I sure wish I could help make the reasons it was acceptable to cheat more…well, acceptable. If former unfaithful would be willing to take a stab at it, that would in fact be hearing it from the ‘horse’s mouth’ so to speak. I think a former unfaithful would have to be healed enough to put aside his or her shame to reach out in this way to help other betrayed. A tall order.

As a betrayed whom has worked at understanding and recovery for three and a half years now—much of that time, full time, with the rest of life’s responsibilities being the part time job– I can share my experience, strength and hope.

As my FUH (former unfaithful husband) has stated, he thought he would never get caught. He also led himself into the delusion that cheating has no consequences if one is not caught. As we all know cheating opens a vein in the marriage, robbing it of truth, trust, intimacy and reality. It blood lets–making even a good marriage anemic, a weaker marriage, a shell.

At the same time my FUH also admits that he thought being caught would mean the end of the marriage. Losing it, access to the kids and the house/home he loved. He deluded himself into thinking getting caught was unlikely. And in our case, he was right. It still killed our marriage through the bloodletting, but he did not get caught.

He announced his affair to me as a weapon to hurt me. He did it in retribution for me setting a boundary because of his pot addiction. But you see, he is an addict. Although not all UH’s are addicts, it is my experience that the same sort of thinking allowed them to enter into an affair. The same delusional, blame shifting, entitled, ‘stinkin’ thinkin’ that is hallmark of the addict. It is not rational. It is not based in reality. It is demonstrated over and over again in the media–smart, successful, intelligent men with everything to lose, still risk it all for the fantasy of the affair. They know it can destroy them too. Yet, they still choose it. This is addict’s thinking.

I have also found that unless an unfaithful is a sociopath without conscience, he or she does not set out to destroy their spouse. They are way too self absorbed to purposely plan lifelong sadness and pain to their spouse. Are they aware that the discovery will cause pain? Yes. Do many/any of them have any notion as to the severity or long lasting devastation? No. Another form of delusional, minimizing thinking that is believed by the addict/cheater.

If one were to ask most non-sociopathic unfaithful if they knew the extent of the damage their choice would cause, most would say they had no idea. Therefore, I believe unfaithful who set out to do the kind of damage that is lifelong are rare as hen’s teeth. They simply did not believe it would cause this kind of trauma. More minimizing and delusional thinking. Acceptable collateral damage that in their magical thinking will either not exist, or will not be too bad.

It is also my experience that most former unfaithful think they would not have crossed the line into infidelity had they known the extent of the trauma. That said, I believe this is also a form of delusional minimizing thinking that is common to those who justify cheating. They minimize. “It won’t be that bad.” “It’ll blow over.” or “I’ll deal with that should I ever need to.” Denial of potential harm. Ahh…another of the ‘izings’ of this sort of thinking/ non-thinking.

Did my UH intend to inflict lifelong pain and suffering upon me? (even though as one of the few who actually meant to harm me by telling me, still did not think it would be anything as bad as it is) He told me, because his addictions had escalated over the years and he was just that sick in his thinking. He did not set out when he began his affair to tell me or to harm me….as I think most unfaithful operate.

Was it worth it for him? Not if he has stayed around and is trying to change, even if he stinks at the trying and it is as slow as molasses in January. If he has not left for the delusion of the AP or other self-medicating tool, he is witness day in and day out as to the consequences of pain on the betrayed. Not a pleasant place to be even when in denial as to whether he deserved his fling or not. He is living with the destruction, the shame and the guilt. Not fun.

Was it worth it? Few would say ‘yes’. Even those without a lick of empathy for the betrayed. They hate feeling bad about themselves and having their nose rubbed in their failure.

I wish I could help you, fellow betrayed, to let go so that you can move toward more authentic enjoyment in your life. I have found that it takes a lot of practice and intentionality to find some fun, happiness or joy. It is another unasked-for job, but one with potential pay off. Is it fair that we now have to search for joy, fun, happiness? No. Is it an opportunity, should you choose to look at it that way, to strengthen your gratitude muscles, and therefor joy. You bet.

Will I always remember this? Yes. Will it bring pain at the memory–yes, in varying degree. Does it have to rule my life? 

That is my choice.