I wrote this reply/comment on a recovery forum to a betrayed wife who was thinking of her request of her UH to turn over his phone for compete access to her, as a ‘boundary’
My understanding of boundaries is that they are not something you make another person do. It is not even a request. One can not enforce a request because all adults have the right to say yes or no to a request (which gives the requester lots of information about the person they are asking to comply, though)
A boundary is something one does to protect oneself. In the case of what you are saying, it would not be asking for the US’s phone or access to it. That would be a request. (A reasonable request in this circumstance) The betrayed can not enforce that request or any request.
The betrayed CAN enforce the consequence of what he or she will do (or not do) IF the reasonable request is not complied with. Example: I will not sleep in the same room with you if you continue to keep your phone access private. I do not feel safe sleeping next to you. OR I will be living at my mother’s until you can comply with these measures that would help me feel safe.
A boundary is something the boundary setter can enforce to protect his or herself.
There is a podcast I have found very helpful in understanding boundaries: what they are and how to set them. Vicki Tidwell Palmer is the speaker and author:
beyondbitchy.com
She has a worksheet that breaks down exactly what and how to set a boundary : “The Five Step Boundary Solution”
Her book, The Five Step Boundary Solution is excellent in helping betrayed to sort through this difficult time. Her podcast and FREE copy of the worksheet are at her website, linked above. The book explains in more depth.
Christine Renewed 