Month: January 2020

Don’t ask. Do.

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The Gottman Marriage Minute post today touched a raw spot in me and I was wondering how others handle it.

Often in recovery with hopes of reconciliation, it is suggested that the former unfaithful ask his/her betrayed partner “Is there anything I can do (for you)?”

I know when I am hurting, I have no earthly idea what might help.(“If you need help, you don’t always have the bandwidth to request it in the form of specific actions.”) When I am not actively hurting, daily engagement voicing empathy, concern, acknowledgement, gratitude is the recipe.

I have to agree with Gottman– doing something is so much better than doing nothing and expecting a positive reaction or gratitude in return from the hurting will sometimes be disappointing. As they say, expectations are a set up for resentment.

It is inadvisable to do a good turn with expectation of kudos in return.

How can the US do this without expectation/ becoming resentment fodder?

What do you think? Or as the post asks– “What ways do you genuinely enjoy helping? What do you have to offer that is special and joyful to you?”

Here is the post:

Chances are, with the best intentions, you’ve asked someone, “Is there anything I can do?”

People have probably asked you this question, too. But how often have you assigned them a task in return?

If you need help, you don’t always have the bandwidth to request it in the form of specific actions.

It might even surprise the person who asked if you told them, “Yes, actually, could you take my garbage out right now?”

A better way to show up for someone who is grieving, busy, in pain, or overwhelmed is to offer something specific and authentic to you. Ask yourself, “What can I give?”

In There Is No Good Card for This, Kelsey Crowe, Ph.D. and Emily McDowell write, “If you care, doing something is important. But doing something you like to do, and not something you would normally resist doing, is invaluable.”

“Would you like to go for a walk?”
“Do you want to talk about it? Or we can watch The Bachelor and put it out of your mind for a little while.”
“Here, I made you my famous mac and cheese.”

They might say no, and that’s okay.

What ways do you genuinely enjoy helping people? What do you have to offer that is special and joyful to you?

Recent Post on Kobe

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On the night of Kobe Bryant’s untimely death, I was inspired by all the philanthropic giving and the post-career investment in girls and women’s sports of the man. Yes, people were rightfully touting his amazing basketball career. Twenty years, all played with the Los Angeles Lakers. I was inspired by his second act comeback.

Perhaps we Angelinos feel the loss more keenly as demonstrated by all the news stories, the crowds gathering at the Stapels center, the Laker’s practice facility, the facility where his daughter played. SO much grief openly displayed. Words, flowers and tears of gratitude for the inspiration of the man.

And then the reaction on an infidelity site. I blog for this particular site–accepted as a handful of writers, by the administration, as someone who has thoughtful things to say. Occasionally I will post one of my personal recovery blogs on the general community forum there, as well. The night of Kobe’s death was one of those times.

I inadvertently touched a nerve with a handful. Kobe’s 2003 sexual assault allegation came flooding back to these readers. They shamed me for daring to post positive about the man, especially on a site where people are trying to recover from infidelity. They were triggered.

I honestly had forgotten about these charges. Perhaps it is because he was never found guilty, so it faded from my mind. I understand triggers. I understand being raw, especially in the early days, weeks and months after discovery. Perhaps it is for this reason that a handful were triggered into lashing out. I regret being the vehicle of anyone’s trigger.

As a betrayed spouse nearly four years out, I am in a place where I ardently hope that all unfaithful spouses who are working to become better people will be forgiven and given a new chance(s) to prove themselves. And so I am doubly amazed at Kobe for appearing to have done just that.

That said, none of us have an insight into anyone else’s personal life and heart. We are all reminded to look at actions in recovery to demonstrate healing and change. If one is to go on actions, I would observe a famous man who came back to finish out an amazing career, give time, talent and money to worthy causes, start a second act in upholding women’s sports, demonstrate extreme investment in raising his four girls. Perhaps the greatest testament to his change is his family. His wife, by all accounts, appears to have forgiven him, reconciled and gone on to have four daughters together. By all accounts he was a beloved father and husband. HE seemed to be the very definition of recovery and redemption.

And isn’t that what we who are investing our hearts and minds in sharing on recovery sites hoping for? Don’t most of us want our unfaithful spouse to heal and go on to do good in the world? Don’t we work toward forgiveness and grace? In the end, don’t we hope our unfaithful will be remembered for all the good they did. Not to diminish their poor choices, but as a testament to what is possible in a truly repentant heart. Did Kobe get off because of his fame or finances? I hope not. I pray not. But in this country a man is presumed innocent until and unless convicted. Do we damn a person for all time because of their mistake(s)/ moral violations?

I, for one, choose to look for the good in a man, but especially one who has fallen into such depths of depravity. (In Kobe’s case, admitted infidelity) It is a sign of what God can do in a humbled heart, if you are a believer. If not, it is no less amazing that a person who has done such destructive things can turn his life around for the good.

I believe in redemption. I work toward it, pray for it.

And isn’t that what we all pray for, wish for, aspire too?

______________________________________________________________

“Do not be dismayed by the brokeness of the world.

All things break.

And all things can be mended.

Not with time, as they say, but with intention.

So go. Love intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally.

The broken world waits in the darkness for the light that is you.”

-L.R. Knost

What I Crave

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As a betrayed, as a human being, I crave hearing understanding words. It is that which I have requested, even begged my UH to give.

Understanding of the many betrayals, of the misjudgments, of the unkindness. Recognition and therefore the claiming of responsibility for the actions that have destroyed our marriage and my heart.

Last week he claimed responsibility for wrongly judging me and snidely saying ‘Well what did you expect?” in reference to his infidelity. He said it was always wrong. He never should have said it, never should have thought it and never should have acted upon it. It was unfair and untrue. He owned it. He demonstrated understanding of the harm and the wrongness.

Yes.

My shattered heart craves the balm of validation of my feelings as well as the understanding and compassion deserved from my former spouse. Even if we are to never reconcile in the sense of a marital relationship, it is simply the right thing to do. To make claim of the harm caused, the damage involked and a deep understanding of the error in thinking and judgement that led to such actions.

No self reflective apology equals no safety. No safety equals no rightful ability to regain any level of healthy relationship–even if only as acquaintances. It is the bare minimum needed to look another person in the face day after day. The bare minimum to interact on any legitimate level. The bare minimum demonstration of respect.

I asked him if he felt better after admitting the error and the harm in his former statement? He said, “Yes, when you recognized it.”

“Do I need to recognize or validate your claim of responsibility and remorse for it to continue? Isn’t it done because it is the right thing to do? Maybe demonstrating some level of care for me as a person and my feelings?”

“Yes. But I didn’t mean it that way. It was not my intention (to come across as needing praise and validation)”

“Well that is the way it came across and that is the stuff of the old you. The guy who needs praise to act.”

He didn’t like that. He said he didn’t mean that.

Yeah, well…uh huh.

Pride? Sure feels that way. Why is it so hard for him or any person who has inflicted harm, to admit it, claim full responsibility and understanding of the harm and apologize? In my experience it is pride.

And so the dance continues. And so I continue to do self care. And so I remain in self imposed isolation from relationship with him. And so I remain bolstering up my world, my gratitude, finding and executing the things that bring me calm and joy. I’m getting better at it. I am even enjoying some of the journey. I am seeing the value in it. I am growing.

I am moving in the direction of healing. My healing.

Seventy Five Years Since Auschwitz Liberation

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Since Auschwitz was liberated—

The surviving (then) children revisited the site. Some brought their family members. All had the ardent wish that we never forget. Never allow anything like it to happen again.

Will our cultural memory be enough to extinguish the human dynamics of brainwashing by villianizing a segment of the population. It is exactly the dynamics that are in place when any soldier kills an ‘enemy’. A nameless member of the other team–the ‘bad guys’.

On this day of remembrance, let’s remember that we are all capable of villianizing another with the effect of dehumanizing them–thus allowing us to disengage our ethics, our deep seeded morals.

It is the stuff of betrayal in all its forms.

It is the darkness that lives inside us. The ability to justify, to minimize, to bend reality by telling ourselves stories, or by listening to others who do.

“Never again” begins at home. Here in our own family. Here with our own spouse and children.

If we can recognize our own thinking when it slips toward dehumanization. When we tell ourself we know other’s motives—without talking to them. When we build resentments through our self talk about the story we build about another.

Oh what a web we weave when first we learn how to deceive. In this case, self deception.

Be mindful my friends of which stories we build. Judgement before fact checking. Thinking we know the truth, prior to investigation.

Stay mindful my friend.

Vigilant.

K-O-B-E

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K- for kind. So many have said the man, the legend was indeed kind, even when no one was looking.

O- is for original. Yeah–he won an Oscar for his short animated feature inspiring kids to hang in there and give it their all.

B – Best. He gave it his best. His work ethic was known widely to be amazing. Talent plus hard work.

E – Enough. No matter how hard he worked, no matter how hard anyone works, it will be seen as not enough in those times of inevitable failure. Make that last hoop and you’re the best player ever. Miss it, lose the game, you are the villain. The let down. A mistake. Or a poor choice. I hope grace and redemption are available for us all. YOU are enough. Whether betrayed or unfaithful. Always have been. Always will be.

We can learn a lot from Kobe. A man who fell. A man who went on to achieve. We who are struggling with being betrayed by the one person who swore to uphold us in love. We unfaithful who are fighting to become men and women of integrity after our own fall.

K- for kind. If there is one lesson anyone can learn, to profit themselves and others, it is to be kind. Or as Fred Rogers said: “There are three ways to ultimate success: The first way is to be kind. The second way is to be kind. The third way is to be kind.” May we who have been devastated remember how important it is to keep living by this golden rule….even when no one else seems to be following it.

O- for original. Each of us is one of a kind in all the history of the world. Each of us have a unique gift to give the world. Don’t allow someone else’s devastating choices to keep you from giving that gift to the world. Don’t allow your own failures and bad choices to dictate the rest of your life or your value.

B- for the best. This recovery journey will require the best of you. But then you have probably had lots of practice giving your best to your spouse, and your family. You are no stranger to the ‘best’. Don’t let your unfaithful’s choices change that about you. Give your best gift with kindness intact.

E- Enough. You always have been. You in your perfect imperfection have given and loved to the best of your ability. You and your original gifts and talents are the best ‘you’ there has ever been or will be. You are precious, unique and soooo much ‘enough’.

SO…you kind, original, best, enough soul- hang in there one day at a time. Keep climbing that mountain of recovery. Keep caring for special precious, kind, original, best and enough you.

Kobe knew it. He fell and got back up. Kobe gave it. One day, one workout, one basket, one game at a time.

Kind original best enough him.

Kind original best enough you.

Addendum: It is my intent to focus on all the good the man did on the day of his death. But more, I wanted to uplift those of us who are struggling. I do regret that the post has brought up some hurt in others. None of us know the truth of all of his life and (infidelity?), but like you, I ardently hope our unfaithful spouses will heal themselves and their marriage (as it seems Kobe did) to go on in their lives to do good. I hope all unfaithful are neither judged or feel they must wear the yoke of failures/ poor choices for the rest of their lives–and afterwards, as we remember them. I choose gratitude and focusing on redemption.

Reactions To Setting Boundaries

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You’ll probably will get some push back when you set a boundary.

“You didn’t used to do that.” or “You used to be okay with that.”

Perhaps they will try to manipulate you to go back to the way things were before. Because setting boundaries upsets the balance which creates some disorientation. You are altering the dynamics in the relationship.

“I really liked you better when you XYZ…” OR “Isn’t that a little harsh?”

Maybe they might try to guilt trip you. “You’re pushing me away.” or “You aren’t following your duty as a wife.” Ask yourself if you have done anything outside your value system. If you haven’t you have every right to set the boundary.

They might become hostile. “If you do that I’m going to do this to you…”

This may trigger the need to make a request. “Would you be willing to ____________.” You can never control someone by making a request. They, as an adult, have every right to say ‘no’, ‘okay’ or negotiate a compromise. If you stick strong to your boundary, they will see that aggression / hostility simply does not work.

If you are ghosted by the person you are setting the boundary with, it is the most painful (non)-reaction. It can make you feel like you don’t count.

How can you deal with these reaction?

If you are frozen out/ghosted. Give them space and allow them to do whatever they are going to do. It becomes more complex in a committed relationship. If it is an important relationship to them they will come back to engage with you eventually.

Push back reactions are a hidden opportunity for you to use your internal boundaries. You process their response through your reality. Is it true to you or not? Take something like this as example:

“You know I think you are being really rigid.”

If your internal boundary is working well with this statement disguised as a question, you ask yourself “AM I being rigid?” If not–you do not take it in as your reality. You hear what he/she says, but know it is not true for you. So stick to your talking point. Hear their response but restate the original request. Don’t respond to their accusations. Ignore what they said and restate your request.

“I’m willing to talk to you about that later, but right now we are talking about _______.”

OR you can mirror back their response to you in a way that you do not take on their accusation.

“It sounds like this is bringing up a lot for you.” This can be perceived as compassionate and can defuse them.

Remember: Boundaries are not too punish. They are to protect yourself. If all else fails you can take a time out. You can be respectful and mindful toward the person by letting them know what you are going to do. “I’m feeling uncomfortable about this. I’m going to go do ______ for about _______(time). We can talk more about it when I get back.”

When you have a chronic boundary violator, you may decide you do not want to remain in the relationship. In a marriage, this is really tough to decide and follow through. You will know when you know should this point be reached. Your decision alone.

“Even when I am in deep pain, I can rescue myself by noticing a small beautiful thing. Heaven is all around me, just waiting for me to notice.” – Mary Pipher

A Hungry Heart

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“A heart hungry for something to ease the ache of disappointment is especially susceptible to the most dangerous forms of desire. Especially when that heart isn’t being proactive about taking in truth and staying in community with healthy humble people living in the truth.

Remember, dangerous desires birthed inside our unsettled disappointments are nothing but a setup for a take down.” – Lysa Terkeurst

Can I say this is a major understatement? It is also sadly true.

I have been grossly disappointed for years in my UH’s lack of follow through and keeping his promises. It brought me to a place some ten years ago or so, that I felt unmarried. I felt I’d been taken for granted and abused too long. I felt, dare I say it, entitled to a better partner.

Entitlement – the central issues in my UH’s many, many, many betrayals. He admits it himself. He felt entitled. Entitled to more sex, more traveling, more good times, more money, more food. Everything is about more or not enough with him. That and failure to follow through. A million tiny betrayals. Oh–and some ginormous ones too.

I was telling him yesterday that if there is one observation I have seen over the years that points to a true addicts heart, it has been his inability or unwillingness to use his willpower/self control. I remember in younger days when he decided to, say, go on a diet, he was a real stickler. We are both life time Weight Watcher’s members as a result of our tenacity to sticking to the program. Today he isn’t even willing to live up to his own self promises. Example: he promised not to eat after nine p.m. as a beginning in his Overeater Anonymous program. I can’t tell you the number of times I see him eating after nine. It is not for lack of awareness of his so called commitment. He simply does not follow it. His self control muscles seem to have atrophied.

I see no earthly way to feel safe in his decisions, let alone be attracted to a person who doesn’t live up to his promises. How in the world does he expect me to trust him or to regain any form of trust if he doesn’t demonstrate trustworthiness? Day after day he breaks his so called commitment to approach me and talk. That signature on paper isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. He seems to have no care for any promise.

I would have a hungrier heart if I had more energy. This last decade has taken energy out of me. Too many losses, disappointments and betrayals. The wind has left my sails. What wind I can generate on my own is spent in self care and learning to settle for the simple things. My grand plans have vanished. And you know what? I don’t care.

Simple pleasures keep me going.

Do I feel cheated out of a marriage? YEs. But it is what it is. DO I feel cheated out of a grander retirement? Yes. But I really don’t care. I’m resigned to settle for small pleasures. One day at a time. The buck stops with me. The responsibilities of household management falls on my shoulders. It is enough to keep me occupied. I have no reliable partner, so I rely on the simple. And you know what? It is okay. It’s the best I can do with what I have. It is enough. No more hungry heart—well except for love. I wish I had someone to love me. I love to love others. Always have. Oh well…

I Wanna Go Home

I’m reading the book “It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way” by Lisa Terkeurst. It is more religious than I, yet I am finding it deeply meaningful. We are the clay in our higher power’s hands. Even when our life has been shattered into dust, we can trust the potter to mix the pieces and the dust to form something more beautiful than ever imagined. In time. Patience.

Our higher power does not expect us to handle all this pain alone. Let go.

HomeMichael Bublé

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home, mmm

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters
That I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
I’m fine baby, how are you?

Well I would send them but I know
That it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another airplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmm, I got to go homeLet me go home
I’m just too far
From where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like
I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right

And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
That this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day
Has come and gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
I still feel alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It’ll all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

Resentment of The Work and the Pain

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I have a battle with resentment over having this work and pain dumped on me. It is totally unfair and we are indeed victims of another’s choices.

That said, I have read over and over that a person ceases to be a victim the moment they find out about the betrayal or experience the atrocity. From that moment on we have the choices. Our eyes are open and it is now our choice what we do with the unfair act(s). Many leave. Many decide to stay. All have grief to work through for all the many many losses. All must choose what to do with their new unwelcome reality. We have been victims. Now it is our unwelcome, unfair job to fight victim thinking.

What are we who have been fooled. manipulated and lied to for years to do with the resentment? We WERE the victim for years. Where do we put all the grief and the anger? Even if we are no longer victims in the present, oh but there were so many days, weeks, months and years we were. Oh the loss.

When will it ever seem fair—never.

Forgiveness is accepting of suffering for what someone else did.

And that is hard. A long difficult road. No less painful than healing from a physical injury (caused by someone else, as in a crime) We have been victims of a crime–the breaking of legal contractual vows, and of our hearts.

I ‘know’ all this in my head, yet it is still a work in progress for my heart.

It has also been said that the longest distance on the planet is between the head and the heart.

Emotional Bleeding

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I remember the first months and year or two of this hellish reality and feeling like I was bleeding out. My energy, my joy had been taken from me. It was difficult to do even everyday chores and demands. My brain was scrambled eggs and it took enormous energy to force concentration on the present tasks at hand. Hell it was hard to focus on the simplest reality.

Now, nearly four years out from the sexual infidelity disclosure and six and a half years out from the revelation of financial decimation of our retirement money, my bleeding has slowed significantly. I have enough blood left in my body to keep up with daily exercise and chores. I’ve worked my part time care taking job and looked at it as a blessing because it deters me from stewing in the reality of my abandoned marriage. I truly never thought work would be escape. Quite the opposite. Home life used to be my joyous escape.

The trigger of my UH’s presence has diminished though not been extinguished because he is still unwilling to make amends via processing through and taking responsibility for all the damage he has caused. He does not validate me and the costs to me. How can I know he is not still in stinking thinking? What’s to keep him from story telling himself into further betrayals and destruction? Impossible for me to tell.

Equals a true lack of safety. Of course no one can crystal ball the future though its outcome is a lot more likely to be good if the broken has worked through his ‘stuff’. And shared the work-through.

So now I feel like I am just bleeding day in and out at a more moderate rate. Something like a bad menses for those of you reading as women. We who have known difficult monthly periods know it can take the energy out of us and leave our nerves jangled. Yeah–my life is something like that.

Even with all my self help and recovery efforts I am not what I was before this nightmare became known. I am beginning to wonder if I ever will be. What part of it is aging? Maybe a bit, yet I have been a healthy person my adult life long, able to accomplish more than most.

Not anymore. To be fair, a lot of that is intentional. I am allowing myself to slow down. It takes huge effort to recover from trauma, complicated by having no help from the one who inflicted it. On the contrary, he has been an anchor around me more often than not. I know I am the only one, when it comes down to brass tacks, who can heal me. Not fair, but reality. I will have to work at remaining mindfully present in the present and grateful for what is for the rest of my life–to ward off bitterness, depression and victim think. It becomes more natural as time goes on, yet I can not say ‘easy’. Because reality is, I have been used as a wife but not respected as one. And that fact will never change—no one can change the past. This past took up the majority of my adult years–the prime of my life. No denying it.

I am just now coming to accept it. Not burst into tears or have a bleeding twisted heart ever-present in the center of my chest. My meditation practice, exercise and a whole lot of mind control toward the present/gratitude have made this possible. I’ve never worked so hard on anything in my life.

It is like bleeding. Bleeding energy. Bleeding inspiration and hope and joy in the past. Bleeding a future that I wanted to look so very different. It is bleeding grief and sadness and the enormous job of acceptance. It has robbed me of so much life energy. Who knows how that energy might have been so much better spent.

Yet that is not for me to judge or ever know. It is speculation, which is another waste of time and energy.

I wonder when I will completely stop bleeding. Bleeding my life energy into the rat hole that is intimate betrayal. It is not for lack of effort.