Twelve years ago at this very hour I lost my mother. It was the first in a long series, twelve years of loss after loss.

Aug 20,2007 – Mom dies suddenly, had been battling Alzheimers. Son has a series of mental hospitalizations (approx every other year through 2016) result of epilepsy and its effects. ‘Post-ictal psychosis’

June 8, 2008- Only sibling dies of lung cancer after lifelong smoking habit. I am left to handle his passing and estate. Spouse has heart stents.

2009 – work on dispersing Mother’s and brother’s worldly goods. Care for failing health of father at home. Make difficult decision to move him into assisted living. Daughter elopes without our knowledge. Brief marriage effected by her spouse’s abuse of drugs and her good nature.

March 2010- Dad dies of Parkinson’s. I am left to handle parent’s estate and distribution. Lawyers ensue.

2012 – Spouse D.U.I. Daughter divorces first husband.

2013- financial infidelity disclosed. The entirety of our retirement cushion spent by spouse, in secret. Take on mortgage to pay off huge debt spouse incurred in secret. Spouse enters mental hospital, nervous breakdown. I am left to figure out how to survive financially and take care of the above mentioned.

2014 – Melanoma diagnoses–I undergo surgery.

2015- Second melanoma diagnosis and surgery.

2016- Son mental hospital for two weeks. Twenty seven year emotional and physical infidelity disclosed by spouse–blindsided in front of my adult children. Son released just as spouse divulges betrayal. Thyroid cancer diagnosis and surgery. Spouse marijuana addiction escalates. Spouse heart attack forces early retirement.

2017 – Spouse relapses–AA ‘birthday” reset. Spouse works out of town leaving me to hold down the fort. Spouse major back surgery and recovery.

2018- Spouse relapses again. Daughter rejects offer to move closer to her, her daughter born, our first grandchild– loss of proximity to her. (stationed on east coast, we live in California) Spouse prostate cancer and surgery.

2019- Daughter deployed to Afghanistan.

Perhaps many would call all this pretty normal stuff within the life of a family. Many might say ‘we all have our problems’. For a woman who had not suffered these ‘normal’ problems prior to 2007, this was a lot to work through and process. I am still grieving so many losses and working on stability, even the rediscovery of joy. It has been exhausting work. It has challenged my very soul.

I can tell you, gratitude and joy is through intentionality and choice, not circumstances. I choose every day to look for what is still good, what remains of the wonder in the world. I choose to focus on the positive. When you open your eyes, there is always positive.

AM I perfect at it? Ha! Not even close. I have circling the drain moments. I have pain and disappointment internal battles. I lose sleep. I tire easily. I struggle to look for a reason to go on. But you know what? The work and the struggle are winning. I have more positive times, more good outlook, more gratitudes to celebrate than not. I grieve freely, yes. I feel my feelings and move through them. I take better care of myself. I am kind and gentle to me.

I choose the focus of my life and I choose gratitude and joy. I don’t know what is in store, but I look forward to discovery. I have my life, my new grand baby, regained health, food on the table, roof over head and the ability to *gasp* actually save. I look forward to taking a vacation, seeing my grand baby and getting to know a new care client. Winter garden is in the planning stages, dogs are healthy, son is even talking about a part time job in spite of his disability. There is always something for which to be grateful. Life can still be good.