As a betrayed, as a human being, I crave hearing understanding words. It is that which I have requested, even begged my UH to give.

Understanding of the many betrayals, of the misjudgments, of the unkindness. Recognition and therefore the claiming of responsibility for the actions that have destroyed our marriage and my heart.

Last week he claimed responsibility for wrongly judging me and snidely saying ‘Well what did you expect?” in reference to his infidelity. He said it was always wrong. He never should have said it, never should have thought it and never should have acted upon it. It was unfair and untrue. He owned it. He demonstrated understanding of the harm and the wrongness.

Yes.

My shattered heart craves the balm of validation of my feelings as well as the understanding and compassion deserved from my former spouse. Even if we are to never reconcile in the sense of a marital relationship, it is simply the right thing to do. To make claim of the harm caused, the damage involked and a deep understanding of the error in thinking and judgement that led to such actions.

No self reflective apology equals no safety. No safety equals no rightful ability to regain any level of healthy relationship–even if only as acquaintances. It is the bare minimum needed to look another person in the face day after day. The bare minimum to interact on any legitimate level. The bare minimum demonstration of respect.

I asked him if he felt better after admitting the error and the harm in his former statement? He said, “Yes, when you recognized it.”

“Do I need to recognize or validate your claim of responsibility and remorse for it to continue? Isn’t it done because it is the right thing to do? Maybe demonstrating some level of care for me as a person and my feelings?”

“Yes. But I didn’t mean it that way. It was not my intention (to come across as needing praise and validation)”

“Well that is the way it came across and that is the stuff of the old you. The guy who needs praise to act.”

He didn’t like that. He said he didn’t mean that.

Yeah, well…uh huh.

Pride? Sure feels that way. Why is it so hard for him or any person who has inflicted harm, to admit it, claim full responsibility and understanding of the harm and apologize? In my experience it is pride.

And so the dance continues. And so I continue to do self care. And so I remain in self imposed isolation from relationship with him. And so I remain bolstering up my world, my gratitude, finding and executing the things that bring me calm and joy. I’m getting better at it. I am even enjoying some of the journey. I am seeing the value in it. I am growing.

I am moving in the direction of healing. My healing.