Five Step Boundary Solution

I wrote this reply/comment on a recovery forum to a betrayed wife who was thinking of her request of her UH to turn over his phone for compete access to her, as a ‘boundary’

My understanding of boundaries is that they are not something you make another person do. It is not even a request. One can not enforce a request because all adults have the right to say yes or no to a request (which gives the requester lots of information about the person they are asking to comply, though)

A boundary is something one does to protect oneself. In the case of what you are saying, it would not be asking for the US’s phone or access to it. That would be a request. (A reasonable request in this circumstance) The betrayed can not enforce that request or any request.

The betrayed CAN enforce the consequence of what he or she will do (or not do) IF the reasonable request is not complied with. Example: I will not sleep in the same room with you if you continue to keep your phone access private. I do not feel safe sleeping next to you. OR I will be living at my mother’s until you can comply with these measures that would help me feel safe.

A boundary is something the boundary setter can enforce to protect his or herself.

There is a podcast I have found very helpful in understanding boundaries: what they are and how to set them. Vicki Tidwell Palmer is the speaker and author:

beyondbitchy.com

She has a worksheet that breaks down exactly what and how to set a boundary : “The Five Step Boundary Solution”

Her book, The Five Step Boundary Solution is excellent in helping betrayed to sort through this difficult time. Her podcast and FREE copy of the worksheet are at her website, linked above. The book explains in more depth.

You Do Not Have to Accept…

…unacceptable behavior.

I think many of us who have been in long term relationships have slowly gotten used to the level of service, support and care we lovingly provide to our spouse. When that fact is coupled with lack of gratitude and support in return, it slowly wears on our nerves. Drip drip, drip, like water forming a stalactite on the floor of a cave, our good will and energy wears thin and resentments build.

It is not the giving acts that are unacceptable. It is not even the lack of reciprocity. When the giving turns into expectation and the receiver uses our generosity to somehow twist reality into something that justifies their betrayal–that is when the behavior crosses the line.

I know that my UH has spent months post d-day hurling nasty toned moments and erroneous judgements in my direction. These based in non-reality. He acts on the stories he tells himself about my motive and shames me for those untrue motives.

What has some of that looked like in my life? Roughly loading and unloading the dishwasher so dishes and glassware breaks. Tossing pan and pots around causing dents in wood floor and appliances, maintain a stone wall of silence even when I am crying from the isolation and loneliness inflicted by his refusal to invest in recovery, accusing me of bombarding him with criticism when I have sent recovery quotes that offer clear view of evidence based ways to recover, remaining silent when my son in law or daughter shame me for not getting over this faster—for not being a hero and reveling in my victimhood, when day after day he ignores me, avoids me, deflects my clear requests for engagement through silence or using some other distraction to keep him from accepting responsibility for each choice and its costs…and on and on.

Just the absence of engagement when it is the one thing I have said I need to begin to feel safe and move on has caused so much pain and anxiety. He has refused to meet my needs as a betrayed woman, for reassurance through words and actions.

I was finally pushed to the point of setting a date– a boundary that he must show appreciable movement and change toward engagement and talking this through by year four d-day anniversary, or I will have to ask him to move out. A boundary I never in my wildest dreams thought would become needed to protect my heart and feeling of serenity. I NEVER would have dreamed that the man who vowed to protect me would be my greatest source of danger and pain. It has been a nightmare.

ANd I do not, I will not accept any more unacceptable behavior. Not in the name of patience or grace. Not for any reason. I have been placed in a position where I am the only one to protect me. I have to accept that fact and enforce my safety in any way I can. I simply will not accept any more betrayal related abuse.

I am worth so much more, so much better. If I am the only one to provide it, I must live in that reality and do it. I don’t know how his new willingness to begin to approach me and talk will pan out. I don’t know if it is temporary, box checking or a true change of heart. Only time and sincerity on his part will tell. And then I will have to see if that is enough to heal my shattered trust and sense of security as far as any relationship with him is concerned. Any intimate relationship.

Hold fast to what is doable, what feels safe, what reduces stress and trauma. Hold fast to you and your recovery.

“If you don’t come to your own rescue as an adult, nobody will.” – Alexandra Katehakis

Addiction Shopping

My experience with my UH has shown that one addiction can very easily not only lead to a second, but trigger within the addict the desire for more, and more and more…escape. I have a difficult time imagining feeling so uncomfortable in your own skin that you search for escape, yet I observe it to be true. It elicits pity and compassion within me.

When my UH had difficulty tapering off his drinking, he added marijuana as his method of escape–medication. He has literally run away from me trying to hide what he is doing. Like some small petulant and naughty child, he partakes in his drug(s) of choice without even trying (hard) to hide it. That, I expect is when the addictive mind is at its worst.

While he was doubly addicted to booze and marijuana, he was grooming a younger woman who had just broken up with her boyfriend. Hey it worked before with my sister in law when she broke up with my brother. This the beginning of his 27 year affair with her.

When affair recovery dictated he must cut off all contact with her–you, you guessed it—time to move on to new territory and another vulnerable woman. He stood in front of me defending marijuana as the way, the truth and light. He said all the standard respected medical and psychological institutions were full of it and didn’t know what they were talking about. Indeed it was a conspiracy on the part of American medicine to deem marijuana verboten. DOn’t you know all the medical benefits? (Research and experience by psychological based institutions that marijuana can have a horrible excelleration effect in handicapping some people, in their ability to process reality and maintain emotional sobriety) —nah. All ‘happy horsesh*t’, as he judged.

This was a sick man. If it weren’t so scary, it would be the stuff of comedic film.

When my UH felt rejected by me when I set out some boundaries to protect myself, he was off to the races—addiction shopping like it was Black Friday. He was as desperate to find relief as I was to find answers.

This is the stuff of nightmares.

And all the while I have to keep in mind “I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it.” To save myself and my sanity I must detach in love. I must enforce physical and emotional boundaries.

You know what? Slowly—sooooooooooo slowly he is changing. He is still very emotionally unstable, but he no longer rages, no longer throws things, no longer breaks dishes, dents pans. He still has a razor’s edge reaction to frustration, but even that is moderating. He still can’t see beyond his nose or offer me any empathy, validation or compassion, but he is becoming more functional day by day.

I am reading the book by Vickie Tidwell Palmer L.C.S.W., C.S.A.T., Moving Beyond Betrayal. Sentence by sentence she methodically illuminates the power and necessity of strong boundaries. Examples abound. Methodical, step by step support of those of us who find it mandatory to set safety boundaries. Literally every human being can benefit from this discourse. We all need to protect ourselves, speak up for what we want and need. Likewise, the other person in the relationship must do the same. It is vital to a healthy relationship. I highly recommend this book.

“We are literally calibrated by our family of origin. We must adapt and attune ourselves to our family dynamics in order to survive.” And “Distorted thinking leads to poor emotional regulation.” -Moving Beyond Betrayal, Vicki Tidwell Palmer

Man o man—is this ever indicative of my experience with my UH addict.

Forcing a Solution

Photo by Ivandrei Pretorius on Pexels.com

I’ve been living in limbo for three and a half years. Not knowing if my UH would or will do the work to understand himself, share that understanding with me so that I can feel safer that he will make better decisions in the future AND prove that he understands the depth of the consequences of his choices on me and the family. (Boy, that was a mouthful and an even bigger emotional mountain to climb)

He has moved at snails pace in becoming less defensive, at least outwardly. He no longer throws things, breaks dishes, red face yells. I set a boundary that I could not live under the same roof if he did not become someone with whom I could communicate safely.

That said, and in full acknowledgment that it is a good thing—he still has not chosen to share his progress (or lack thereof) with me. He does not express understanding of himself or of the effect his choices have had on me. He does not demonstrate remorse or empathy. He has not made amends nor does it seem to bother him as it does me. He knows how I feel, yet he still does not approach me.

Consequently, I am still in a state of unsafe limbo.

I have been told over and over and over how important it is to any hope of reconciliation for the above to occur. Not once, but over a protracted period of time. It does and will take a loooonnnggg time of truth and consistency on his part for me to feel safe enough to even consider allowing him to become an important relationship in my life. It truly would be a new relationship.

I was, once again, feeling overwhelmed with sadness and anxiety with waiting. I was circling the drain, being triggered and feeling hopeless.

Then I went to my weekly Al-anon meeting this morning and got a verbal inoculation–a booster shot through the sharing of fellow members–that reminded me of the importance of allowing God to do his work. Each of us has a life to live, a path to walk and a higher power to help us along that path. My UH has his—I have mine. I can not and should not force a solution.

UH will grow in his own time. I can not force him any more than I can force a flower to bloom one second before it is ready. Nor should I try to play God. Tug the tulip–it won’t grow any faster.

That said, there may come a time when the pain and anxiety of waiting for him to ‘get it’, to grow up and have a change of heart to become a man of integrity and responsibility will become too much. Waiting for him to be the man capable of being married–the one I thought I married, but did not—a reliable, mature spouse.

It is not respectful to force a solution. It is poking my nose into someone else’s life, even if their life is directly effecting mine. My only responsibility is to myself, my reactions, my emotions, my boundaries. I can and will protect myself. I will not force anyone else to grow before they grow.

Damn this is a hard lesson. One to be reminded of over and over and over.

Thank you Al-anon.