Just as each of us have a primary love language, we also hear and express the words and gestures of apology in different ways. Best-selling author of “The Five Love Languages”, Gary Chapman, conducted a study of the way we apologize, discovering that it’s not just a matter of will–it’s a matter of how. In the book “The Five Languages of Apology” Chapman explains his study and details the proven techniques for giving and receiving effective apologies.

• Expressing regret ( “I’m Sorry” )
• Accepting responsibility 
• Making restitution 
• Genuinely repenting 
• Requesting forgiveness

      Today I’d like to take a look at the function of “I’m sorry”. As I have experienced it at three and a half years out from d-day of his sexual infidelity and six years out from financial infidelity d-day, my UH has never met the above criteria in a meaningful genuine way…. An example? His use of the words “I’m sorry”.

   There was a time long ago when he made I’m sorry sound and feel authentic. It has not been the case since the d-days. He uses the words almost like a weapon. Certainly they have been used over and over again as a deflection to set aside the offense and move on—disallowing any thought to genuine restitution or repentance.

   In individual counseling yesterday I tried to explain this to my therapist. I likened the way he glibly, angrily or contemptuously spits out the words “I’m sorry”, to the  story of the boy who cried wolf. After enough repetitions using that kind of delivery, the words lose their meaning as actual regret and take on the above mentioned distasteful flavor—a shield to protect himself from actually having to undertake the work the four other languages entail. Disingenuous at best, certainly blame shifting and self- protecting.

  And then I went on to voice a metaphor as related to one of my favorite films, Nottinghill. In this film Hugh Grant’s character runs into Julia Robert’s character, a Hollywood actress in London shooting a film on the streets of Nottinghill close to his flat. Hugh is carrying a coffee and an orange juice, in a hurry to return to his business. He’s definitely not paying attention, but had no malice or forethought in splashing his beverages on this stranger.

   What if Hugh had barked an angry, (‘you are so in my way’) “I’m sorry”, pushed past Julia and carried on without so much as looking back? Would Julia feel that his words actually expressed any regret? Would she have any warm feelings toward him? Would she quickly forgive his carelessness?

  Ah, but Hugh did no such thing. He stopped in his tracks, reached out to her and spewed a litany of self-deprecating apology. He took full responsibility for the consequences of his inattention and hurry. But no…that was not enough. He offered to launder her blouse at his nearby flat, thus returning her to a state of pre-harm/ full restitution. Was that enough? Not in Hugh’s authentic remorseful heart. While he gave her one of his shirts to wear while laundering, he offered her tea and a snack—going above and beyond mere restitution into the arena of genuine kindness and repentance. During their exchange he also expressed that he hoped she could forgive his clumsy self-absorption.

   Hugh enlisted all five languages of apology. He had no way of knowing what her particular primary language of (accepting) an apology, so he used them all. He was heartfelt and real.

   Do you think Julia felt that he was genuinely remorseful? The entirety of the rest of their relationship in the film was built on that remorseful expression and actions of restitution and responsibility. He’d stood out in her heart and mind as genuine in her world of fake Hollywood users. He laid the groundwork for her to forgive and move on…or perhaps build something more.

   In my real world of betrayal recovery I know I can heal on my own. I can move on and live a good life. So could Julia.

   What set Hugh apart and indeed would set my UH apart would be his genuine ability to engage in the five languages of apology. Displaying real change of heart and consistent reliable actions is the cornerstone of becoming a better man, but the gateway into considering building a deeper genuine relationship is embodied in responsibility, remorse, restitution and repentance.