….I don’t know what propelled me to watch the final episode of the Bachlorette last night. I’m not a fan of purported ‘reality’ tv shows finding them most unrealistic. However, something seemed to whisper in my ear to click ABC on the remote.

Hannah, the bachelorette chose a guy named Jed, sending home the last of the two left standing. It’s my understanding that shortly after the proposal and engagement Hannah found out that Jed had a girlfriend back home. That he’d agreed to be a bachelor contestant without breaking it off with this girlfriend. That he’d hoped to further his music career through the exposure he received on the show. That he’d told the girl back home he loved her, had slept with her a number of times yet coveyed to Hannah during his ‘apology’ that he never really considered her his girlfriend (so that minimizing was to make it okay?) He admitted keeping that secret was selfish, that he thought he’d lose Hannah, that he’d never expected to fall in love on the show, that she did not deserve to have information controlled by him.

My heart broke for her. Blindsided. This beautiful young woman gave her heart in good faith, turning many others away in spite of her family’s trepidations about him. She was obviously brokenhearted.

I am empathetic. Isn’t it sadly cliché and similar to so many of our stories here, including minimization, secrets, hiding, justifying— except all in the span of a couple months relationship?

I found myself torn between relief , sadness and jealousy of her: Relief that she found out about this young man’s character before she married him—so very early in their relationship. Sadness for her heartbreak and all the pain it caused her, her family, his family and him— and jealousy—yes jealousy that she found out about him so early—and so many of us did not.

A class act, she said she realized the hurt his decisions caused him, his family, her family and of course, her, but she did not want to punish him in any way. She told him she hoped he would grow from this and never keep secrets in his future in his next relationship(s). She genuinely wished him well… and goodbye.

The final caveat: “I didn’t say yes to this.”

None of us did.

Part of me is gratified that so many people got to see first hand the devastation in this young woman’s eyes and the harm the young man caused so many including himself. Another part of me mourns that the cultural edict remains to kick the cheater to the curb, do not pass go do not collect $200– is reinforced.

And then I remember that this is an early engagement. This is the time to find out about your betrothed—a final time period to search each other’s heart and character. I celebrate her strength and willingness to choose her dignity and self respect rather than overlook his hiding, as she said she had done in past relationships in order to keep the boyfriend around.

Bravo Hannah. Through pain she did so much growing.

Yet how many viewers could see the difference between engagement period infidelity and well into a marriage with a life, perhaps children, house—entwined together? SO much investment. So many more variables and complications making one think many times before throwing it all away. 

When will the media, our culture look at that?

It’s a start. It has a lot of people talking. Intimate betrayal is having a moment in the floodlights.