Many of us have learned to make choices based solely on our feelings….as if feelings were facts. But feelings are not facts. They just are. They come and they go.

I know for sure that I am feeling very lonely tonight–as I have often over the many years of my UH’s abandonment. I thought he was ‘just’ off on business trips. Truth be known, he was on business AND making it his business to have a mistress on the side while on those trips. Trouble is the abandonment does not end with the couple hours of sex they’d share, leaving me at home with the kids.

The abandonment permeated our entire relationship because he was detached from me emotionally in order to support his justifications to be cheating. I remember I used to tell him I felt lonely and he’d just shrug.

I was also abandoned to shoulder the vast majority of the everyday responsibilities of running the house and caring for the kids. Thing is I thought I was being a good wife supporting him so he could work his regular job and do his military reserve drills on weekends. And indeed I was.

I was also supporting his addiction. Addiction to adoration. And his addiction to being superficial. Conflict avoidant. Good ‘ole Christine was always reliable and there to make sure things went smoothly or, if not, clean up and see to repairing whatever went wrong. I did it all out of love. I was a doormat and only sometimes realized it.

Thing is, I was lonely.

Lonely because I did not have a husband who would talk to me about anything of depth. He was so good at being busy that there never seemed to be much time. If there was time and I asked what he was feeling or thinking, he’d say “Nothing.” Or “I don’t know.” Sadly–those responses were true. He is so good at running away from himself he truly DIDN’T think of anything. Nothing of depth. Nothing self reflective. That would have been too scary.

So I was lonely and didn’t know why. I thought it was probably just me being too picky.

Oh how I long for a partner, that is one. A person who enjoys getting to know me and allows me to know him. But that is not reality. So all those years I made friends with those with whom I could share. Fellow teachers, neighbors, people at church. They were the ones that filled my need for depth.

How sad that my UH has missed out on me.

Maybe one day he will figure out that normal conflicts and disagreements are small price to pay for intimacy. They are the stuff of depth and caring and love. They are the spice that flavors the stew of relationships. They make marriage what it is –deep– to know the other absolutely and to keep discovering more lifelong.

I am still learning. Today I know that I can feel afraid of new experiences or of potential conflict, yet move forward through those feelings. I can survive being hurt and not give up on love. I can experience sadness and still be confident that I will be happy again.

“Life, for all its agonies…is exciting and beautiful, amusing and artful and endearing…and whatever comes after it — we shall not have this life again.” – Rose Maculay