Listening to an eye opening podcast. “Steven DeLugach, counselor and C-SAT, talks about the relationship between accountability and healing relationships.” Forty years of dealing with recovery from trauma, addiction and intimacy disorders.

Validating my experience through drawing corollaries between the effects of betrayal trauma and the 12 steps of recovery is powerful. Steven DeLaugach compares the viability of the idea that the first step, where one declares him or herself powerless over “X” also mandates the importance of holding oneself accountable for the damage that powerlessness has had on self and other people.

It is heroic and courageous to show up and be accountable for how your behavior has effected others. Likewise, in the absence of this accountability it is very difficult for the traumatized persons to move on in any meaningful relationship with the offender and/or to move on toward health.

Addicts feel threatened and vulnerable. They often think like victims. They isolate and are defensive/ live in denial. Their family feels confused and lonely. Denial or minimizations of the effects of behavior on the part of the offender slows or limits the ability to heal.

It is the expression of genuine regret for the harm caused THAT allows us to heal and move on. Developing empathy is the primary task. How does your behavior effect others? ISM’s must be moved away from (I myself and me). Group therapy and support is most helpful.

“Until we acknowledge the harm done it is very difficult for relationships to move on.”

Accountability is not Amends, Disclosure, an explanation, pressure to change, reengagement or pressure to forgive. Accountability lies within the first step. The betraying behaviors have also created unmanageability in the lives around me. I have lost control and caused harm to others. Accountability is a process by which I become a moral person.

When partners have been lied to and betrayed, there is a legitimate need to hear the accountability from their betraying partner. Getting sober is easy. Showing up emotionally for those we have hurt takes time and support.

Show up and be emotionally present.

This is a non negotiable boundary for any hope of reconnection. Without it, we betrayed can not and do not feel safe for reengagement. You, the unfaithful, are not safe. You don’t ‘get it’ and you are unwilling to specifically delve into each instance and cost of your behavior. If you are unable or unwilling to to this work, you have no ability to avoid repeat. You are not safe.