way. But it holds no value or positive function. I think what you may be feeling is grief. Sadness. I know I am.”
“Yeah.” He said reticently, with a tone of reluctance. “I still hate the Marines. Maybe it is from my childhood at military school with my ex Marine drill sergeant. I’ve disliked the Marines and their gung ho training all these years.”
“Yes. I feel the effects of that training in daughter. It is part and parcel of the Marine package. The needs of the service. We haven’t developed into a peaceful society yet and we still have warriors to protect us from others who haven’t developed past war as a solution yet either. Now that is something to grieve.”
“Yup. I still hate the Marines.”
I allowed the conversation to end. Maybe this was a step forward out of black and white thinking that has been my experience with my addict UH. He was actually willing to consider a different point of view and soften his harsh judgment displaced onto a whole organization because he feels frustrated and sad not to see our daughter/granddaughter more often.
Me too.
And isn’t that the foundation of empathy—the ability to share a ‘me too.’ Moment?
In my experience, negative feelings are something that must be acknowledged, felt and let pass. All emotions ar by nature, temporary.
That said, one of life’s biggest challenges and battlefields is in our minds. Only we can choose our thoughts. With (much) practice, I have found it possible to steer my thought life to gratitude for all that is good in my life. With gratitude, I have found that the good thoughts reproduce and the negative are quelled. It is not a perfect solution. Nothing is.
It is, however, a choice. It is the one thing we CAN control.
As the grief process progresses and the anger/saddness burns white hot and cools, I can choose my focus. Increase the thoughts of people, places and things I find good and beautiful. Be so very kind and patient with my process. Encourage beauty and gratitude through self guided meditation/quiet time.
I have found that the longer I live, the more losses I acrue.,,and the more gifts I receive. The natural phenomena can be a ‘glass half full/ glass half empty” choice. If I am lucky to have this long life, I will stumble and fall, be let down by others, lose some and gain some. There are always loving good people to meet. There will always be beauty and goodness in this world that also has brokenness and evil. It is my choice to seek and dwell in the good and positive.
“I’m writing this letter to you from a time of deep personal pain and anger. If I were just angry, that would be much simpler for me to walk thru. I want to assure you that I know the whole truth. I have known the truth for many months. In his brokenness and need to hurt me, he came clean with all of it. I know where you met, the details of your sexual interactions, secret dinners and hotels and the fact that you considered yourself to be in a “relationship” with my husband. “Boyfriend”, “Fun and frivolity”? Not for the woman and the family you have damaged.
I realize you didn’t act alone and I don’t blame you for ALL of what has happened but you certainly played the part of damsel in distress, lonely after your breakup, quite well. I am sure that you don’t feel you owe me anything since you never made promises to me at an altar. And because God has reminded me of my own sin, I find it difficult to hate you as much as I would like to.
I wonder if you feel a sense of pride and accomplishment for what you have done? Although in your brokenness you may feel that way, I caution that you shouldn’t be proud but ashamed. You see this man I love has never done anything like this in his life. Perhaps you feel “special” when you shouldn’t.
You identified an opportunity to infringe yourself into my marriage. You knew exactly what you were doing. As a “friend” what you could have done is put distance between yourself and him and told him that you would pray for him. Instead, you weaseled your way into his space by accepting his invitations to dinner and learned what he felt was lacking in his life and his ego and did all that you could to ensure that you became what you believed would solve his problems.
How do I know you are broken? What other reason would there be for you to risk hurting everyone you love? I can imagine your daughter hated what you did when you had an affair with a married man with children she’d played with. Why risk alienating her and providing her such an example? Because it didn’t matter. All that mattered is that you got what you wanted.
I am sure you are confused about how long it has taken for this confrontation. You see, God told me to focus on my marriage first. That my marriage to my incredible husband was to be (and is) my priority.
I know all of what you have done. The fact that you considered this a “relationship” is truly ridiculous. You inserted yourself to meet a need that only God can fill. A self centered need for validation.
Have I been furious with you? Absolutely. But I also know that broken people like you do not consider the pain they cause others. Broken people have one objective, to do whatever it takes to feel whole. Deceiving the people you love causes so much pain and heartache. It wounds you too although your self deception won’t allow you to understand that when you are in the midst of the lie.
You are broken and from all that I have read and now know about you, you have been broken for many years. Your heart was laid out and damaged and instead of choosing a path to healing, you continue the same patterns of self and other destruction.
My main reasons for contacting you are, I want you to know that I know everything that happened. There is no need to continue to lie to me through your silence. I want you to see my face and remember my pain. That I am a human being with a family that I will protect at any cost. To remember my family that you could have, but didn’t destroy by your selfishness and your clear lack of self respect. We could have been friends, supporting each other in our motherhood challenges.
If you ever think of doing this again, you remember what I have said. Let this truth ring in your ears until you can’t stand hearing the sound. And perhaps you may spare another family the pain you have caused me. I want you to know that I have and will continue to pray for you. I pray you get the help you so desperately need for healing.
And please, whatever you do, don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. We have washed our hands of you. But make no mistake, should you ever disrespect me or my marriage in any way, I will make sure that everyone you have ever loved knows your past actions. You see the most dangerous type of person is one with nothing to lose. I’ve done nothing wrong here and that frees me to handle this in any way I need to.
Remember what I’ve said. Carry it with you as you grieve for the loss of him. After all, he always has been and remains to be a wonderful man. I bet his absence hurts, I remember how that felt too.
I wish you healing and a changed heart. I pray that you will allow God/ a good therapist to heal the wounds you have carried for so long. And I let go of any resentments I have had against you. After all, forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the offender.
I will end this with the Bible verse that has continued to carry me through this nightmare. Every word of this is true.
Genesis 50:20 “You planned evil against me, but God planned it for good, to save many lives.”
I hope you seek repentance and that God moves in your life and in your heart. May you stop hurting others and do the work to heal.”
Investment in your relationship is like the “grass is greener” myth– NOT greener elsewhere
“When I use only the sprinkler system, it quickly becomes obvious where the sprinkler system is not watering. The grass which is not adequately watered quickly turns brown and dies. I become dissatisfied with the dry patches in my lawn, but I know they are only dry for lack of my attention and effort. The grass is simply greener where I’ve watered it.
The lesson my lawn teaches me every summer can be applied to relationships as well. Nowhere in our relationships does this little rule of nature seem to be more true than in marriages impacted by infidelity. Individuals involved in affairs frequently complain of their miserable lives, but close observation generally reveals a severe case of under-involvement. It is true, they are miserable; but their misery isn’t generally the result of working overly hard on the relationship. They may be putting effort into their children, but when it comes to their romantic relationships, they invest far more energy into their affair partner than they ever put into their marriage. They write cards to the affair partner, spend hours on the phone, and plan surprises for him or her. In addition to that, they spend hours dreaming of the next time they get to see their lover. In fact, it’s not unusual for them to spend up to 70% of their thought life focused on some aspect of their secret relationship. Given that sort of time investment, is it any surprise that they fail to feel any connection in their marriages? There tends to be little strength, interest, or time left to devote to the marriage. Considering their behavior, no wonder the grass doesn’t seem very green.
In the end, it’s not that the grass is truly greener elsewhere, it’s just greener where it’s watered. If you find that you’re dissatisfied with your marriage, you may be tempted to look for greener pastures. You may even think you’ve found them, if all your efforts and attention are aimed at your affair partner. But you’ll also find that your marriage will be greener if you make the same type of investment in your marriage. Think about it.”
Photo by TranStudios Photography & Video on Pexels.com
>> An old man meets a young man who asks:
>> >> “Do you remember me?”
>> >> And the old man says no. Then the young man tells him he was his student, And the teacher asks:>> >> “What do you do, what do you do in life?”
>> >> The young man answers:>> >> “Well, I became a teacher.”
>> >> “ah, how good, like me?” Asks the old man.
>> >> “Well, yes. In fact, I became a teacher because you inspired me to be like you.”
>> >> The old man, curious, asks the young man at what time he decided to become a teacher.
And the young man tells him the following story:>> >> “One day, a friend of mine, also a student, came in with a nice new watch, and I decided I wanted it and I stole it, I took it out of his pocket.>>
>> Shortly after, my friend noticed the loss and immediately complained to our teacher, who was you. Then you went to the class:>> >> ‘This student’s watch was stolen during classes today. Whoever stole it, please return it.’
>> >> I didn’t give it back because I didn’t want to. Then you closed the door and told us all to get up and you were going to search our pockets one by one until the watch was found. But you told us to close our eyes, because you would only look for his watch if we all had our eyes closed.
>> >> So we did, and you went from pocket to pocket, and when you went through my pocket, you found the watch and took it. You kept searching everyone’s pockets, and when you were done you said>> >> ‘Open your eyes. We have the watch.’
>> >> You didn’t tell me and you never mentioned the episode. You never said who stole the watch either.
That day you saved my dignity forever.
It was the most shameful day of my life.>> >> But this is also the day my dignity was saved and I decided not to become a thief, a bad person, etc. You never said anything, nor even scold me or took me aside to give me a moral lesson, I received your message clearly.
>> >> And thanks to you, I understood what a real educator needs to do.
Do you remember this episode, professor?
>> >> And the professor answers:>> >> ‘I remember the situation, the stolen watch, which I was looking for in everyone’s pocket, but I didn’t remember you, because I also closed my eyes while looking.’
>> >> This is the essence of teaching:>> >> If to correct you must humiliate; you don’t know how to teach. “
Christine Renewed 