Pia Mellody an internationally renowned lecturer on the childhood origins of emotional dysfunc-tion Has worked in the field for many years. Reading her classic book “Facing Codependence: What is it, Where it comes from , How it sabotages our Lives” has given me a much kinder, gentler paradigm on the concept of codependence. It is not unlike an atheist trying to read a book steeped in religion. If he can see past the cultural negatives and personal negative history on the subject, there is a goldmine of wisdom and help contained within.

The term ‘Codependence” has gotten a bad rap, at best, misunderstood and villianized more likely.

It was actually the families of alcoholics and other chemically dependent people who brought the cluster of symptoms to the attention of therapists in treatment centers. Over reaction or numbness, perfectionism, over control, over giving, the plague of over intensified shame, fear, anger and pain—all are hallmarks of adults who grew up in dysfunctional families.

Rather than the shameful thinking earlier hype about codependency seemed to generate, there is heaps of compassion to go around when one realizes that the effects of a childhood lived under the influence of usually well meaning, yet inter-generationally effected individuals can produce.

The primary symptoms of having been under the influence of a dysfunctional childhood setting are experienced at opposite extremes:

-Experiencing low or non existent self esteem. OR. Having an arrogant or grandiose stance.

-Being too vulnerable OR being invulnerable

-Being “bad’ or rebellious. OR Being “good”, perfect

-Being too dependent. OR Being antidependent or needless/wantless

-Being Chaotic. OR Being controlling

Mellody states that when first in recovery, one feels like they may be moving too far in the opposite direction. Recovery feels so extreme because functional behavior feels so unfamiliar, no matter what extreme we may be coming from. It tends to take enough pain in the dysfunctional life before one is willing to do anything to change. At first, one often feels worse and worse—even though there are incredible feelings of joy and hope about finally seeing what had been happening all those years.

The idea that one can choose not to be the way one has always been can be a heady experience. One may need or experience others reminding them that they are a bit too self centered–a natural state when one is working on themselves in recovery.

“No one else can do the work for us, and no one is meant too. Although our parents/primary caregivers were the ones who should have helped us by exposing us to functional reality and respectful caregiving, there is no need or benefit in blaming them today. Once the damage is done, our parents can not make it right or fix us. We each have to learn how to recover on our own.”

Once we come to recognize the damage in our own lives, we learn to treat ourselves with more respect, to develop boundaries, to own our reality, to become responsible for our own wants and needs, and to begin to approach life with more moderation.

This book was hard and hopeful. Deep in ‘ah ha’.

Until we see the dysfunction working in our own lives and relationships, it’s almost impossible to do anything about it.

A wake up call after such a life altering season as is intimate betrayal– may just be the impetus for both unfaithful AND betrayed.