…unacceptable behavior.

I think many of us who have been in long term relationships have slowly gotten used to the level of service, support and care we lovingly provide to our spouse. When that fact is coupled with lack of gratitude and support in return, it slowly wears on our nerves. Drip drip, drip, like water forming a stalactite on the floor of a cave, our good will and energy wears thin and resentments build.

It is not the giving acts that are unacceptable. It is not even the lack of reciprocity. When the giving turns into expectation and the receiver uses our generosity to somehow twist reality into something that justifies their betrayal–that is when the behavior crosses the line.

I know that my UH has spent months post d-day hurling nasty toned moments and erroneous judgements in my direction. These based in non-reality. He acts on the stories he tells himself about my motive and shames me for those untrue motives.

What has some of that looked like in my life? Roughly loading and unloading the dishwasher so dishes and glassware breaks. Tossing pan and pots around causing dents in wood floor and appliances, maintain a stone wall of silence even when I am crying from the isolation and loneliness inflicted by his refusal to invest in recovery, accusing me of bombarding him with criticism when I have sent recovery quotes that offer clear view of evidence based ways to recover, remaining silent when my son in law or daughter shame me for not getting over this faster—for not being a hero and reveling in my victimhood, when day after day he ignores me, avoids me, deflects my clear requests for engagement through silence or using some other distraction to keep him from accepting responsibility for each choice and its costs…and on and on.

Just the absence of engagement when it is the one thing I have said I need to begin to feel safe and move on has caused so much pain and anxiety. He has refused to meet my needs as a betrayed woman, for reassurance through words and actions.

I was finally pushed to the point of setting a date– a boundary that he must show appreciable movement and change toward engagement and talking this through by year four d-day anniversary, or I will have to ask him to move out. A boundary I never in my wildest dreams thought would become needed to protect my heart and feeling of serenity. I NEVER would have dreamed that the man who vowed to protect me would be my greatest source of danger and pain. It has been a nightmare.

ANd I do not, I will not accept any more unacceptable behavior. Not in the name of patience or grace. Not for any reason. I have been placed in a position where I am the only one to protect me. I have to accept that fact and enforce my safety in any way I can. I simply will not accept any more betrayal related abuse.

I am worth so much more, so much better. If I am the only one to provide it, I must live in that reality and do it. I don’t know how his new willingness to begin to approach me and talk will pan out. I don’t know if it is temporary, box checking or a true change of heart. Only time and sincerity on his part will tell. And then I will have to see if that is enough to heal my shattered trust and sense of security as far as any relationship with him is concerned. Any intimate relationship.

Hold fast to what is doable, what feels safe, what reduces stress and trauma. Hold fast to you and your recovery.

“If you don’t come to your own rescue as an adult, nobody will.” – Alexandra Katehakis