Part of the seeming unfairness of being the victim of intimate betrayal is the need for the betrayed to change. No getting around it, we betrayed are now living in a new reality. We may have loved our supposed marriage before d-day, but after finding out your marriage contract has been null and void for whatever length of time, it sends the unsuspecting betrayed into a tailspin.

Having the rug pulled from beneath what you thought was your reality has a huge disabling effect, physically, emotionally, spiritually and possibly financially. There is little else to compare with living life in full belief that one’s spouse is someone they are not. It simply knocks the air from lungs and for many, the very motivation to go on.

It is at this precise moment in our life history that requires us to muster more strength than we have ever had to gather before. More unfairness. More shock and awe.

No wonder when we are so traumatized and depleted that we want to give up. Some of us, sadly, do. If not the ultimate solution of suicide, we shrink into a shadow of our former self. Some of us lose enormous amounts of weight. Some of us fall into deep depression. Some of us over eat. Some of us over sleep. Some of us can’t sleep. Some of us get sick emotionally, some physically.

If our reserves are already low because of normal life stress and challenges, we are at great threat of catastrophic collapse.

WHooooooaaaaa. Pull back on the reins of life. Pull the plug on anything more than bare subsistence. Slllllooooooowwwww down to the lowest level possible. If you ever needed to ask for hep, this is the time. Call upon any and all resources. This is no time to be shy or to feel like you are imposing. There’s been a death in the family.

The death of your marriage. The death of the spouse you thought you knew.

When will our culture come to realize that this life trauma is just this serious? The person we thought our spouse to be has died. Except they did not get hit by a car or succumb to cancer. They purposely betrayed us.

Wake up society. Infidelity is catastrophic.

SO here we are sitting in the ashes of our life. We are perhaps more depleted, more depressed, more sleep deprived, more nauseous, more low than we have ever been. Who wouldn’t resist change? Change requires energy and investment. We’ve just had the plug pulled on our life. Where is this ‘energy’ supposed to come from?

Believe. Scrape every ounce of belief in yourself, your goodness, your innate worth and vow to treat you with kid gloves. Kindness is your new best friend. Self compassion kindness. If you do nothing more in a day than eat and sleep, it is enough until you regain some strength. Until.

No job is more important than your health, mental and physical. This is big stuff folks. All the stops need to be pulled out to attend to you. Even if it is only you who can help. Even if you are miles from friends and family. All the more reason to rely on you. That incredible person you were before your life fell apart is still there. You are still that amazing giving and loving person. Don’t allow anyone’s sick choices to take your awesomeness away.

Chicken soup for the soul is the Rx.

Employ any and all methods of self care. Heaven is right in your midst if you just notice it. Be mindful of your blessings. Many still remain. Rely on what brings you joy and strength albeit it old films, the Bible, music, reading, writing, sleeping, nature… whatever. DO it! Or don’t do it until you get some rest. If that means medication for a season, so be it. Take care of your needs. You are valuable and precious. You are needed. You are lovable. You. The one and only you who makes a difference in lives– YOU.

Worry about change when you are back on your feet. Take it slow. Be kind to you. Change will look better, more doable and welcome when you are stronger. One day at a time, you will figure out what path is right for you. And you will choose more wisely rested and cared for…by friends and family if you are lucky. By YOU certainly. Who better to know what feeds you than you?

You got this.