I was trying to explain to my UH why I find it so offensive when he (still) brings up our low sex marriage before and during his affair as a resentment/reason he chose to leave the marriage. Yet he expected me to stay and be fully functional.
How do I explain? When a husband withdraws emotional intimacy from his wife, many of us struggle to feel sexual toward them. In my case, it felt like I was more like a physical entitlement to him than a loved and cherished spouse. He did not share with me his thoughts, feelings or struggles, even when I asked. He did not truly listen or validate mine, even though I never stopped sharing them. I did not withdraw emotionally. I kept making bids for his care.
As a woman, this woman, I need to feel emotionally connected and valued to feel sexual desire. At the time I chalked it up to young motherhood exhaustion and an eleven year marriage. Sure, we weren’t frisky as we had been before kids. Seemed natural not to be, even though I mourned it and expressed my loneliness within the relationship. In retrospect it seems pretty clear to me that I was not feeling valued and therefore not sexual. 20/20 hindsight. Tragedy is I felt somehow responsible. What was wrong with me? Seems nothing was in light of the truth.
As I have processed through my/our history I have gained compassion for the struggling young mother who tried to rectify her lower libido through research, doctor visits and duty sex (yuck–that is just wrong because it made me feel like an object) The woman then entering peri-menopause and all the challenges that placed squarely on my shoulders–without concern or empathy from my spouse. Only negative judgement kept to himself and outwardly, impatience.
For him to still be using my lower libido as a reason he abandoned our marriage is very hurtful to me. It feels like the height of hubris, narcissism and arrogance to retain any resentment or right to complain about lack of enough sex when it was his withdrawal emotionally that fueled my lower libido. I was in an emotional desert and he resented/resents me for not producing a full crop of sex.
I have also tried to convey that any sex we did have during those years was under false pretense/manipulation and lies. I would never have consented to sex had I known he was having sex with someone else. In essence, the sex we did have was stolen from me–was undertaken without my full consent. I was used as a wife prop–a vessel of masturbation because there was no truth in love. I was manipulated into thinking I was in a monogamous relationship.
And THAT is what I felt. I didn’t know why I felt it. But I felt it. I felt pressured, placed under demand, belittled for not being more sexual–never the empathy and concern that a healthy spouse might exhibit. No concern fo me the person–why was a healthy 36-46 year old woman suffering lower libido when she’d not had that issue before? He held me at fault and accountable but never lifted a finger to do anything but resent and betray me as a result. He blamed me for being a woman doing the best she could in an emotional desert, which was not good enough for him. HE judged I was withholding and rejecting him on purpose.
Why does he not validate this uncovered reality now? Great question. Where is the understanding and remorse for having placed me in that emotional desert and then abused me for the consequences? Where is the claiming of responsibility and the regret for having left me stranded in an emotional void? Where is the apology for using me as a sexual object to meet his needs he felt were owed to him even though he knew he was betraying me at the same time? What arrogance and entitlement. What lack of concern and love for the person you call ‘wife’. What a hypocrite then and still unrepentant, responsibility avoidant man now.
But it is my brokenness and intentional neglect in his addict mind that caused his betrayal.
And I am supposed to want to reconcile with a person like that? Strong boundaries are in place and shall remain. I work toward moving on and pray he will grow to understand the consequences of his actions. Maybe even regret robbing me of an authentic marriage.
“Next time a life situation starts to get the best of you, pause, take a deep breath, and then ask yourself:
–What is the story I’m telling myself about this situation?
–Can I be absolutely certain the story is true?
–How do I feel and behave when I tell myself the story?
–If I stopped telling myself the story once and for all, what else might I see, hear, or experience?
Give yourself the space to think it through carefully. Mull it over consciously.”
Christine Renewed 